Andrew Strauss accused of 'Jedi Mind Trick'

The Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) is to appeal to the ICC for Andrew Strauss to be banned for life from cricket, for the illegal use of a 'Jedi Mind Trick' to influence the outcome of a game. The events surrounding yesterday's cluster fuck at Trent Bridge, have lead to claims that Strauss used an 'illegal telepathic transgression' to gain Ian Bell's reinstatement. The England captain went to the Indian dressing room, during the late afternoon Pimms break, to meet with Indian captain M.S. Dhoni. After no more than twenty seconds, Dhoni headed straight to the umpire's drawing room to withdraw their appeal and asked for Bell to be reinstated.

An artist's impression of what Strauss may have
looked like as a Jedi Knight.

It was only when Dhoni was relaxing in his hammock later that evening, that he realised what he had actually done. "I couldn't actually remember going to the umpire, it was as if some mystic force made me do something I wouldn't normally even consider". Upon realising he had been duped by the England Captain, Dhoni went straight to work penning the necessary 23,500 word formal complaint letter, in Latin, to the ICC. When play was resumed, after Lipton tea and cream scones, Andrew Strauss could be heard "literally laughing his cock off" said FPWK audio technician, Flathead, who was working at the test match yesterday.

Bell, WINNING!

All of the drama surrounding "Jedigate" has managed to deflected attention away from Ian Bell, who according to David Gower "dropped a massive bollock". By his own admission, Bell has been hanging around with too many Premiership footballers, including John Terry, and hasn't the words Stop, No or Don't for some time. Bell said "I guess I just became accustomed to having things my own way, and like Big JT always says to me "If you want something badly enough, sleep with your team mates girlfriend", the guy has been a big inspiration to me, but I feel I have to take it a bit easier after getting away with that hum dinger".

Unsure of how to test Andrew Strauss for Jedi powers, the ICC have turned to Derek Acorah for advice. "Well, the tried and tested way to test for Jedi powers, is to use a Geiger counter as Jedis give off high levels of radiation". With the associated health risks of radiation poisoning the work is likely to be carried out by the female catering staff at Lord's, some time before the start of the next test, a week on Thursday.

The not-shy-of-controversy, Geoffrey Boycott, took a break from corporeally punishing his wife to sum up the matter in his own particular style:

Boycott: Honourary Degree in Domestic Discipline

"Fuckin' lucky tosser, In my day, they would have left him to rot in the changing room, but
we did used to wind the Indians up about their weak economy and the colour of their skin, they were simpler times, but at least you know where you stood! I don't really think it's done the spirit of the game much good either, before you know it they will hold it against us... wouldn't it just be typical of a former colony to hold a noble gesture over their former Empirical masters heads and scream injustice, wankers!".



Jeremey Axeminster

FPWK