Glastonbury: A refugee camp for twats

Here, Eavis is struggling to hear what bands people actually want to listen to

Monumental Fuck up

Once again the legendary Glastonbury festival has managed to capture the imagination of twats everywhere! 40 years since it first took place, people from across the globe, gather in a field to join and together to fund Michael Eavis' valiant efforts into finding a cure for the middle classes via stem cell research. Every year he finds new and innovative ways to distance the festival from its origins, whilst attempting to bewilder, what Eavis calls, "normal people".

Apparently each light on his coat represents a bank account in a tax haven

This year has been no exception and the upside-down-headed-plant-pot has out done himself by enlisting the leather clad minge, Bono, to perform a hypocritical tax dodge with his performance fee, then strong arm anyone who feels like saying that it's a bit naughty of someone who regularly lobbies governments to eradicate third world debt, bouncing their own money all over the world to avoid paying the correct level of tax in their home country. Despite the festival having roots in the hippie movement of the 70's, Eavis has managed to alienate them all, again..... Bono was unavailable for comment, as apparently the phone in his ivory tower is powered by the sound of children crying, which the new, solid gold lining in his jacuzzi deflects.

Meanwhile, other acts have been called into question about their validity to perform at a music festival. The once good, Coldplay, performed their latest single "OOOOOooooh Gwyneth, Apple needs a banana" dressed as Morris dancers whilst flicking the V's at a monkey dressed as George Bush. Middle class twonk, Chris Martin, denies that his marriage to American yawning rabbit, Gwyneth Paltrow, has had anything to do with the bands musical decline thereafter, strongly suggesting that a strong Euro and the wide variety of flavour crisps now available, has had more to do with their latest offering sounding like someone driving a clown's car into a minefield.

                                                     Why has everybody has got the hump?

A close up of Beyonces' offensive cunt

Probably dwarfing all other matters at Glasto this year, is something that has cleft the nation diametrically a twain. A thing so big, that it has been called the "biggest ever" by some. HRH Prince Phillip, apparently dropped his big book of racist jokes when he saw it, stating "Fuck me Liz,  I didn't think they made them like that anymore". I am of course, talking about Beyonce Knowles' camel toe.

The front bottom in question, has lead to cloutrage by feminist groups such as "Camel toe, Hell No!" and "Lesbians Against Fun" who have branded it  "A bad example of the objectivity of the female sexual organs, in order to perpetuate the male dominance over the remote control for the Sky HD box". Germaine Greer is planning to write an essay on the matter, once Wimbledon has finished.

The darker side of Glasto.

Despite all the fun had by everyone off their faces on bubble at Glasto, there was of course a darker side to the festival. The death of Christopher Shale shook the festival to its very core, particularly in the VIP section where he was found dead in the toilet. The VIP section has long been the real Nirvana of Glasto, with fresh running water, clean toilets with paper, boxes of kittens, security staff paid to look the other way and groupies on hand to perform obscure sexual favours for rock stars.

Alas, this tragedy has ruined Glasto for the great and the good of the UK festival scene. Former Radio 1 twat, turned Radio 2 twat, Jo Whiley could barely bring herself to pipe off Dave Grohl she was so distraught! "Honestly.... He was a lovely man and should defo be up for a Brit award" said blonde fuck dust Whiley about the matter. Another unamed, unfunny, overweight, Radio 1 DJ from Leeds expressed anger by saying "Why can't t'bloody politicians, just stick to th'auto asphyxiation dressed in womens undies in 'otel roooms, leave t'festivals for us!". Of course, Mr. Shale was a close friend to the countryss favourite everyman, David Cameron. The "Prime Minister" was thinking about chillin' with some homies at Glasto next year, but the death at the Somerset festival has totally rinsed the idea for him. At a press conference Cameron stated "Yeah Mon, Big tings was a gwannin' for Glasto next year fam..... See, Shale was born fi'dead, sayin? So me and mi bredrin' oot a pure respek for de mon are goin pan the Glade instead".

The Future of Glasto

Despite all the trauma and drama surrounding this years festival, there is no doubt in my mind that Eavis et al, will be back next year, bigger, better and more sycophantic than ever before. I'm sure Eavis has already got the headline act in mind, or maybe even even booked. What will this genius read from the pulse of the nation? Russel Crowes' band, 30 odd foot Grunts, closing the Sunday night by performing their own Australian rock version of Miles Davis' Kind of Blue, whilst setting fire to disabled children and paying them in Nazi gold is the idea being batted around the NME offices at the moment. Lets hope Eavis pulls it off for the sake of music in this country. If worst comes to worst, I'm sure he has the Chuckle Brothers number somewhere! So, make sure you get into your line manager first, and book the week off as soon as you are back work! Otherwise you might miss the middle class bum fingering extravaganza of the year, Glastonbury 2012!

FPWK