Mancini urges Sheikh Mansour to buy Scapegoat

The Undeniable Stench of Failure Overwhelms Mr. Mancini

Italy's foremost Kevin Keegan impersonator, Roberto Mancini, has urged the Manchester City owner to splash out in the wake of City's bottle smashing. In a desperate attempt to protect his merry gang of mercenary, attention seekers, Mancini directed his scouts to look for someone who was capable of taking the full brunt of the Etihad post Christmas cluster fuck. Having gone through the full contingent of managerial excuses, including "Scarf malfunction", "Unseasonal weather" and FPWK favourite "Below average Internet speeds", Mancini even considered using arch-rival and noted philanthropist, Alex Ferguson's classic "We couldn't see each other because of the grey strip" hum-dinger. 

Barely Visible: Ryan Giggs can be just
made out on the left of the picture

Without any suitable patsies to be found anywhere in the UK, or indeed the rest of the planet, Sheikh Mansour has been forced to shell out a record £1.3 billion to sign God from the struggling Irish non-league side, Repentant Catholics FC. Spokesperson for RCFC, Father Diarmid Feargal Padraigh O'Mulligan-and-O'Hare, said "To be sure, we wanted to keep his omnipotence until the end of the season, but what the Lord giveth with one hand, a bored mega-rich-oil-baron-with-no-interest-in-the-sport-he-has-bought-into taketh away". 

Preparations are now in full flow at Man City's Carrington training ground, where our insider, Owen Hargreaves, has personally seen Mancini manically repeating the phrases "God did that" and "It's God will" in a mirror, trying to find the perfect accompanying South European shrug of  the shoulders. Man City travel to Arsenal on Sunday, coincidentally God's favourite day, knowing that a loss will undoubtably mean that Mancini will use his new signing in the the post-match interview, although this may cast a shadow over the return of the unscrupulous, privateer Carlos Tevez. The Argentinian's personal Shylock, Kia Jaroobachian, will probably find some way of rinsing more money for his scoffer of a client, before he secures a summer move to the home of the rest of the mutants, the X-Men. "Carlos enjoyed being the fall guy for City, he took the role very seriously and gave 113.245%, now that God is here, I don't see a future for Carlos at City. Prof. Xavier has expressed an interest and I think Carlos will see plenty of first team action there".

Clairvoyant: This City fan could see the future

Man City fan, John Millington, famously became famous, for famously crying when Swansea famously turned over City. "Honestly, when it went in, I just knew that was the end of the dream really, I know we have worked hard by just spending and spending, but it was clear from the performance that we just haven't spent enough. I was so upset because I know there is so much more we could spend. Hopefully after spending all that money on God, we can secure some more petulant, knob-scoffing, underachievers during the summer. If we spend all our time spending, we could well be in with a chance of completely ruining football next season".

As this season reaches fever pitch, there may yet be more twists and turns to come. And even if Man City don't manage to win the title this year, they are clear winners in terms of the quality of scoffers they have available to them, with Mario Balotelli sure to raise the bar for all Premiership footballers next season by aiding the North Korean Nuclear Missile project over the summer. Watch out John Terry, Balotelli is after your crown.

Jeremy Axeminster

Murdoch Sticks Poisoned Tuppence Into Massive New Shitstorm

Bespectacled scrotum, Rupert Murdoch, has had the astonishing temerity to call for an independent inquiry into the latest government Cash-For-Access scandal without even noticing the absolutely massive irony, it emerged yesterday.

Murdoch:  Dare you say his name three times?

Mr Murdoch posted his thoughts on the breaking scandal on social networking site, Twitter:

"Of course there must be a full independent inquiry on both sides. In great detail, and with consequences. Trust must be established." 

Seemingly oblivious to the startling hypocrisy of this statement, the hellbound, antipodean necromancer then continued:  "Trust built little by little, and then lost, is almost impossible to recover." 
As journalists around the world pissed themselves laughing and screamed "What the actual fuck?" at the top of their voices, Prime Minister and noted scoffer, David Cameron was in hiding, fearing a relentless revenge campaign from Murdoch as payback for the Leveson inquiry.
A Downing Street spokesman released a statement from Mr Cameron today, in which the PM blubberingly begs Mr Murdoch for his life and implores the dough-faced predator's minions not to harm his pretty face:

"Not the face, Wupert!  Please God!  Not the face!"  He blubbered.

