FPWK's new review section.
Featuring reviews on anything and everything, from our very own celebrity Chief Reviewer:
MEP for Luxembourg's Group of the Progressive Alliance of Socialists and Democrats in the European Parliament,
Robert Goebbles.
Cher Lloyd's "Swagger Jagger"
Release Date: Out Now
PEGI: 18
Genre: Trite, vocoder-driven shit
Price: £0.79 per download, and eternity burning in Hell post mortem
Developer: Simon Cowell
Publisher: Sony
MP3/CD/Minidisc/LP/Cassette Tape/Sheet Music
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| If my mush looked like that, I wouldn't be drawing attention to it |
I must admit I was at first hesitant to review this song from the Hit Parade for FPWK, as during my time on the European Parliament I have grown somewhat out of touch with the common man. However upon being informed of the song's popularity, I felt it would be beneficial to me to "check it out", as the kids might say.
How wrong I was.
I originally heard this song three days ago and since then have been rinsing out my ears with three-parts Domestos in the hope that the sense of violation would go away. I've had no such luck. Upon regaining some of my higher functions this evening, I resorted to voyeurism paradise 'YouTube' to find out what a 'Cher Lloyd' is. My findings are incomplete, although I have ascertained that she is some form of subhuman skank rat from the Midlands. I gather that she is one of the offspring of something called 'the X Factor', and that she is generally viewed as a cheaper and more obtainable version of Cheryl Cole, although one scarcely imagines how that could be possible.
A passing inspection of her abilities has led me to believe that she could only have been employed in the music industry after several extended sessions on the casting couch, and an equally passing inspection of her appearance tells me that she probably enjoyed the experience and would have stayed on the aforementioned couch whether there was a recording contract to be obtained or not. She has the haggard, sunken, mucky appearance of someone who spends three hours on a sunbed followed by an hour in the toilet forcibly throwing up her lunch, and her cynically engineered 'edgy' aesthetics make me feel that I'd need counselling if I even cracked a sly one off over her, let alone touched her.
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| Lloyd, pictured without make-up, touting for business outside her flat |
The song itself sounds like somebody bog-washed an old, scratched LP of 'Oh My Darling Clementine' and added a child's nursery rhyme to the resulting mess. Whilst I consider it beneath me to spend any time extolling the horrors of the tune, the lyrics do merit a partial dissection.
"Swagger Jagger, Swagger Jagger, you should get some of your own":-
Firstly, I must tip my hat to rhyming 'swagger' with 'jagger'. Such lyrical wit makes me harken back to the golden era of folk. This is a particularly ambitious move, as even repeating the word 'swagger' would make more sense than what we've ended up with. As for the proposal that I should acquire some for myself; no thanks.
"Count that money, get ya game on":-
Surely an oblique reference to the casting couch.
"You can't stop clickin' bout me, writin' bout me, tweetin' bout me":-I beg to differ. After I did indeed spend an extended period writing, tweeting and clicking about you, I am now subject to an interim court order which forces me to desist. The order is specific about threats of violence to your person, delivered to your mother's house written in the blood of your pet cat. Indeed, should this blog ever be found by higher powers, I could be taken back into the nick at a moment's notice, such is the outpouring of bile I have directed at you on Twitter. So whereas your song does, I grant you, induce a very communicative reaction, it is hardly of the kind you surely intended.
There are many further gems which I could include as an aside to the above, but they're all of a similar vein and make precious little sense.
In summary, I would not (and cannot, given the intervention of the law) wish to meet Cher Lloyd in person, and would hope that any person of right mind who does have the misfortune to cross her path would do the decent, human thing and put the poor, confused creature out of her misery. I must also state, as a politician, that I do not at all consider it a coincidence that in the week of this song's release, half of the country has been burnt to the ground by angry members of the public.
No stars.
RG (MEP)
Vatican Fantasy XIV
Release Date: TBC
PEGI: 12
Genre: RPG / Indoctrination
Price: £39.99 (or free if you pipe-off your local priest)
Developer: Benedict Games
Publisher: Holy See
PC / PS3 / XBOX 360
Vatican Fantasy XIV (VFXIV) is a Catholicism-themed Role-Playing-Game (RPG) developed by The Holy See, in an attempt to attract young gamers back to the Catholic Church. It is the first foray into the RPG market by Benedict Games, who announced several titles at E3 2011 after all that paedophilia business threatened to somewhat cloud their credability.
The plot of the game sticks quite rigidly to the stories of The Bible, so fans of the book should not be disappointed. There are 2 worlds (known as Testaments) to explore, each carrying it's own main objective. In addition to the main storyline there are also a number of side-quests and mini-games along the usual lines for games of this type: escort The Jews to Babylon, deliver The Sodomites some wrath etc. There are also many, many Levitical Sacrifice missions which in fairness, can get a bit tedious (and not just for the bulls without blemish).
For gamers used to Grand Theft Auto, this could take some getting used to.
Along your journey to 'The Promised Land' (the last level and your final encounter with Richard Dawkins) you will encounter various enemies based on Catholic doctrine: Pharisees, Gays, Women, Fornicators, Blasphemers, Freemasons, Communists and Divorcees all feature heavily, and some of the Boss Battle sequences (particularly the one against Pontius Pilate at the end of the Judea chapter) are very, very impressive to watch.
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| Not actual game image. |
Unlike many games of this genre, VFXIV does not give the player the option to customise the lead character at the start of the game. Players begin as a level one Mage-Jew, and must constantly level-up their Jew, thereby increasing His powers and allowing Him to perform more and more powerful 'miracles'. There is no option to play as a female character because women are unclean.
Throughout the game, the player will acquire various allies (known as disciples) who will fight alongside your Jew and increase His 'plausability points'. Plausability points are used to recruit 'followers' or can be saved-up to be spent on defence against enemies such as 'Academics' or 'Atheists' who often carry the 'Rational Thought' spell which can otherwise cause massive damage to your Jew and His plausabilty.
Levelling-up is done automatically after each battle or exorcism, and points and orbs are awarded quite generously. Blue orbs allow your Jew to cast Water Magic (WM), such as drowning the world and everything in it on a whim. Green orbs increase your Jew's Pestilence Factor (PF), allowing much greater destruction of innocent people's crops. Red orbs are Revelation Smites (RS) which are used to destroy anyone who doesn't agree with you. Finally, Gold orbs are Collection Plates (CP) which can be used to buy vast chunks of the world without paying any taxes.
Visually, the game is excellent, with realistic lepers wandering the maps of both Testaments adding to the sense of hustle and bustle created by the stoning arenas and crucifixion mounts.
If there was to be a downside to VFXIV it would have to be the lack of save points. If your Jew inadvertently 'sins', He will start to lose orbs and Plausability points unless he reaches a 'Repentance Point' and completes the Confession mini-game before the timer runs out. Confession often includes very severe penalties including the Self-Flagellation mini-game, which to be fair could be very alarming to younger gamers.
The soundtrack for VFXIV is very fitting, with most of the score being penned by Bono.
All-in-all a very challenging game that will appeal to most gamers, especially fans of the genre.
8/10
RG (MEP)
