Coalition Government Linked to Death, Misery and Stuff

Leading health experts have released shocking evidence, that has conclusively shown that many British citizens have died since the Coalition Government took over control of the country last year. The report entitled 'The ConDems are Killing Us' shows clearly and concisely, that many people have died since David Cameron slimed his way through the back door in to No.10 Downing Street. Dr. Sebastien Baldspot, spokesperson for Medical Based Statistics, the group behind the report gave this statement: 


"Since Nick Clegg sold us all down the river last year, the health and well being of the nation has suffered badly. People all over the country have continued to die at an alarming rate of knots. Drinking is on the rise, despite the price of a pint of beer in most pubs approaching £20 and most people just cant afford that, never mind the taxi fare home. Many people have taken to drinking varnish at home and playing conkers with their highly lacquered shit balls until they slowly die of being "sick as fuck"". 

Clegg shows what happens when you fall
asleep at No.10

There are so many cases of this around the country it has been given an official medical name and everything. At first it was called 'Cameron-is-a-Plantpot Syndrome', then the Prime Minister managed to deflect the pressure on to Nick Clegg, as per usual, when it was re-branded "Nick Clegg: The New Judas Disorder'. However, when further research showed that it was both their faults, it was given its current moniker, "ConDems Undeniably Nasty Twats Syndrome" or CUNTS.


In defence of the Government, Nick Clegg tried to save some face by facing the families of people that have died because of CUNTS. Clegg was immediately bowled a googly when faced by an elderly man from Accrington. Willie Eckerslike, 83, put a valid point to Mr Clegg when he stated that his wife died the day that the Condems were formed. "My dear old Cissy was as fit as a fiddle, she had been training hard with Owen Hargreaves, then you lot took over and POW! She dropped down dead whilst making shuttle runs with elastic bands round her knees! This is all your fault, you treacherous, power hungry, Perrier quaffing git!" to which Mr Clegg simply raised his hand and said "My Bad". 


Not wanting to leave the plebs feeling like they had been completely shafted and had the entire nation closed down by draconian spending cuts, Clegg offered to make sure that CUNTS becomes number one on his list of "Things to do, less important than winning at Backgammon". Assured by his vacuous promises, people went back to their lives, despite two more people dying of CUNTS before leaving the Clitheroe Civic Centre where the talks were held.


Meanwhile, the latest batch of strikes to grind the UK to halt, were carried out yesterday by some quite hard done by civil servants. The picket line outside Wycombe High School, Bucks was more like a scene from Schindler's List as impoverished teachers held placards aloft with statements of disgust at how the cut backs have affected their working practices. "Subsidised coffee vending machines are essential to the teaching process" and "Even Stalin gave teachers more than 8 weeks off a year!" were among the many slogans daubed on placards made from the parcel shelves ripped from cars used as barricades outside the school. 

Frostrop-Harelip standing solemnly in front of some doors

Marion Frostrop-Harelip, the unofficial leader of the group, bleated out this statement on a megaphone "Moan moan moan, grumble grumble, moan, grumble grumble, moan moan" to a rapturous round of applause from all of the other seven teachers on the picket line. The rest of the group were allegedly on the high street trying to "garner support for the cause" by standing in queues of solidarity and buying items of Christmas unison. 


David Cameron was unavailable for comment as he was busy planning the withdrawal of troops from Iraq and Afghanistan, sacking most of them, selling their equipment on ebay and then using the seven remaining soldiers, both of the working RAF planes and the wreck of the HMS Hood to invade Iran.


Jeremy Axeminster

Blackpool Turns To Dignitas

Blackpool Tower:  Mecca for cretins.

There is an enormous plantpot magnet at the top of Blackpool Tower, and it's been there for ages, it emerged yesterday.

As hundreds of locals simultaneously slapped their foreheads and screamed "Well that fucking explains it, then!" at the top of their voices, Blackpool resident, Gary Rooney, 19, had this to say:  "Eeeeeyyaaarrrrrr knob 'ed!  Pincha smoke off ya?"

It is believed that the magnet was first installed by hilariously unhilarious racialist comedian, Joey Blower in 1994.  Blower installed the device in order to attract audiences with the required sequence of chromosome deficiencies needed to appreciate the tired, loathsome, self-serving, pile of fetid worm spunk that is, The Joey Blower Show.

Blower after reaching a Plantpot landmark.

Since that fateful day, Blackpool has attracted over 39,000 new plantpots, putting them in with a growing share of the population (27%), shortly behind are crackheads (19%), traffic cones (13%) and members of metal bands (11%).  Inevitably, not all of these pilgrimages have happy endings.  Five percent of immigrant plantpots are killed or maimed within 48 hours of arrival, usually by another plantpot protecting his territory or by eating from one of the town's fast food establishments.  
A further two percent are incarcerated and returned to the secure institution from whence they escaped, or 'hotel' as some of the brochures like to say.

The sharp rise in the plantpot population has led Swiss firm, Dignitas, to consider opening a clinic in the town.  
Assisted suicide for immigrant plantpots is still a somewhat divisive issue amongst Blackpool residents, but some are failing to see an alternative.  "If it's a straight choice between getting covered in saliva every time I leave the house or putting everyone in a pair of detailed jeans to sleep, then I know which side my bread is buttered!"  Says Randolph Saxonburg, head of Plantpot Management for Blackpool tourist board.  "They come over here, with their STIs and gingivitis, not a pot to piss in, spew up all over our streets, drinking the over-priced witch piss that the myriad of Mitchell & Butler pubs here have the temerity to call 'lager', then decide that it's just so wonderful here that they have to stay.  Well, not on my fucking watch!"

