Blackpool Turns To Dignitas

Blackpool Tower:  Mecca for cretins.

There is an enormous plantpot magnet at the top of Blackpool Tower, and it's been there for ages, it emerged yesterday.

As hundreds of locals simultaneously slapped their foreheads and screamed "Well that fucking explains it, then!" at the top of their voices, Blackpool resident, Gary Rooney, 19, had this to say:  "Eeeeeyyaaarrrrrr knob 'ed!  Pincha smoke off ya?"

It is believed that the magnet was first installed by hilariously unhilarious racialist comedian, Joey Blower in 1994.  Blower installed the device in order to attract audiences with the required sequence of chromosome deficiencies needed to appreciate the tired, loathsome, self-serving, pile of fetid worm spunk that is, The Joey Blower Show.

Blower after reaching a Plantpot landmark.

Since that fateful day, Blackpool has attracted over 39,000 new plantpots, putting them in with a growing share of the population (27%), shortly behind are crackheads (19%), traffic cones (13%) and members of metal bands (11%).  Inevitably, not all of these pilgrimages have happy endings.  Five percent of immigrant plantpots are killed or maimed within 48 hours of arrival, usually by another plantpot protecting his territory or by eating from one of the town's fast food establishments.  
A further two percent are incarcerated and returned to the secure institution from whence they escaped, or 'hotel' as some of the brochures like to say.

The sharp rise in the plantpot population has led Swiss firm, Dignitas, to consider opening a clinic in the town.  
Assisted suicide for immigrant plantpots is still a somewhat divisive issue amongst Blackpool residents, but some are failing to see an alternative.  "If it's a straight choice between getting covered in saliva every time I leave the house or putting everyone in a pair of detailed jeans to sleep, then I know which side my bread is buttered!"  Says Randolph Saxonburg, head of Plantpot Management for Blackpool tourist board.  "They come over here, with their STIs and gingivitis, not a pot to piss in, spew up all over our streets, drinking the over-priced witch piss that the myriad of Mitchell & Butler pubs here have the temerity to call 'lager', then decide that it's just so wonderful here that they have to stay.  Well, not on my fucking watch!"

Mr Saxonburg's comments came as Blackpool Council released details of the scheme in which Dignitas are to be made 'Key Investment Partners' in the town:  "What we are proposing," said councillor Frank Emptihead, "is a solution that works for local residents.  The lifeless cadavers from the new Dignitas clinic will be taken to The Sandcastle, which will be filled with formaldehyde, where they can be kept until needed as winter fuel for our impoverished residents.  It's a lot easier than us creating jobs.  Obviously, there will be a council tax rise required to fund the scheme.  Ha ha ha ha!"

The Tache:  Four hundred grand's worth of dangerous misery.

Opponents of the Dignitas scheme include Tache Nightclub proprietor, Ron Blunden, 97, who claims the plans are ill considered:  "I run a club which is full of 500 wannabe necrophiliacs every single Thursday.  You put a huge pile of preserved dead bodies within walking distance and you're going to have a problem.  All I'm saying is; I can't guarantee that some of the corpses wouldn't end up as part of my regular clientele.  And if you can smell formaldehyde in there through the overwhelming stench of piss, sweat, blood and yeast infections, then you're a better man than I am."

As news filtered through that The Tache is finally going to be demolished anyway (Yeah, right - 'council offices' Bet that's what Hitler said Dachau was gonna be.), the future looks bright for the Dignitas scheme, with the former Tache site ear-marked as a possible location for the clinic.  "It's close to the station, it's got a big fucking fire exit that we could turn into a conveyor belt.  Why not?"  Asked Councillor Emptihead, not even rhetorically.

