Harry Potter fans set to grow up

Harry Potter, a children's book, for children. Do you still read Peter and Jane? Didn't think so!

This morning, Harry Potter fans all over the world have started waking up out of their decade long, drivel induced altered mind state. The first signs of this mass wakening happened in and around the World premier in London last night. After the first showing, grown adults were heard crying "OOOH, what am I going to do with my life now?" and "What year is this? What country is Chris Martin the President of?".

Bush after reading Harry Potter

The euphoria caused by the stress of wondering what a fictional character in a children's book will do next, and then the ensuing release of endorphins, brought on by watching a film where you already know what happens, is said to be responsible for the zombie like state of Potter fans. This almost catatonic state inertwined with spurts of  maniacal hysteria, is known as George W. Bush Syndrome, or GWBS, after its first known sufferer, former U.S. President George W. Bush. It was after reading the third book in the series, that Bush sent U.S. troops into Afghanistan to look for a pensioner. Controversial new evidence has also brought into light, a CIA Black Op to assassinate Prince Harry.

Leading experts in the field of GWBS, are hopeful that over the next few months, sufferers will make full recoveries and start acting like humans again. Although, people suffering with extreme cases, such as Katie Price, Lady GaGa and John Terry may take several years of rehabilitation before they can be safely integrated back into the general public. However, with the current lack of long term information on GWBS, there is no evidence to substantiate this theory. There is, however, good news from the author of the books, J. K. Rowling, who has confirmed that there are no plans for any more pissy wizard books. When asked about her reasons for ending the unrelenting cloud of spunk bubbles that is Harry Potter, Rowling said "It's not because I've gone full circle with it, I could easily rinse the public with prequels, It's more that I'm now richer than Bono and I don't have to work any more".

Scientology, Koo Koo, Ping Ping!

Despite this statement, our source inside J. K. Rowling's ring, has told us the Vatican has been in touch, with regards to a possible re-writing of the bible. "Her ability to make fictional characters believable and easily marketable to the weak minded, whilst being able to get them to empty their pockets, is something that the Catholic church is keen to return to, as fear and padeophilia lost their power some years ago now." our source said. Meanwhile, as millions of morons wake up to the cold, harsh light of a world without any new doses of Harry Potter, the vacuum left by the end of the franchise, is set to be exploited by many other religions too. In particular, Scientology is gearing up a new recruiting campaign, with Buck Rogers lubing himself up to recruit vunerable children into their whimsical fairy tale futuristic cult of Aliens and mystical machines. Tom Cruise is also set to star in a new film about Scientology, one a lot less shit than John Travolta's life draining Battlefield Earth.

The last film in the yawn fest, Harry Potter and the Vacant Stare - Part 2, is set to smash records all over the world for people queueing needlessly in shit weather. The current record held by Daniel O'Donnell fans in Blackpool, is expected to be broken as derranged fans in Equatorial New Guinea started queueing 8 days ago, despite the cinema will not actually be built for another 2 years and Tornado season is on the way. The good news is a cure, in tablet form, will be readily available by the point the cinema opens its doors.

FPWK