"Young Man, there's a place you can go....."

Further details of Murdoch's masterplan for revenge remain sketchy, but leading political commentators believe this could be the tip of a very large, arse-related iceberg.  FPWK Revenge correspondent, John-Wayne Bobbitt, reckons Cameron could be in for a slow, painful lesson in not fucking around with Rupert Murdoch:

"Usually Rupert will make you watch them work on your missus.  That lasts four to five hours.  Most are numb after that much screaming.  Then there is a short fag break before he brings out the gimp.  It starts at dawn with a force-fed breakfast of dog shit and coal and it can take an agonising twelve hours before the photos of your chafed, reddened and violated posterior make it onto the internet.  But make it there they will."

Public opinion on whether Mr Cameron deserves his inescapable fate was fairly one-sided;  just 4% of those interviewed thought that his arse should be spared, with an alarming 64% vowing to view the images of the Prime Minister's bloodied, distended rectum as soon as they appear online. 

Labour leader, Ed Miliband, whose father of course, was a massive, raving Marxist, called for Murdoch to remain focused:  "This is a despicable liberty by the tories, made worse because Mr Murdoch feels so aggrieved by it, which must mean that it is a very naughty thing indeed.  I stand shoulder to shoulder with Mr Murdoch in demanding the Prime Minister's immediate resignation and submission to anal torture."

Blood Oranges:  A timeless metaphor.

Cameron's whereabouts remain unknown as we go to press here, but a leaked Downing Street memo suggests he has a table booked at The Ivy this evening for dinner with a leading London oncologist to discuss post-rape corrective surgery.  Who will be donating what to who remains unclear. 

This is not the first time a Prime Minister has been of the run for his anal virginity;  It is believed that Margaret Thatcher narrowly escaped a reaming at the hands of Arthur Scargill, and as recently as 2001, Tony Blair found himself with a choice of going to war in Iraq or having a group of US marines run him through in the back of a Bradley tank. 
Although Cameron's ringpiece remains intact tonight, it is surely only a matter of time before it looks like the flag of Japan, as Murdoch closes in on his man, and from there, his arse.

Johnny Plantpot
FPWK

Arseholes Jubilant After 2012 Budget

The Chancellor, George Osborne is to take radical measures to ensure that all rich people from himself to Mario Balotelli will be able to buy more Swarovski crystals, it emerged today.

Osborne with his infernal box of misery.

The perfectly fair and sensible move came as Osborne explained to The Commons in his dual role as Chancellor of The Exchequer and also Satan's Chief Whip, that because rich people are fundamentally more intelligent, cunning and deceiptful than poor people, they should be allowed to decide for themselves how much tax to pay. 

The flagship 5% cut to income tax for top earners effectively means that Premiership footballers earning £150,000 per week will now pay 5% less tax after they have worked for a week.  In real terms, John Terry will be approximately £190,000 per year better off, which is more than enough for a new Bentley or a big, ostentatious watch.

Terry & Lampard watch the Budget speech unfold.

Osborne made the announcement in the 2012 Budget speech today amid cries of "Scoffer!" and "Plantpot!" from everyone in the FPWK office.

John Terry's rise from abject poverty is to be funded the only fair way Osborne could think of:  by taxing the elderly, poor and unfortunate.  In his speech, the Chancellor stated:  "For too long now I have had to pretend to have some sort of vaguely altruistic agenda.  I think it's time I was given credit for that malevolent deception by you, the people.  These here are my true colours:  Bluer than Mrs Thatcher's knickers and twice as unpleasant.  Get in!"

Labour leader, Ed Miliband, whose father was of course, a massive raving Marxist, dutifully attempted to pick holes in Osborne's budget, clearly still under the untenable impression that The Chancellor gave even a semblance of a shit what anyone else thought.