Mr Saxonburg's comments came as Blackpool Council released details of the scheme in which Dignitas are to be made 'Key Investment Partners' in the town:  "What we are proposing," said councillor Frank Emptihead, "is a solution that works for local residents.  The lifeless cadavers from the new Dignitas clinic will be taken to The Sandcastle, which will be filled with formaldehyde, where they can be kept until needed as winter fuel for our impoverished residents.  It's a lot easier than us creating jobs.  Obviously, there will be a council tax rise required to fund the scheme.  Ha ha ha ha!"

The Tache:  Four hundred grand's worth of dangerous misery.

Opponents of the Dignitas scheme include Tache Nightclub proprietor, Ron Blunden, 97, who claims the plans are ill considered:  "I run a club which is full of 500 wannabe necrophiliacs every single Thursday.  You put a huge pile of preserved dead bodies within walking distance and you're going to have a problem.  All I'm saying is; I can't guarantee that some of the corpses wouldn't end up as part of my regular clientele.  And if you can smell formaldehyde in there through the overwhelming stench of piss, sweat, blood and yeast infections, then you're a better man than I am."

As news filtered through that The Tache is finally going to be demolished anyway (Yeah, right - 'council offices' Bet that's what Hitler said Dachau was gonna be.), the future looks bright for the Dignitas scheme, with the former Tache site ear-marked as a possible location for the clinic.  "It's close to the station, it's got a big fucking fire exit that we could turn into a conveyor belt.  Why not?"  Asked Councillor Emptihead, not even rhetorically.

Public opinion in Blackpool was hard to collate.  The entire population of Blackpool basically lives a life of tortured, jobless, alcoholism, occasionally interspersed with a council tax rise that means they can only afford to drink Brasso for the last two weeks of every month.  Buckfast and Special Brew here are viewed with suspicion, as though they were frankincense or myrrh.  All the town's gold is now stored in Cash Converter's vault.  There are more closed down shops than there are open ones, and the town does not have a supermarket.  Street traders, hawking rubber rats on fishing wire, litter the pedestrian areas like black marketeers in a besieged Sarajevo.  All around buildings crumble and decay, so that the High Street resembles Shane McGowan's mouth.
The overbearing stench of fecal matter fills the lungs as I wander on to the Promenade.  An Iranian illegal migrant tries to sell me a partially cooked bat in a green barmcake.  I decline.  Politely.  A gypsy approaches with a sprig of heather in tin-foil.  I assume it is a low-cost alternative to heroin and make my excuses.  A bus pulls up.  There is no destination on the front.  For there is nowhere to go in this town.  There is nothing to see.  It's starting to rain, I drift inside an amusement arcade.  Lights.  Noises.  I stand in front of a fruit machine and stare at the lights.  This is all they have here.  Will you take the gamble?  Will you be the lucky one?  You can win big!  Please insert coin. 

Johnny Plantpot

FPWK  

Blackburn Express Interest In Del Monte

Kean:  High Rate DLA.

Premiership strugglers, Blackburn Rovers are set to table a record breaking bid to lure Delmontean international striker, Themanfrom Del Monte, to Ewood Park.

Topman:  Del Monte's pension.

Manager, Steve Kean, who is paid £20,000 per week on top of his disability benefits released the following statement:

"Anuradha Desai has told me to buy a striker.  Riquelme said 'no', Ronaldinho said 'no', Raul said 'no'.  Undeterred, I continued my scouting, and discovered that Themanfrom was available, and likely to say 'yes'."

A bid of at least £25m is likely to be needed to tempt Delmontean outfit, Umbongo, to part with their talisman, whose signature of course, comes with his image rights for every Top Man, River Island and Next in the world.


Del Monte would be the first Delmontean international to play in the Premiership and many experts feel like there may be a reason for that.  Blackpool manager, Ian Holloway, was quick to urge caution:  "I'll admit it - I looked at bringing Del Monte in.  Then I discovered that he was on £100,000 a week!  Oh, and he can't play football.  All the Delmontean grasslands are filled with landmines."

While Blackburn do still have one or two players who can play football, most fans believe that Steve Kean, under the controlling strings of Venky's ownership are seeking to off-load the remaining competent players to rival clubs and replace them with mercenary fuckwits, who are nearly of pensionable age.  Del Monte, who made his debut in the 80's, would take the Rovers squad's average age to 43.4, and into second place behind Chelsea.  Blackburn fan, Frank Wrigley, 60, reckons it's a lost cause for his side:  "Jack Walker is spinning in his grave!  You could power half of Feniscowles if you wired him up.  God rest his soul.  Sack the board."

This is how Venkys see all this panning out.

Most high street bookmakers have already stopped taking bets on Blackburn being relegated, after a suspicious betting pattern in the Padiham area alerted managers.  "It's a bit of a no-brainer."  Said William Hill spokeswoman, Robyn Swines, "When you start getting four-figure wagers on something, from the most impoverished and deprived place on the planet, it's pretty certain there's some jiggery-pokery somewhere.  It's a bit like if Somalia bid to host the Olympics."  

One can only speculate as to the nature of this 'dead-cert';  Perhaps the Venkys are a syndicate from Burnley?  Perhaps David Dunn owes money to a lard manufacturer?  Perhaps the whole thing is just one huge, macabre experiment being played out by a bunch of people who have about as much business being in control of a football club as they do being in control of the Finnish national butt-plug gargling contest?  Who knows, but with two losses out of two, Rovers are rock bottom and show no signs of revival. 

Here's hoping even Themanfrom Del Monte doesn't say no.


Johnny Plantpot

FPWK

Chris Martin steps up bid to make UK better place after riots

To show his connection with the common man, Martin proves he can stand up.

Coldplay front man and massive plantpot, Chris Martin, has stepped up his campaign to make the UK a more tolerable place to live, by announcing that the bands next album 'Mylo Xyloto' will probably be their last.  Since their debut album 'Parachutes', Martin has tirelessly worked at letting down music fans all over the nation.