Public opinion in Blackpool was hard to collate.  The entire population of Blackpool basically lives a life of tortured, jobless, alcoholism, occasionally interspersed with a council tax rise that means they can only afford to drink Brasso for the last two weeks of every month.  Buckfast and Special Brew here are viewed with suspicion, as though they were frankincense or myrrh.  All the town's gold is now stored in Cash Converter's vault.  There are more closed down shops than there are open ones, and the town does not have a supermarket.  Street traders, hawking rubber rats on fishing wire, litter the pedestrian areas like black marketeers in a besieged Sarajevo.  All around buildings crumble and decay, so that the High Street resembles Shane McGowan's mouth.
The overbearing stench of fecal matter fills the lungs as I wander on to the Promenade.  An Iranian illegal migrant tries to sell me a partially cooked bat in a green barmcake.  I decline.  Politely.  A gypsy approaches with a sprig of heather in tin-foil.  I assume it is a low-cost alternative to heroin and make my excuses.  A bus pulls up.  There is no destination on the front.  For there is nowhere to go in this town.  There is nothing to see.  It's starting to rain, I drift inside an amusement arcade.  Lights.  Noises.  I stand in front of a fruit machine and stare at the lights.  This is all they have here.  Will you take the gamble?  Will you be the lucky one?  You can win big!  Please insert coin. 

Johnny Plantpot

FPWK  

Blackburn Express Interest In Del Monte

Kean:  High Rate DLA.

Premiership strugglers, Blackburn Rovers are set to table a record breaking bid to lure Delmontean international striker, Themanfrom Del Monte, to Ewood Park.

Topman:  Del Monte's pension.

Manager, Steve Kean, who is paid £20,000 per week on top of his disability benefits released the following statement:

"Anuradha Desai has told me to buy a striker.  Riquelme said 'no', Ronaldinho said 'no', Raul said 'no'.  Undeterred, I continued my scouting, and discovered that Themanfrom was available, and likely to say 'yes'."

A bid of at least £25m is likely to be needed to tempt Delmontean outfit, Umbongo, to part with their talisman, whose signature of course, comes with his image rights for every Top Man, River Island and Next in the world.


Del Monte would be the first Delmontean international to play in the Premiership and many experts feel like there may be a reason for that.  Blackpool manager, Ian Holloway, was quick to urge caution:  "I'll admit it - I looked at bringing Del Monte in.  Then I discovered that he was on £100,000 a week!  Oh, and he can't play football.  All the Delmontean grasslands are filled with landmines."

While Blackburn do still have one or two players who can play football, most fans believe that Steve Kean, under the controlling strings of Venky's ownership are seeking to off-load the remaining competent players to rival clubs and replace them with mercenary fuckwits, who are nearly of pensionable age.  Del Monte, who made his debut in the 80's, would take the Rovers squad's average age to 43.4, and into second place behind Chelsea.  Blackburn fan, Frank Wrigley, 60, reckons it's a lost cause for his side:  "Jack Walker is spinning in his grave!  You could power half of Feniscowles if you wired him up.  God rest his soul.  Sack the board."

This is how Venkys see all this panning out.

Most high street bookmakers have already stopped taking bets on Blackburn being relegated, after a suspicious betting pattern in the Padiham area alerted managers.  "It's a bit of a no-brainer."  Said William Hill spokeswoman, Robyn Swines, "When you start getting four-figure wagers on something, from the most impoverished and deprived place on the planet, it's pretty certain there's some jiggery-pokery somewhere.  It's a bit like if Somalia bid to host the Olympics."  

One can only speculate as to the nature of this 'dead-cert';  Perhaps the Venkys are a syndicate from Burnley?  Perhaps David Dunn owes money to a lard manufacturer?  Perhaps the whole thing is just one huge, macabre experiment being played out by a bunch of people who have about as much business being in control of a football club as they do being in control of the Finnish national butt-plug gargling contest?  Who knows, but with two losses out of two, Rovers are rock bottom and show no signs of revival. 

Here's hoping even Themanfrom Del Monte doesn't say no.


Johnny Plantpot

FPWK

Chris Martin steps up bid to make UK better place after riots

To show his connection with the common man, Martin proves he can stand up.

Coldplay front man and massive plantpot, Chris Martin, has stepped up his campaign to make the UK a more tolerable place to live, by announcing that the bands next album 'Mylo Xyloto' will probably be their last.  Since their debut album 'Parachutes', Martin has tirelessly worked at letting down music fans all over the nation.

"We feel that too many people liked our our first album, it had lots of decent songs on it and people all over the country could listen to it from start to finish.  When we started work on 'Rush of Blood to the Head' we decided to decrease the number of good songs on it by about 37%, replacing them with songs about my wife's (the equally annoying Gwyneth Paltrow) macrobiotic diet."