As if to hammer home his point that poor people can fuck off, Osborne also raised duty on cigarettes by almost a full fag - 37p.  Amongst the first to respond to the Budget was FPWK Smoking correspondent, Graham Meehan, who talked to me through a cloud of purple smoke from his cold, damp, ill-furnished bedsit where he smokes almost constantly from the moment he wakes until the moment he goes to bed:

Alaskan Thunder Fuck:  You'll watch next year's Budget, but you won't give a fuck.

"I go through around 6 spliffs a day.  That's ten fags which cost around £3.50.  The weed I put in those biffs costs £20.  I'm never, ever going to stop doing it because I really, really like it and it doesn't do anyone else any harm whatsoever.  If these rich people are really so clever, why don't they just legalise, then tax cannabis?"


As partisan and arsehole-appeasing as this Budget appears to be, there are prominent Tories who believe the Chancellor did not go far enough:  MP for Bourton-On-The-Water, Hugo Flaccidly-Smallcock claims that the 5% tax cut for ridiculously wealthy people should have gone further.  Among his suggestions were a 10% basic tax rate for children with paper rounds, parents to declare and pay tax on weekly pocket money, steep rises in the cost of playing working-class pub games such as pool and darts, a 45% reduction in free speech and a new tax targeting people with learning difficulties.  Mr Flaccidly-Smallcock claims that full implementation of his plan would have meant the Chancellor could have given the rich a 10% cut as well as a pokey bum wank apiece too.

Johnny Plantpot
FPWK

10 reasons why Brian Blessed should be the next England manager

Here are 10 wonderful reasons why Brian Blessed should be the next England Manager.


1. It would appear that most people in England would like the next England Manager to be English. Brian Blessed is probably the most English person in the world, with the obvious exception of Sherlock Holmes. Unfortunately, due to reality issues, Sherlock Holmes is unavailable, however the FA haven't ruled him out.


2. Brian likes to climb mountains, literally! Taking the pissy shower of twats we call a national side to any sort of glory is indeed, a massive mountain. The man nearly made it to the top of Mount Everest without oxygen, this is right up his street.


3. He's motivationalist! Just think of the fervour he could stir up? If anyone is cable of making thinly veiled car thief Wayne Rooney, take enough pride in the England shirt that he is wearing to sing the national anthem, it's Brian.


4. Moral fibre. The man is without reproach when it comes to.. well, everything. I find it unlikely he would be caught out for shagging some paggered blonde TV presenter, paying family pets to avoid taxation and most importantly racism, although he has been known to call a spade a spade.

Johnson during the one game he wasn't utter pony.

5. Sky TV could offer "Pay Per View" options on the half time team talks. "JOHNSON........ What in the name of Damocles' Sword are you doing, IMBECILE!". In reality, we know that Brian would never actually pick Glen Johnson, what with him being shit and everything. Blessed isn't a fool after all.


6. Ian Holloway isn't ready yet. He needs to take Blackpool back to the Premier League and the FA Cup final. End of.


7. He could easily bark orders and tactics from the safety of technical area. His skills in voice projection, from years of theatre work, would stand him in good stead when dishing orders out when things go awry.


8. Harry Redknapp, while being the obvious and popular choice amongst big red plastic vuvuzela wielding Sun readers, doesn't actually give a shit about the England job. You know it, I know it, and can you imagine how painful it would become listening to his son, Jamie "I-always-wanted-be-a-model-anyway!" Redknapp, banging on about how wonderful his Dad is in the pre-match build up? WOWLD CLARSS....

The new slim line Lampard

9. Despite his complete lack of experience in Football Management, how could Brian do any worse of a job than any of the Scoffers that have followed Bobby Robson? He could not be worse than Steve McClaren, could he? No, is the simple answer, if we are going to have another plant pot without a clue, lets just give the big man a go. At least it would be entertaining.


10. If Harry Redknapp becomes the England manager, the perennial porker Frank Lampard will keep getting in the team. There are better midfielders playing in the parks on a Sunday morning. Fat Frank is well past his best days and should have the common decency to tell his Uncle that he is too busy looking through the reduced section at Waitrose to play for England.


Jeremy Axeminster