10 reasons why Brian Blessed should be the next England manager

Here are 10 wonderful reasons why Brian Blessed should be the next England Manager.


1. It would appear that most people in England would like the next England Manager to be English. Brian Blessed is probably the most English person in the world, with the obvious exception of Sherlock Holmes. Unfortunately, due to reality issues, Sherlock Holmes is unavailable, however the FA haven't ruled him out.


2. Brian likes to climb mountains, literally! Taking the pissy shower of twats we call a national side to any sort of glory is indeed, a massive mountain. The man nearly made it to the top of Mount Everest without oxygen, this is right up his street.


3. He's motivationalist! Just think of the fervour he could stir up? If anyone is cable of making thinly veiled car thief Wayne Rooney, take enough pride in the England shirt that he is wearing to sing the national anthem, it's Brian.


4. Moral fibre. The man is without reproach when it comes to.. well, everything. I find it unlikely he would be caught out for shagging some paggered blonde TV presenter, paying family pets to avoid taxation and most importantly racism, although he has been known to call a spade a spade.

Johnson during the one game he wasn't utter pony.

5. Sky TV could offer "Pay Per View" options on the half time team talks. "JOHNSON........ What in the name of Damocles' Sword are you doing, IMBECILE!". In reality, we know that Brian would never actually pick Glen Johnson, what with him being shit and everything. Blessed isn't a fool after all.


6. Ian Holloway isn't ready yet. He needs to take Blackpool back to the Premier League and the FA Cup final. End of.


7. He could easily bark orders and tactics from the safety of technical area. His skills in voice projection, from years of theatre work, would stand him in good stead when dishing orders out when things go awry.


8. Harry Redknapp, while being the obvious and popular choice amongst big red plastic vuvuzela wielding Sun readers, doesn't actually give a shit about the England job. You know it, I know it, and can you imagine how painful it would become listening to his son, Jamie "I-always-wanted-be-a-model-anyway!" Redknapp, banging on about how wonderful his Dad is in the pre-match build up? WOWLD CLARSS....

The new slim line Lampard

9. Despite his complete lack of experience in Football Management, how could Brian do any worse of a job than any of the Scoffers that have followed Bobby Robson? He could not be worse than Steve McClaren, could he? No, is the simple answer, if we are going to have another plant pot without a clue, lets just give the big man a go. At least it would be entertaining.


10. If Harry Redknapp becomes the England manager, the perennial porker Frank Lampard will keep getting in the team. There are better midfielders playing in the parks on a Sunday morning. Fat Frank is well past his best days and should have the common decency to tell his Uncle that he is too busy looking through the reduced section at Waitrose to play for England.


Jeremy Axeminster