Paltrow's affluent effluent

Despite Martin's musings about the way Paltrow can "shit for Britain", due to the large quantities of mung beans and seaweed she consumes, the second album still had enough decent songs on it to make people buy it.  In order to help him destroy the reputation of British Indie music, and make a third album so vapid it would have John Peel spinning in his grave so fast that it could power every Smart car in the UK for fifty years,  Martin recruited fellow whining minge, Gary Lightbody from the equally vapid Snow Patrol, to write songs so mundane they could be used in every episode of Dawson's Creek for the rest of time.

Lightbody "smirting" in Africa

The two set off on a journey of musical disturbance to world's most African of continents;  Africa.  Carrying only instruments hand made by Argentinian lepers and wearing fairtrade clothes made entirely of vegan friendly blancmange, they skipped hand-in-hand all the way to Africa.  Upon arrival, they instantly found themselves inspired to write songs in keys that "no one had ever heard of" and Martin in particular found the inner strength to write such classic bilge as 'Fix You' and 'Speed of Sound'.  After several months of fingering each others bum holes, whilst playing flutes made of fairtrade celery, the duo returned to the UK.  Lightbody realised the massive cock up he had just made and went on a massive coke binge, whilst Martin hit the studio with the other feckless members of Coldplay, to record the wankfest 'X&Y'.


"Once again Coldplay have managed to thrap out another hit laden long player 4/5" said NME columnist Barnaby Singlespeed.  The boys of Coldplay once again realised what they had done and decided to make their next outing, Viva la Vida, so viscerally painful to listen to, that  surely no one would ever buy it. 


"We all decided to play each others instruments to reduce the quality, then I suggested playing whilst wearing boxing gloves too" said bass player Guy Berryman in between Botox injections.

The iHand, you don't need one, but you will buy one.

All was going well, then what happened next is considered, by many, to be the greatest cluster fuck in musical history.  During the recording sessions for 'Viva la Vida', the Coldplay Guitarist, Johnny Buckland, accidentally rolled and smoked a joint and then proceeded to write the one good guitar riff on the entire album, the one from the song 'Violet Hill'.  Of course once the general public heard the riff, they unwittingly downloaded the album, mistakenly believing that there would be something else of musical note, only to be completely and utterly mistaken.  Apple Mac Mogul, Steve Jobs, considered shutting the iTunes store down for a while to try and stop the rot, but by the time he had finished making something else that no one really needs, he was too late.


So, after reducing the sperm count of red blooded males in the UK for what seems like eternity, Chris Martin has hinted strongly that no matter what comes of this album, Coldplay will split up and concentrate, not on solo albums, but on being very quiet in isolated parts of the British Isles.  


"To be honest, if any body buys this album, I will be very surprised" spluttered the deceivingly fat drummer Will Champion, "Essentially, we just recorded the sounds of a flock of sheep that had been poisoned with arsenic and then fed them to some wolves whilst on the vinegar stroke of their lives, not that it matters, I'm moving to Inverness to eat deep fried Irn-Bru" 

Bono, with fellow Anthropologist, Bush

Chris and the boys will probably get Knighted for this act of selflessness, especially in the wake of the recent civil unrest.  The act of never, ever producing any more new music, puts Coldplay firmly in the top, top echelon of humanitarians, along with the likes of Ghandi, the Dalai Lama and Paul Gascoigne. Reports from our source inside the U2 harem say that Bono is "sick as fuck" at the thought that he didn't think of turning it in 20 years ago and "missing the chance to be giving something back, by doing nothing." 


Everybody in the FPWK office feels exactly the same way Bono.  Everyone.


Jeremy Axeminster


FPWK

'Ring-Leader' Cole Charged With Public Order Offences



Cole:  The People's Champion.

Chelsea full-back and noted plantpot, Ashley Cole, has been arrested this afternoon, after police intelligence (there's a fucking oxymoron) identified him as the ring-leader in this week's London riots.

Cole was allegedly caught on CCTV running through Hackney, carrying what appeared to be an air rifle.

"He's got form for this kind of shit."  Said Metropolitan Police spokesman, John Plod.  "Let's face it - it's been a matter of time.  Since he joined Arsenal as a youth player, there's been a Tesco in Stepney one check-out guy short.  It's only natural that the lobotomised masses would rally behind someone like that.  His messianic complex has been there for all to see for quite some time.  He probably thinks he's Che Guevara or something - if he even knows who that is."