"We feel that too many people liked our our first album, it had lots of decent songs on it and people all over the country could listen to it from start to finish.  When we started work on 'Rush of Blood to the Head' we decided to decrease the number of good songs on it by about 37%, replacing them with songs about my wife's (the equally annoying Gwyneth Paltrow) macrobiotic diet."

Paltrow's affluent effluent

Despite Martin's musings about the way Paltrow can "shit for Britain", due to the large quantities of mung beans and seaweed she consumes, the second album still had enough decent songs on it to make people buy it.  In order to help him destroy the reputation of British Indie music, and make a third album so vapid it would have John Peel spinning in his grave so fast that it could power every Smart car in the UK for fifty years,  Martin recruited fellow whining minge, Gary Lightbody from the equally vapid Snow Patrol, to write songs so mundane they could be used in every episode of Dawson's Creek for the rest of time.

Lightbody "smirting" in Africa

The two set off on a journey of musical disturbance to world's most African of continents;  Africa.  Carrying only instruments hand made by Argentinian lepers and wearing fairtrade clothes made entirely of vegan friendly blancmange, they skipped hand-in-hand all the way to Africa.  Upon arrival, they instantly found themselves inspired to write songs in keys that "no one had ever heard of" and Martin in particular found the inner strength to write such classic bilge as 'Fix You' and 'Speed of Sound'.  After several months of fingering each others bum holes, whilst playing flutes made of fairtrade celery, the duo returned to the UK.  Lightbody realised the massive cock up he had just made and went on a massive coke binge, whilst Martin hit the studio with the other feckless members of Coldplay, to record the wankfest 'X&Y'.


"Once again Coldplay have managed to thrap out another hit laden long player 4/5" said NME columnist Barnaby Singlespeed.  The boys of Coldplay once again realised what they had done and decided to make their next outing, Viva la Vida, so viscerally painful to listen to, that  surely no one would ever buy it. 


"We all decided to play each others instruments to reduce the quality, then I suggested playing whilst wearing boxing gloves too" said bass player Guy Berryman in between Botox injections.

The iHand, you don't need one, but you will buy one.

All was going well, then what happened next is considered, by many, to be the greatest cluster fuck in musical history.  During the recording sessions for 'Viva la Vida', the Coldplay Guitarist, Johnny Buckland, accidentally rolled and smoked a joint and then proceeded to write the one good guitar riff on the entire album, the one from the song 'Violet Hill'.  Of course once the general public heard the riff, they unwittingly downloaded the album, mistakenly believing that there would be something else of musical note, only to be completely and utterly mistaken.  Apple Mac Mogul, Steve Jobs, considered shutting the iTunes store down for a while to try and stop the rot, but by the time he had finished making something else that no one really needs, he was too late.


So, after reducing the sperm count of red blooded males in the UK for what seems like eternity, Chris Martin has hinted strongly that no matter what comes of this album, Coldplay will split up and concentrate, not on solo albums, but on being very quiet in isolated parts of the British Isles.  


"To be honest, if any body buys this album, I will be very surprised" spluttered the deceivingly fat drummer Will Champion, "Essentially, we just recorded the sounds of a flock of sheep that had been poisoned with arsenic and then fed them to some wolves whilst on the vinegar stroke of their lives, not that it matters, I'm moving to Inverness to eat deep fried Irn-Bru" 

Bono, with fellow Anthropologist, Bush

Chris and the boys will probably get Knighted for this act of selflessness, especially in the wake of the recent civil unrest.  The act of never, ever producing any more new music, puts Coldplay firmly in the top, top echelon of humanitarians, along with the likes of Ghandi, the Dalai Lama and Paul Gascoigne. Reports from our source inside the U2 harem say that Bono is "sick as fuck" at the thought that he didn't think of turning it in 20 years ago and "missing the chance to be giving something back, by doing nothing." 


Everybody in the FPWK office feels exactly the same way Bono.  Everyone.


Jeremy Axeminster


FPWK

'Ring-Leader' Cole Charged With Public Order Offences



Cole:  The People's Champion.

Chelsea full-back and noted plantpot, Ashley Cole, has been arrested this afternoon, after police intelligence (there's a fucking oxymoron) identified him as the ring-leader in this week's London riots.

Cole was allegedly caught on CCTV running through Hackney, carrying what appeared to be an air rifle.

"He's got form for this kind of shit."  Said Metropolitan Police spokesman, John Plod.  "Let's face it - it's been a matter of time.  Since he joined Arsenal as a youth player, there's been a Tesco in Stepney one check-out guy short.  It's only natural that the lobotomised masses would rally behind someone like that.  His messianic complex has been there for all to see for quite some time.  He probably thinks he's Che Guevara or something - if he even knows who that is."

Cole's Hierarchy Of Needs

Although Cole has no experience of leading mindless, violent rampages through our nation's capital, it is believed that he possesses all of the characteristics of someone that would like to:  "His arrogance is legendary."  Says London Mayor, Boris Johnson.  "He does not care about anyone but himself, and has dedicated his life to making sure he is considerably richer than you, at the expense of all normal human character traits.  This guy would have Maslow in fucking pieces.  He will see this as his 'calling';  to destroy where he is from, so that the history books will say he was an immaculate conception.  Seriously, he's that fucked up."

Meanwhile, his painfully vacant wife, Cheryl, has once again taken leave of whatever semblance of senses she had, in order to defend Cole.  She released the following statement to FPWK:

"Ashley is deeply traumatised by his arrest.  He does not recognise any authority other than his own and will not be co-operating with police.  He will be answering no questions until the Chief Superintendent of Scotland Yard has gone out to get him a KFC Fully Loaded meal, and that, as far as he is concerned, is that."

Cole's Chelsea team-mates also rallied to his defence, with club captain, John Terry, among the first to visit his home to comfort Cheryl in her hour of need, then fuck her up the wrong 'un in his England kit.

Johnny Plantpot

FPWK

Chas & Dave Scoop Prestigious Gong

Chas & Dave:  Possibly psychic.

