NEWS OF THE WORLD WASTES THOUSANDS ON BUGGING DEAD GIRLS

Basically, up shit street

Senior police officers and communications experts were left scratching their heads this morning after further allegations surrounding the NOTW phone hacking scandal came to light.

In additional to allegedly hacking the phone of murdered teen Milly Dowler, the parents of Holly Chapman and Jessica Wells have also now been contacted by police in connection to the inquiry.

“It’s utterly incomprehensible”, said one senior Scotland Yard mole. “What could they possibly hope to find on the mobile phones of murdered children? A detailed confession from the killer? Upskirt photos? Racist jokes? What would they have done with the information anyway? ‘MILLY SPOKE TO FRIEND ABOUT LATEST WESTLIFE HIT HOURS BEFORE SLAYING’ is hardly headline news, is it?’

His voice disguised by helium and forty Marlboro Reds to protect his identity, the police mole went on to say “besides, we had all the phones anyway. There was nothing useful on them. All the photos are safely stored in our archive, and the texts were exactly what you might expect in the situation. About sixty ‘where are you?’ messages, some teary calls on the answerphone and one perv who’d texted ‘What are you wearing?’ I don’t imagine ‘Nothing except a good few weeks’ mould and a light dusting of soil’ would have done much to whet his appetite, do you?”


Andy Coulson, JEB END

Defensive reporters at the News of the World were quick to defend their colleagues, even though none of them wished to go on record in connection with this report.

“You have to think about what these phone hackers have been through”, said one. “Years and years of studying and examinations in high tech communications and hacking, mostly spent alone, in a shed, furiously masturbating the whole time. And then at the end of it all they’re employed to plow through the personal communications of vacuous D-List celebrities and Premiership footballers in seach of tawdry gossip. There are only so many times you can intercept a photo of Ashley Cole’s bell end before you go completely over the edge. And frankly the sort of needy, whoreish filth that Sienna Miller broadcasts to all and sundry at 3am on a Saturday has to be seen to be believed.”

Reports that Rupert Murdoch, owner of NOTW and Lord of the Undead, had personally ordered the hackings in order to saturate his need for the soft flesh of the recently deceased could not be confirmed, but tellingly were also not denied.

FPWK

(This article is by new contributor, Rob)