Cole's Hierarchy Of Needs

Although Cole has no experience of leading mindless, violent rampages through our nation's capital, it is believed that he possesses all of the characteristics of someone that would like to:  "His arrogance is legendary."  Says London Mayor, Boris Johnson.  "He does not care about anyone but himself, and has dedicated his life to making sure he is considerably richer than you, at the expense of all normal human character traits.  This guy would have Maslow in fucking pieces.  He will see this as his 'calling';  to destroy where he is from, so that the history books will say he was an immaculate conception.  Seriously, he's that fucked up."

Meanwhile, his painfully vacant wife, Cheryl, has once again taken leave of whatever semblance of senses she had, in order to defend Cole.  She released the following statement to FPWK:

"Ashley is deeply traumatised by his arrest.  He does not recognise any authority other than his own and will not be co-operating with police.  He will be answering no questions until the Chief Superintendent of Scotland Yard has gone out to get him a KFC Fully Loaded meal, and that, as far as he is concerned, is that."

Cole's Chelsea team-mates also rallied to his defence, with club captain, John Terry, among the first to visit his home to comfort Cheryl in her hour of need, then fuck her up the wrong 'un in his England kit.

Johnny Plantpot

FPWK

Chas & Dave Scoop Prestigious Gong

Chas & Dave:  Possibly psychic.

Legendary Rockneys Chas & Dave are to be awarded a prestigious prize for their song 'Snooker Loopy' some 25 years after it's release, it emerged yesterday.

Their 1986 hit, originally thought to be about snooker has now been exposed as containing contemporary Conservative policies regarding immigration and public spending, as well as staggeringly accurate, Nostradamus-esque predictions about Britain's cultural climate.

'Gruppenfuhrer' Ron Atkinson.

The duo will attend a ceremony at Brixton Town Hall on Friday to formally accept 2011's 'The 'Big' Ron Atkinson Urban Inter-Ethno Community Multi-Faithed Sexually-Diverse Affirmative Tolerance Award'.

Previous winners of TBRAUIECMFSDATA include Enoch Powell, Margaret Thatcher, Jim Davidson and notably, BNP leader Nick Griffin, who has won the prize for the last 5 years running.

Prime Minister David Cameron was among the first to congratulate Chas & Dave;  FPWK sources say that he called the duo personally upon hearing the news and is in negotiations to secure the rights to the song for the next Tory election campaign:  "It could have been written for us."  Claims Cameron, "In 2010, we 'potted the reds'.  I now say this to the British people: we have kept our thinly-veiled election manifesto inferences - we have screwed back for the yellows, greens, browns, blues, pinks and blacks.  Although, to take the metaphor to it's natural conclusion;  if I could have concentrated on blacks as much as Ronnie O' Sullivan can, then I think we'd have seen a new 'Masters' champion by now, if you know what I mean."

HMV in Hackney:  Unable to keep up with demand.

This is not the first time a so-called 'zany' pop song has stirred up political debate in this country.   Joe Dolce's 'Shaddap You Face' from 1980 has since been revealed to contain powerful hidden messages designed to deflect public attention away from Margaret Thatcher's draconian austerity measures of the early 80's.  It is also no secret that Geoffrey Howe personally bought 14,000 copies in order to keep Ultravox from the top of the charts.

FPWK song analyst, Robin Honeybadger, claims that the hidden meanings in 'Snooker Loopy' were there to spot all along: "If you substitute the word 'snooker' and replace it with the word 'proper', then this has the makings of an excellent Tory propaganda ditty.
"However, " says Honeybadger, "It's when we start to dissect the verses that the true horror of this song becomes fully apparent.  Cameron's unbridled xenophobia was obvious as early as 1986.  You just can't fucking deny it, and neither, no matter what his political stripe, can 'Terry The Taff'."

Labour leader, Ed Miliband, whose father of course, was a massive raving Marxist, reacted to the news by revealing that Labour are to run a series of X-Factor-style auditions in order to find a composer for their next election campaign song.  Hot favourites include;  Bono, Chris Martin, James Blunt and loads of other dreary, vacuous ball-aches.

Johnny Plantpot

FPWK

FTSE 100 Index exposed as massive load of bollocks!