Legendary Rockneys Chas & Dave are to be awarded a prestigious prize for their song 'Snooker Loopy' some 25 years after it's release, it emerged yesterday.

Their 1986 hit, originally thought to be about snooker has now been exposed as containing contemporary Conservative policies regarding immigration and public spending, as well as staggeringly accurate, Nostradamus-esque predictions about Britain's cultural climate.

'Gruppenfuhrer' Ron Atkinson.

The duo will attend a ceremony at Brixton Town Hall on Friday to formally accept 2011's 'The 'Big' Ron Atkinson Urban Inter-Ethno Community Multi-Faithed Sexually-Diverse Affirmative Tolerance Award'.

Previous winners of TBRAUIECMFSDATA include Enoch Powell, Margaret Thatcher, Jim Davidson and notably, BNP leader Nick Griffin, who has won the prize for the last 5 years running.

Prime Minister David Cameron was among the first to congratulate Chas & Dave;  FPWK sources say that he called the duo personally upon hearing the news and is in negotiations to secure the rights to the song for the next Tory election campaign:  "It could have been written for us."  Claims Cameron, "In 2010, we 'potted the reds'.  I now say this to the British people: we have kept our thinly-veiled election manifesto inferences - we have screwed back for the yellows, greens, browns, blues, pinks and blacks.  Although, to take the metaphor to it's natural conclusion;  if I could have concentrated on blacks as much as Ronnie O' Sullivan can, then I think we'd have seen a new 'Masters' champion by now, if you know what I mean."

HMV in Hackney:  Unable to keep up with demand.

This is not the first time a so-called 'zany' pop song has stirred up political debate in this country.   Joe Dolce's 'Shaddap You Face' from 1980 has since been revealed to contain powerful hidden messages designed to deflect public attention away from Margaret Thatcher's draconian austerity measures of the early 80's.  It is also no secret that Geoffrey Howe personally bought 14,000 copies in order to keep Ultravox from the top of the charts.

FPWK song analyst, Robin Honeybadger, claims that the hidden meanings in 'Snooker Loopy' were there to spot all along: "If you substitute the word 'snooker' and replace it with the word 'proper', then this has the makings of an excellent Tory propaganda ditty.
"However, " says Honeybadger, "It's when we start to dissect the verses that the true horror of this song becomes fully apparent.  Cameron's unbridled xenophobia was obvious as early as 1986.  You just can't fucking deny it, and neither, no matter what his political stripe, can 'Terry The Taff'."

Labour leader, Ed Miliband, whose father of course, was a massive raving Marxist, reacted to the news by revealing that Labour are to run a series of X-Factor-style auditions in order to find a composer for their next election campaign song.  Hot favourites include;  Bono, Chris Martin, James Blunt and loads of other dreary, vacuous ball-aches.

Johnny Plantpot

FPWK

FTSE 100 Index exposed as massive load of bollocks!

Gwillym (left) and Seb (right), Twats that laugh at your misery

The FTSE 100 Index has been dealt another massive blow today, when a 7 year old girl asked Prime Minister David Cameron "Why do all those numbers and letters mean that my Daddy has no money to buy me a pony?".  The little girl in question, Chardonnay Mbengwi-Cooper, sprung the question on the PM at the official closing ceremony of the last library in England.

At first, Cameron was unsure of what the question meant, but when his advisor advised him with advice that the numbers in question were the FTSE 100, Cameron suddenly looked like a dog that had been shown a card trick. Unable to give a direct answer to the weeping child, Cameron went in search of someone who might know. Fortunately, the PM has Alan Sugar on BBM and sent him this message, which an unnamed source, may or may not have hacked for FPWK:

Cunting big thunbs

"Yo! $ugababez! wa'gwannin? sum lil' rasclaat ho jus str8t up dissed me in front of mi' breddrin? bitch waz poppin shit abt sum FTSE 100 index or sum shit? u no what she spittin venom abt? on the + side, her mum woz well phat and she added me on facebook innit :)"

To which Lord Sugar replied:

What rich people wear when going for a shit

"Aiiight D-Cam! pure time since we talked fam! basically bitch was talkin bout dis FTSE shiz, its bscally a steamin pile of pussy claat numbrz n lettrz us rich bwoyz use to confuz ppl without ne cash into thinkin dat the world will end if us clevva ppl dnt sort stufs out for dem and ting. man, i tellz u, i pure lined ma pockits wiv dis shit! bscally its a cross btwn countdown nd sudoku bt dnt tell neone! lolz"

When the FPWK team got hold of these texts, we immediately contacted Ms. Mbengwi-Cooper to tell her the truth. Upon hearing the truth about why she can't have a pony, the 7 year old spotaneously combusted and set fire to the house killing two guinea pigs named salt and pepper that were trapped inside. The RSPCC has been contacted and are looking into the possibility of criminal charges relating to the death of the animals. Chastity Frigidpants, spokesperson for the RSPCC gave this statement:

"After the tragic death of these two poor, innocent, sweet, furry, little animals, it is imperative that we bring the people responsible to justice. Although a small girl died too, that didn't make me cry as much and we may well defer the court case until after hanging has been brought back, just so we can string the horrible genocidal bastards up from the gallows, even Milosevic left the animals alone".

Fortunately for David Cameron the third test starts on Wednesday and the nation will forget about more of his short-comings for a few days.

Jeremy Axeminster

FPWK

"It's not our fault", claim sexy MPs

Fresh light was thrown on decades of sexual misdemeanours, affairs and sleazy antics in Parliament this morning when Labour MP Paul Flynn revealed details of his new book to the Guardian.

 The aforementioned Paul Flynn.
Apologies to anybody who is driven to the point of sexual frenzy by looking at this image.

