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| The aforementioned Paul Flynn. Apologies to anybody who is driven to the point of sexual frenzy by looking at this image. |
In his new coffee table tome, "How To Be A Backbencher", Flynn provides advice for colleagues on how to keep it in their pants at work, during office hours, whilst drawing a wage at the public's expense. Seriously, he did, it's on the BBC here.
As it transpires, far from being a gang of self serving, egotistical maniacs no more well equipped for power than they are for nuclear thermodynamics, all Members of Parliament are inherently sexually attractive. If you stood in a room with one for five minutes you would find yourself getting your kit off and allowing yourself to be subjugated into performing whatever depraved act their hearts desired, almost like you'd been hypnotised by the sheer whiff of sexual magnetism emanating from their every pore.
One victim, who wishes not to be named, recounts a meeting with Hazel Blears last summer. "I only went in there to complain about me bins not being collected", complains the 19 year old plumber, "but before I knew it I was paggering her over her contituency table and thumbing her up the wrong'un at the same time. It was like she was lactating sheer animal passion across her desk to me. I don't know what came over me - although I do know what came over her."
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| Barack Obama himself falls victim to the aura of David Cameron |
This revelation, coupled with the recent story that Conservative MP Louise Mensch got monged off her tits whilst out clubbing with violinist and notorious wreck head Nigel Kennedy in a nightclub (also not made up) suggests that far from being criminally incompetent, MPs are struggling to balance their duties against the fact that they're constantly on the comedown and have to take regular cold showers to avoid rutting each other like angry bears.
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| Louise Mensch - Not bad, actually |
The level of hedonism inside Parliament first came to light during the previous Labour Government, but the issue wasn't addressed as the public failed to understand that Tony Blair's "sexing up" of the Iraq war dossier was in fact literal, rather than metaphorical. Peter Mandelson, Blair's (also literal) right hand man, recalls the tale.
"We were in discussion about whether or not to invade when all the sexy language got the better of us. All that talk about penetration, and bombing, and being liberated made us all quite hot under the collar. Before we knew it, the whole meeting turned into a game of limp biscuit directed at the dossier itself. It was completely illegible by the time we were done, so when it came to a vote, nobody had any access to the facts. We had to go on instinct alone and by that point we were down to primal bloodlust."
Douglas Hogg, the Tory MP who memorably claimed expenses from the public to have his moat cleaned, claims the new findings justify his actions.
"It's essential for me to have a moat to keep the great unwashed out", he protested. "I used to go without but if the womenfolk of the town could run straight up to my front door, they would kick it down in the dead of night, drag me out of my bed and molest me to within an inch of my life. You proles may think it's all down to greed and privilege, but when you're as sexy as we are, you need to protect yourself. You try sitting in a transport planning debate for six hours when your old chap is chafed as raw as botchulism. It's intolerable. And if... oh my God, have you seen what Tessa Jowell is wearing today?"
"I simply must go and have her, I'm already wet at the tip".
Your humble correspondent then had to terminate the interview in order to vomit.
Rob van Riot
FPWK
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