Gwillym (left) and Seb (right), Twats that laugh at your misery

The FTSE 100 Index has been dealt another massive blow today, when a 7 year old girl asked Prime Minister David Cameron "Why do all those numbers and letters mean that my Daddy has no money to buy me a pony?".  The little girl in question, Chardonnay Mbengwi-Cooper, sprung the question on the PM at the official closing ceremony of the last library in England.

At first, Cameron was unsure of what the question meant, but when his advisor advised him with advice that the numbers in question were the FTSE 100, Cameron suddenly looked like a dog that had been shown a card trick. Unable to give a direct answer to the weeping child, Cameron went in search of someone who might know. Fortunately, the PM has Alan Sugar on BBM and sent him this message, which an unnamed source, may or may not have hacked for FPWK:

Cunting big thunbs

"Yo! $ugababez! wa'gwannin? sum lil' rasclaat ho jus str8t up dissed me in front of mi' breddrin? bitch waz poppin shit abt sum FTSE 100 index or sum shit? u no what she spittin venom abt? on the + side, her mum woz well phat and she added me on facebook innit :)"

To which Lord Sugar replied:

What rich people wear when going for a shit

"Aiiight D-Cam! pure time since we talked fam! basically bitch was talkin bout dis FTSE shiz, its bscally a steamin pile of pussy claat numbrz n lettrz us rich bwoyz use to confuz ppl without ne cash into thinkin dat the world will end if us clevva ppl dnt sort stufs out for dem and ting. man, i tellz u, i pure lined ma pockits wiv dis shit! bscally its a cross btwn countdown nd sudoku bt dnt tell neone! lolz"

When the FPWK team got hold of these texts, we immediately contacted Ms. Mbengwi-Cooper to tell her the truth. Upon hearing the truth about why she can't have a pony, the 7 year old spotaneously combusted and set fire to the house killing two guinea pigs named salt and pepper that were trapped inside. The RSPCC has been contacted and are looking into the possibility of criminal charges relating to the death of the animals. Chastity Frigidpants, spokesperson for the RSPCC gave this statement:

"After the tragic death of these two poor, innocent, sweet, furry, little animals, it is imperative that we bring the people responsible to justice. Although a small girl died too, that didn't make me cry as much and we may well defer the court case until after hanging has been brought back, just so we can string the horrible genocidal bastards up from the gallows, even Milosevic left the animals alone".

Fortunately for David Cameron the third test starts on Wednesday and the nation will forget about more of his short-comings for a few days.

Jeremy Axeminster

FPWK

"It's not our fault", claim sexy MPs

Fresh light was thrown on decades of sexual misdemeanours, affairs and sleazy antics in Parliament this morning when Labour MP Paul Flynn revealed details of his new book to the Guardian.

 The aforementioned Paul Flynn.
Apologies to anybody who is driven to the point of sexual frenzy by looking at this image.

In his new coffee table tome, "How To Be A Backbencher", Flynn provides advice for colleagues on how to keep it in their pants at work, during office hours, whilst drawing a wage at the public's expense. Seriously, he did, it's on the BBC here.

As it transpires, far from being a gang of self serving, egotistical maniacs no more well equipped for power than they are for nuclear thermodynamics, all Members of Parliament are inherently sexually attractive. If you stood in a room with one for five minutes you would find yourself getting your kit off and allowing yourself to be subjugated into performing whatever depraved act their hearts desired, almost like you'd been hypnotised by the sheer whiff of sexual magnetism emanating from their every pore.

One victim, who wishes not to be named, recounts a meeting with Hazel Blears last summer. "I only went in there to complain about me bins not being collected", complains the 19 year old plumber, "but before I knew it I was paggering her over her contituency table and thumbing her up the wrong'un at the same time. It was like she was lactating sheer animal passion across her desk to me. I don't know what came over me - although I do know what came over her."

Barack Obama himself falls victim
to the aura of David Cameron

This revelation, coupled with the recent story that Conservative MP Louise Mensch got monged off her tits whilst out clubbing with violinist and notorious wreck head Nigel Kennedy in a nightclub (also not made up) suggests that far from being criminally incompetent, MPs are struggling to balance their duties against the fact that they're constantly on the comedown and have to take regular cold showers to avoid rutting each other like angry bears.