In his new coffee table tome, "How To Be A Backbencher", Flynn provides advice for colleagues on how to keep it in their pants at work, during office hours, whilst drawing a wage at the public's expense. Seriously, he did, it's on the BBC here.

As it transpires, far from being a gang of self serving, egotistical maniacs no more well equipped for power than they are for nuclear thermodynamics, all Members of Parliament are inherently sexually attractive. If you stood in a room with one for five minutes you would find yourself getting your kit off and allowing yourself to be subjugated into performing whatever depraved act their hearts desired, almost like you'd been hypnotised by the sheer whiff of sexual magnetism emanating from their every pore.

One victim, who wishes not to be named, recounts a meeting with Hazel Blears last summer. "I only went in there to complain about me bins not being collected", complains the 19 year old plumber, "but before I knew it I was paggering her over her contituency table and thumbing her up the wrong'un at the same time. It was like she was lactating sheer animal passion across her desk to me. I don't know what came over me - although I do know what came over her."

Barack Obama himself falls victim
to the aura of David Cameron

This revelation, coupled with the recent story that Conservative MP Louise Mensch got monged off her tits whilst out clubbing with violinist and notorious wreck head Nigel Kennedy in a nightclub (also not made up) suggests that far from being criminally incompetent, MPs are struggling to balance their duties against the fact that they're constantly on the comedown and have to take regular cold showers to avoid rutting each other like angry bears.

Louise Mensch - Not bad, actually

The level of hedonism inside Parliament first came to light during the previous Labour Government, but the issue wasn't addressed as the public failed to understand that Tony Blair's "sexing up" of the Iraq war dossier was in fact literal, rather than metaphorical. Peter Mandelson, Blair's (also literal) right hand man, recalls the tale.



"We were in discussion about whether or not to invade when all the sexy language got the better of us. All that talk about penetration, and bombing, and being liberated made us all quite hot under the collar. Before we knew it, the whole meeting turned into a game of limp biscuit directed at the dossier itself. It was completely illegible by the time we were done, so when it came to a vote, nobody had any access to the facts. We had to go on instinct alone and by that point we were down to primal bloodlust."

Douglas Hogg, the Tory MP who memorably claimed expenses from the public to have his moat cleaned, claims the new findings justify his actions.

"It's essential for me to have a moat to keep the great unwashed out", he protested. "I used to go without but if the womenfolk of the town could run straight up to my front door, they would kick it down in the dead of night, drag me out of my bed and molest me to within an inch of my life. You proles may think it's all down to greed and privilege, but when you're as sexy as we are, you need to protect yourself. You try sitting in a transport planning debate for six hours when your old chap is chafed as raw as botchulism. It's intolerable. And if... oh my God, have you seen what Tessa Jowell is wearing today?"

"I simply must go and have her, I'm already wet at the tip".

Your humble correspondent then had to terminate the interview in order to vomit.

Rob van Riot
FPWK

Andrew Strauss accused of 'Jedi Mind Trick'

The Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) is to appeal to the ICC for Andrew Strauss to be banned for life from cricket, for the illegal use of a 'Jedi Mind Trick' to influence the outcome of a game. The events surrounding yesterday's cluster fuck at Trent Bridge, have lead to claims that Strauss used an 'illegal telepathic transgression' to gain Ian Bell's reinstatement. The England captain went to the Indian dressing room, during the late afternoon Pimms break, to meet with Indian captain M.S. Dhoni. After no more than twenty seconds, Dhoni headed straight to the umpire's drawing room to withdraw their appeal and asked for Bell to be reinstated.

An artist's impression of what Strauss may have
looked like as a Jedi Knight.

It was only when Dhoni was relaxing in his hammock later that evening, that he realised what he had actually done. "I couldn't actually remember going to the umpire, it was as if some mystic force made me do something I wouldn't normally even consider". Upon realising he had been duped by the England Captain, Dhoni went straight to work penning the necessary 23,500 word formal complaint letter, in Latin, to the ICC. When play was resumed, after Lipton tea and cream scones, Andrew Strauss could be heard "literally laughing his cock off" said FPWK audio technician, Flathead, who was working at the test match yesterday.

Bell, WINNING!

All of the drama surrounding "Jedigate" has managed to deflected attention away from Ian Bell, who according to David Gower "dropped a massive bollock". By his own admission, Bell has been hanging around with too many Premiership footballers, including John Terry, and hasn't the words Stop, No or Don't for some time. Bell said "I guess I just became accustomed to having things my own way, and like Big JT always says to me "If you want something badly enough, sleep with your team mates girlfriend", the guy has been a big inspiration to me, but I feel I have to take it a bit easier after getting away with that hum dinger".

Unsure of how to test Andrew Strauss for Jedi powers, the ICC have turned to Derek Acorah for advice. "Well, the tried and tested way to test for Jedi powers, is to use a Geiger counter as Jedis give off high levels of radiation". With the associated health risks of radiation poisoning the work is likely to be carried out by the female catering staff at Lord's, some time before the start of the next test, a week on Thursday.

The not-shy-of-controversy, Geoffrey Boycott, took a break from corporeally punishing his wife to sum up the matter in his own particular style:

Boycott: Honourary Degree in Domestic Discipline

"Fuckin' lucky tosser, In my day, they would have left him to rot in the changing room, but
we did used to wind the Indians up about their weak economy and the colour of their skin, they were simpler times, but at least you know where you stood! I don't really think it's done the spirit of the game much good either, before you know it they will hold it against us... wouldn't it just be typical of a former colony to hold a noble gesture over their former Empirical masters heads and scream injustice, wankers!".



Jeremey Axeminster

FPWK



Morrissey set to replace Prince Phillip as UK's political uncorrectness spokesperson

Here, Morrissey indicates where he wants the darkies to watch from

Lisping twat, Morrissey, has been officially confirmed as the successor to Prince Phillip as the spokesperson for the working man. Until recently, there had been some debate who would take over from the olive munching, nonagenarian Mountbatten, when he tires of insulting ethnic minorities and upsetting the LGBT community. However, Morrissey's fantastic outburst on Sunday, gave David Cameron no choice but to award the post to him. At a gig in Poland on Sunday night Morrissey said, and this is a direct and actual quote:

'We all live in a murderous world, as the events in Norway have shown with 97 dead,' he said (when the death toll was thought to be higher). 'Though that is nothing compared to what happens in McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Shit every day.'

Mountbatten: Pretty fly for a white guy

The likening of the Norway atrocities to McDonald's and KFC by Morrissey may have sealed the deal for the job, however Prince Phillip is less than happy at the appointment. Morrissey had a pop at the Royal family during the recent Royal wedding calling them "benefit scroungers". Of course, Phillip went off his tits upon hearing this and launched his riposte by putting this statement on his facebook status:

"Bloody Poof!, I should take him out the back and get my grandson to get his butler to give him a damn good thrashing! Anyway, nobody listens to you any more! Keep your bloody shirt on too, you like like a bin bag full of goose meat in aspic!"

To add to this scathing status update, Phillip has also ordered Nigel Kennedy and Gary Rhodes to get rid of their Morrissey based hairdos or face being "hanged by the neck until they die". Kennedy immediately cacked his pants and got a number one all over, whilst Rhodes is currently in the middle of filming his new series Rhodes across Rhodesia and is not expected to return alive. Meanwhile, close friend of the singer and fellow vegetarian and plantpot, Yoko Ono, jumped to his defence with this statement that she gave, whilst dressed as a Polar Bear and buried up to the tits in whipped cream by means of a protest:

"Wooooooo Weeeee ayayayayayayayayyayyeeee KOO KOO PING PING"

As per usual, not a single person on the planet cares what Ono is banging on about since she split the Beatles up. Meanwhile, Morrissey's lawyers have taken out a super injunction, not against any one person, or to stop any single piece of information getting out, more just for "shits and giggles" according to our source, who definitely did not hack any one's phone or email account at London based law firm Sodom, Gomorrah and Heseltine.

In order to delay his retirement from the post and prevent Morrissey from ascending into power, Prince Phillip has been in talks with Ryan Giggs about how to extend his career. Giggs recommended quorn burgers, pilates and smashing the granny out of anything that moves, particularly empty headed Welsh bints as they take up the tea towel holder.

Jeremy Axemister

FPWK

MURDOCH WATCH: IS SWEDEN NEXT?

Brievik's X Ray raised considerable alarm

All eyes were on Scandanavia this evening, as the world wondered what Rupert Murdoch would do next in his endeavours to re-direct attention from the activities of his media empire.

Earlier on Thursday, it appeared that his grand scheme had paid dividends as not a trace of his filth could be found in the morning papers, yet by evening it was a different story as yet another dead girl's name turned up on the files of News International's Private Investigators.

"We should have seen through it, really", said Eric Doritos, Head of Voyeurism at Hello Magazine. "Initially I thought that the horrific events in Norway were just the tragic, desperate acts of a lone twat. But looking at pictures at him, he's the most Aryan man in the world. People just don't become that Aryan by genetics alone. And there's only two men in the world who hate the Jews, the blacks and the poor enough to create some kind of Aryan superman; Hitler and Murdoch. And Hitler's dead. And less right-wing. It's now clear that Anders Behring Breivik was created in a lab at News International, then despatched into the wild to create a news story of some kind."

As unpalatable as that thought may be, his theory was backed up by Richard Dawkins, who shouted the following over his shoulder whilst taking a leak at a service station near Bolton:-

He didn't wash his hands

"If you look at all the evidence, it's clear that Brievik was a robot from the future. Look at the kill count. It would have taken Derrick Bird or Raoul Moat fucking years to chalk up numbers like that. This guy is some kind of Terminator. To build a Terminator you've got to have a whole lot of dollar and the brooding, sinister mind of an evil genius. There's only one name that fits the bill.Well, two names if you consider Bono. But for the purposes of this article, it's Rupert Murdoch."



Independant analysis suggests this event was on the cards for some time. This footage obtain by British police shows two female Terminators captured by the roadside. During questioning, they threw themselves under the wheels of an articulated lorry to escape, only to pick themselves up and run off, leaving police astonished and slightly turned on:- THIS IS NOT NORMAL

One can only speculate as to the current whereabouts of these Terminator girls, but Sweden is on notice that an atrocity may occur. Being an independant website and having legal responsibility, we must point out that nobody's saying that somebody's about to burn Sweden. We're just saying Sweden may get burnt.

Ginger, irritating, but still more tolerable than Rebekah Brooks

All Murdoch's hard work and effort was sadly wasted when it transpired that the mother of murdered child Sarah Payne was also hacked by grief-vultures at NOTW, and the ensuing level of public revulsion has ensured another difficult day of headlines for the octogenarian phone fiddler tomorrow. Just to add bite to the story, like a cherry full of piss on a cake made entirely out of shit, the mobile phone in question was given to her by hellbound fuck-up magnet Rebekah Brooks.

Brooks, who now holds the unique distinction of surpassing Bonnie Langford and Hazel Blears as the most hated ginger witch in the country, allowed the following defiant squeak to spew forth from her wretched lying lips:- "These allegations are abhorrent and particularly upsetting as Sara Payne is a dear friend".

A spokesmen for Ms Brooks later stated that she had no further comment to make; her day having already been emotional enough, with hours spent trawling through weeping messages of condolence on  Amy Winehouse's voicemail.

Rob van Riot

FPWK
 

EU to put all North Western English towns on protected name list

The North West: Angry at Americans

EU Ministers are putting plans together to include all North Western English towns on the protected name list. The move has been designed to stop war mongering Americans naming their children after places in the area, in a vain attempt to connect with their ancestry. Due to America being short on history, second only to Chelsea football club on the World Heritage lack of history list, the parents of new born, white, Anglo-Saxon, protestant (WASP's) children, throw aside the baby name books of yesteryear and simply stick a pin in a map of North West England and name their child after the town it falls in.