Louise Mensch - Not bad, actually

The level of hedonism inside Parliament first came to light during the previous Labour Government, but the issue wasn't addressed as the public failed to understand that Tony Blair's "sexing up" of the Iraq war dossier was in fact literal, rather than metaphorical. Peter Mandelson, Blair's (also literal) right hand man, recalls the tale.



"We were in discussion about whether or not to invade when all the sexy language got the better of us. All that talk about penetration, and bombing, and being liberated made us all quite hot under the collar. Before we knew it, the whole meeting turned into a game of limp biscuit directed at the dossier itself. It was completely illegible by the time we were done, so when it came to a vote, nobody had any access to the facts. We had to go on instinct alone and by that point we were down to primal bloodlust."

Douglas Hogg, the Tory MP who memorably claimed expenses from the public to have his moat cleaned, claims the new findings justify his actions.

"It's essential for me to have a moat to keep the great unwashed out", he protested. "I used to go without but if the womenfolk of the town could run straight up to my front door, they would kick it down in the dead of night, drag me out of my bed and molest me to within an inch of my life. You proles may think it's all down to greed and privilege, but when you're as sexy as we are, you need to protect yourself. You try sitting in a transport planning debate for six hours when your old chap is chafed as raw as botchulism. It's intolerable. And if... oh my God, have you seen what Tessa Jowell is wearing today?"

"I simply must go and have her, I'm already wet at the tip".

Your humble correspondent then had to terminate the interview in order to vomit.

Rob van Riot
FPWK

Andrew Strauss accused of 'Jedi Mind Trick'

The Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) is to appeal to the ICC for Andrew Strauss to be banned for life from cricket, for the illegal use of a 'Jedi Mind Trick' to influence the outcome of a game. The events surrounding yesterday's cluster fuck at Trent Bridge, have lead to claims that Strauss used an 'illegal telepathic transgression' to gain Ian Bell's reinstatement. The England captain went to the Indian dressing room, during the late afternoon Pimms break, to meet with Indian captain M.S. Dhoni. After no more than twenty seconds, Dhoni headed straight to the umpire's drawing room to withdraw their appeal and asked for Bell to be reinstated.

An artist's impression of what Strauss may have
looked like as a Jedi Knight.

It was only when Dhoni was relaxing in his hammock later that evening, that he realised what he had actually done. "I couldn't actually remember going to the umpire, it was as if some mystic force made me do something I wouldn't normally even consider". Upon realising he had been duped by the England Captain, Dhoni went straight to work penning the necessary 23,500 word formal complaint letter, in Latin, to the ICC. When play was resumed, after Lipton tea and cream scones, Andrew Strauss could be heard "literally laughing his cock off" said FPWK audio technician, Flathead, who was working at the test match yesterday.

Bell, WINNING!

All of the drama surrounding "Jedigate" has managed to deflected attention away from Ian Bell, who according to David Gower "dropped a massive bollock". By his own admission, Bell has been hanging around with too many Premiership footballers, including John Terry, and hasn't the words Stop, No or Don't for some time. Bell said "I guess I just became accustomed to having things my own way, and like Big JT always says to me "If you want something badly enough, sleep with your team mates girlfriend", the guy has been a big inspiration to me, but I feel I have to take it a bit easier after getting away with that hum dinger".

Unsure of how to test Andrew Strauss for Jedi powers, the ICC have turned to Derek Acorah for advice. "Well, the tried and tested way to test for Jedi powers, is to use a Geiger counter as Jedis give off high levels of radiation". With the associated health risks of radiation poisoning the work is likely to be carried out by the female catering staff at Lord's, some time before the start of the next test, a week on Thursday.

The not-shy-of-controversy, Geoffrey Boycott, took a break from corporeally punishing his wife to sum up the matter in his own particular style:

Boycott: Honourary Degree in Domestic Discipline

"Fuckin' lucky tosser, In my day, they would have left him to rot in the changing room, but
we did used to wind the Indians up about their weak economy and the colour of their skin, they were simpler times, but at least you know where you stood! I don't really think it's done the spirit of the game much good either, before you know it they will hold it against us... wouldn't it just be typical of a former colony to hold a noble gesture over their former Empirical masters heads and scream injustice, wankers!".



Jeremey Axeminster

FPWK