The atrocity was first noticed by Frundle Bartch, Professor of Northeness at the University of Oswaldtwistle, in early 2002. After doing several years of research, Bartch concluded that up to 92% of all WASP's under the age of 21, were named after towns in the North West of England.

"It first clouted me round lug 'ole, when I were watching' some generic American sitcom on telly box 'bout a load of gormless buggers that d'nowt but laze around and drink coffee. As credits rolled at th'end o show, I saw all these names... Preston, Lytham, Kirkham and such... I were sat there wi mi cake 'ole oppen, wonderin' what these daft buggers were up t" said Bartch.

After securing funding from the People's Republic of the North West, Bartch completed a six month tour of America interviewing WASP's and his findings were startling. Not only did most of the people named after Northern towns not know where these towns were, but many did not know where England was and some had never even heard of it. One person, named Oldham Skelmersdale Runnynose III, that Bartch interviewed in Aspen said: "ENGLAND.. Hell yeah! I know it, you're that country near Japan we invaded before we single handedly won the World War!"

Arsene Clouseau: Cultured

Upon his return to God's own country, Bartch collated his findings and took them to the EU and they, surprisingly, jumped straight on the band wagon. The openly Xenophobic French were happy to support anything that stopped this travesty dead in its tracks. Spokesman for all of France, Arsene Clouseau, is very keen on the proposed plans, givng this statement:

"Because of ze tweening erv tons across Europe, we feel zat French tons, tweeened weez Norz Wistern Igleesh tons, could be used to nom obese Americans in ze future, and I werd rarzer dreenk Australian whet wern frerm a shoe zan let zis appen!"

To help the unimaginative Americans fill the void left by the protection order, Bartch has suggested that they use some other form of reference for child names. This is perhaps the most contraversial part of the plan, as he has suggested that the burger munching imbeciles use Adolf Hitlers best selling book, Mein Kampf. He reached this suggestion when part of his research showed the Aryan look of most WASP's. Blonde hair and blue eyes were a very prominent feature amongst of most people included in the research, as well as a predisposition for short, beady eyed, right wing politicians and global domination.

The proposed plans would probably have drawn outrage from any other developed country, but as of yet, nobody of any consequence in America has made any sort of response. This is probably related to the fact, that it is the time of year when male WASP's in America like to stuff live baby deers full of blood diamonds and beat them sticks in order to attract mates. If America does not lodge a formal complaint with EU by the end of next week, they will lose the right to appeal and probably start drawing up invasion plans.

Jeremy Axeminster

FPWK

City Set To Give Tevez To Charity

The very talented, very handsome, Carlos Tevez.

Manchester City manager, Roberto Mancini has revealed he is willing to donate wantaway striker, Carlos Tevez to a worthy cause this week, in a desperate bid to avoid another season of slow, painful bewilderment and exasperation at the hands of the Argentinian and his loathsome, usurious advisor, Kia Joorabchian.

The news came as Tevez's proposed £40m move to Corinthians broke down on Wednesday when City realised the Brazilian outfit intended to pay the transfer fee with cocaine. 

Kia Joorabchian:  Behold his wad.

Tevez handed in a transfer request to City in May 2011, and despite several weeks of Joorabchian claiming that a move to Brazil was 'Tevez's dream and mine' it now transpires that predictably, that was all bullshit and it was really about the cash all along.

The proposed move to donate Tevez to charity is of course without precedent in world football.  However, Mancini insists it is in the best interests of the club:  "Obviously, he's a very, very good player.  Our problem is that both he and his parasitic, fuckbag of an advisor have about as much loyalty as a News of The World office temp.  It has become increasingly obvious over the last few months that Tevez and Joorabchian could not give a flying fuck through a rolling doughnut about where their money comes from.  Obviously this has put off potential buyers."

Of course, with Tevez being one of the best players in the world there are only a select few potential buyers in existence.  City value Tevez at £50m, which looks a snip when one considers that Fernando Torres' move to Chelsea was also for £50m and he is, fundamentally, not very good at football. 
Real Madrid, Manchester United, Barcelona, Chelsea and Inter Milan have all point-blank refused to get involved with Joorabchian on any level whatsoever, with Real Madrid president, Florentino Perez referring to the agent as; "Everything that is wrong with football, personified."

Manchester City were looking to raise some cash from the sale of Tevez, who only signed a 5-year deal with City in 2009.  "He's under contract here until summer 2013."  Mancini stated flatly.  "No one is going to buy him - he's more trouble than Joey fucking Barton!  What we've decided to do is give him to Comic Relief and then claim £50m of tax relief.  Everyone's a winner - except the fans."

Lenny Henry or Martin Luther King?  You decide.

Comic Relief spokesman, Lenny Henry, gave the following statement to FPWK Usury Correspondent, Mike Cash:  "Obviously, he's not as good as most black players, but we can overlook that.  It does mean that we'll have to hold a Red Nose Day every Friday to be able to pay him and Joorabchian, but that's only fair isn't it?  We'll have him doing kick-ups in Somalia one week and a guest spot on a Fast Show special the week after."

FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, is said to be 'incandescent with rage' after failing to dream-up an excuse to fuck an English club over.  Many other English clubs are now looking at the possibility of off-loading over-paid, over-rated players to other charities and then claiming tax relief to cover the losses. 
Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish was among the first to welcome the new loop-hole.  He spoke to FPWK Sports Correspondent, Archie McPherson:  "I'm going to have a clear-out.  If I can off-load Kyriagkos, Lucas, Ngog, Johnson, Poulsen and Aquilani to The Spastics Society or whatever they call it these days, claim £200m in tax relief, then I should have enough in the kitty to bag Lionel Messi's left nut."

Johnny Plantpot
FPWK



CAMERON FLEES COUNTRY AS MURDOCH PREPARES TO ACTIVATE DEATH STAR

Murdoch's fully operational battle station

Prime Minister David Cameron was in hiding in darkest Africa last night, having been tipped off about Rupert Murdoch’s intentions to activate his colossal starbase, the ‘Death Star’, and send Britain back to the dark ages in vengeance for ‘Hackgate’.

Murdoch has long been rumoured to have an ‘end of days’ contingency plan should his enemies ever mount a sustained offensive against him, and it now transpires that the ‘dark side’ of the Moon, long considered to be beyond the reaches of human navigation, has been slowly transformed into a deadly weapon by Murdoch’s Empire, capable of turning a man’s head into pie and mash within a nanosecond of exposure. Now, with a Commons enquiry facing him and his business collapsing around him like a former News of the World journalist hounded into a drug overdose, Murdoch is preparing to press the big red button. Quizzed as to why he chose South Africa as a destination, Cameron snarled “South Africa is a brave, courageous nation, with a fine and honourable history of protecting the interests of rich white men from foreign invaders. Don’t tell Mandela I’m here, he’ll have me”. Pressed further as to how he became aware of Murdoch’s evil scheme, he explained “How do you think? I hacked his phone. I didn’t employ Andy Coulson for nothing, you know. Back in the day this is exactly the thing we’d have used a Super Injunction for. Thanks a pissing lot, Ryan Giggs. At least if I’d ploughed Imogen Thomas I’d have gotten something out of all this.”

Rick Stein's waste bin

The Giggs affair was again thrust into the spotlight, as the ongoing investigation into News of the World business practice suggested that Coulson may have ordered the hacking of Imogen’s gash in order to acquire stories.

At home, calls began for Cameron stand down as Prime Minister - his paper thin denials of any prior knowledge of the furore looking even more piss weak and lamentable in light of the arrest of most of his regular cocktail party associates. However the march to remove him from power appears to have stalled due to the lack of anybody with the authority to do it.

Dave Mingethackery, 22, is a Police Constable from Burton on Trent who joined the force three months ago. Now, as senior police officers continue to throw themselves onto the fire like self-flagellating remorse monkeys, he finds himself the third most senior officer in the country.

“I’d love to arrest Cameron,” says Dave, “but I don’t even get proper handcuffs until next week. So I’m a bit fucked in that respect. I can do speeding fines though, so if someone could propel him past me at forty on an inner city road I could pick him up for that”.

Meanwhile, bereft of the ability to blame the latest crisis on immigrants, gays or the poor, the atmosphere at the Daily Mail is on a knife edge.

Paul Dacre, does a mean 'Shirley Bassey'

“WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?”, screamed editor Paul Dacre, at a cleaner. “Suddenly we’ve got the biggest readership of any Sunday paper and I have nothing to put in it! Nobody wants to read about the blacks putting all our farmers out of pocket, or queers causing cancer, everybody’s out baying for the blood of the top brass! I can’t put that sort of shit in my paper! Do you know how awkward that would make my coffee mornings? My polo matches? I have to socialise with these people, have pity! Littlejohn’s literally speechless. He hasn’t uttered a single hateful lie in days. I think he’s traumatised..

Either that or his phone’s been hacked too and they’re about to out him and Barrymore”.

Rob van Riot

FPWK

Met Office Chief In 'McEnroe' Twitter Outburst

God lights up the Irish sea last night with what He calls the 'Festival Buster'

Ridiculously inaccurate charlatans, The Met Office, were at the centre of a media feeding frenzy yesterday, after CEO John Hirst inexplicably launched a foul-mouthed tirade at God Almighty on social-networking website, Twitter.


Hirst is believed to be disconcerted with God's recent weather for the UK and decided to publicly declare his disgust.

Manchester before the proper rain came.

Hirst's 'tweet' is believed to have read:  "@jesushchrist  July?  McFly?  Hello?  Manchester under 4ft of water!  You cannot be serious!  You cannot be fucking serious!"


A Met Office spokesman released the following statement in response to Hirst's outburst:

"July is traditionally a summer month for the UK.  As such, Met Office employees and weather forecasters are contractually bound to smugly predict fine weather, particularly in the South-East.  Sadly, Mr Christ has decided to fly in the face of all that by unleashing a series of downpours of, frankly biblical proportions.  If I lived within 50 miles of a river I'd have built an ark by now.  Whilst we cannot condone Mr Hirst's blasphemous outburst, he was limited to 140 characters and we can certainly see his point.  We will not be seeking his resignation."


Predictably, religious groups were first off the mark with the usual pitchfork bollocks.
Vatican spokesman, The Pope, 84, broke off from an on-line Nazi role-playing game to tweet in response:  "@snakeoilhirsty  Blasphemy is a true sin.  May The Lord smite all sinners (except kiddie fiddlers) #nojohnnies"

Sarah Palin's back garden yesterday.

Of course, none of this ridiculous weather has anything to do with climate change if you believe such respected figures as Jeremy Clarkson, who powers his cars with plutonium and polar bear juice, or Alaskan governor, Sarah Palin, who has consistently pooh-poohed climate change theory despite the fact she can now see Russia from her porch.

Think-Tank, blackiswhite.org released the following statement in defence of climate change deniers:

"Global warming alarmism is a breach of our human rights and Al Gore is a wanker."  Said the statement.  Blackiswhite.org, who also lobby for Holocaust Deniers, Astral Travellers, Roman Catholics and people who can't decide whether homosexuality should be eliminated by stem-cell research or not, continued to state:  "The Environmental Protection Agency are essentially fascists and Kyoto is a load of shit."

Meanwhile, here in North-West England it continued to piss it down, and my fucking roof is leaking again.  Nice one.

Johnny Plantpot
FPWK