Morrissey set to replace Prince Phillip as UK's political uncorrectness spokesperson

Here, Morrissey indicates where he wants the darkies to watch from

Lisping twat, Morrissey, has been officially confirmed as the successor to Prince Phillip as the spokesperson for the working man. Until recently, there had been some debate who would take over from the olive munching, nonagenarian Mountbatten, when he tires of insulting ethnic minorities and upsetting the LGBT community. However, Morrissey's fantastic outburst on Sunday, gave David Cameron no choice but to award the post to him. At a gig in Poland on Sunday night Morrissey said, and this is a direct and actual quote:

'We all live in a murderous world, as the events in Norway have shown with 97 dead,' he said (when the death toll was thought to be higher). 'Though that is nothing compared to what happens in McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Shit every day.'

Mountbatten: Pretty fly for a white guy

The likening of the Norway atrocities to McDonald's and KFC by Morrissey may have sealed the deal for the job, however Prince Phillip is less than happy at the appointment. Morrissey had a pop at the Royal family during the recent Royal wedding calling them "benefit scroungers". Of course, Phillip went off his tits upon hearing this and launched his riposte by putting this statement on his facebook status:

"Bloody Poof!, I should take him out the back and get my grandson to get his butler to give him a damn good thrashing! Anyway, nobody listens to you any more! Keep your bloody shirt on too, you like like a bin bag full of goose meat in aspic!"

To add to this scathing status update, Phillip has also ordered Nigel Kennedy and Gary Rhodes to get rid of their Morrissey based hairdos or face being "hanged by the neck until they die". Kennedy immediately cacked his pants and got a number one all over, whilst Rhodes is currently in the middle of filming his new series Rhodes across Rhodesia and is not expected to return alive. Meanwhile, close friend of the singer and fellow vegetarian and plantpot, Yoko Ono, jumped to his defence with this statement that she gave, whilst dressed as a Polar Bear and buried up to the tits in whipped cream by means of a protest:

"Wooooooo Weeeee ayayayayayayayayyayyeeee KOO KOO PING PING"

As per usual, not a single person on the planet cares what Ono is banging on about since she split the Beatles up. Meanwhile, Morrissey's lawyers have taken out a super injunction, not against any one person, or to stop any single piece of information getting out, more just for "shits and giggles" according to our source, who definitely did not hack any one's phone or email account at London based law firm Sodom, Gomorrah and Heseltine.

In order to delay his retirement from the post and prevent Morrissey from ascending into power, Prince Phillip has been in talks with Ryan Giggs about how to extend his career. Giggs recommended quorn burgers, pilates and smashing the granny out of anything that moves, particularly empty headed Welsh bints as they take up the tea towel holder.

Jeremy Axemister

FPWK

MURDOCH WATCH: IS SWEDEN NEXT?

Brievik's X Ray raised considerable alarm

All eyes were on Scandanavia this evening, as the world wondered what Rupert Murdoch would do next in his endeavours to re-direct attention from the activities of his media empire.

Earlier on Thursday, it appeared that his grand scheme had paid dividends as not a trace of his filth could be found in the morning papers, yet by evening it was a different story as yet another dead girl's name turned up on the files of News International's Private Investigators.

"We should have seen through it, really", said Eric Doritos, Head of Voyeurism at Hello Magazine. "Initially I thought that the horrific events in Norway were just the tragic, desperate acts of a lone twat. But looking at pictures at him, he's the most Aryan man in the world. People just don't become that Aryan by genetics alone. And there's only two men in the world who hate the Jews, the blacks and the poor enough to create some kind of Aryan superman; Hitler and Murdoch. And Hitler's dead. And less right-wing. It's now clear that Anders Behring Breivik was created in a lab at News International, then despatched into the wild to create a news story of some kind."

As unpalatable as that thought may be, his theory was backed up by Richard Dawkins, who shouted the following over his shoulder whilst taking a leak at a service station near Bolton:-

He didn't wash his hands

"If you look at all the evidence, it's clear that Brievik was a robot from the future. Look at the kill count. It would have taken Derrick Bird or Raoul Moat fucking years to chalk up numbers like that. This guy is some kind of Terminator. To build a Terminator you've got to have a whole lot of dollar and the brooding, sinister mind of an evil genius. There's only one name that fits the bill.Well, two names if you consider Bono. But for the purposes of this article, it's Rupert Murdoch."



Independant analysis suggests this event was on the cards for some time. This footage obtain by British police shows two female Terminators captured by the roadside. During questioning, they threw themselves under the wheels of an articulated lorry to escape, only to pick themselves up and run off, leaving police astonished and slightly turned on:- THIS IS NOT NORMAL

One can only speculate as to the current whereabouts of these Terminator girls, but Sweden is on notice that an atrocity may occur. Being an independant website and having legal responsibility, we must point out that nobody's saying that somebody's about to burn Sweden. We're just saying Sweden may get burnt.

Ginger, irritating, but still more tolerable than Rebekah Brooks

All Murdoch's hard work and effort was sadly wasted when it transpired that the mother of murdered child Sarah Payne was also hacked by grief-vultures at NOTW, and the ensuing level of public revulsion has ensured another difficult day of headlines for the octogenarian phone fiddler tomorrow. Just to add bite to the story, like a cherry full of piss on a cake made entirely out of shit, the mobile phone in question was given to her by hellbound fuck-up magnet Rebekah Brooks.

Brooks, who now holds the unique distinction of surpassing Bonnie Langford and Hazel Blears as the most hated ginger witch in the country, allowed the following defiant squeak to spew forth from her wretched lying lips:- "These allegations are abhorrent and particularly upsetting as Sara Payne is a dear friend".

A spokesmen for Ms Brooks later stated that she had no further comment to make; her day having already been emotional enough, with hours spent trawling through weeping messages of condolence on  Amy Winehouse's voicemail.

Rob van Riot

FPWK
 

EU to put all North Western English towns on protected name list

The North West: Angry at Americans

EU Ministers are putting plans together to include all North Western English towns on the protected name list. The move has been designed to stop war mongering Americans naming their children after places in the area, in a vain attempt to connect with their ancestry. Due to America being short on history, second only to Chelsea football club on the World Heritage lack of history list, the parents of new born, white, Anglo-Saxon, protestant (WASP's) children, throw aside the baby name books of yesteryear and simply stick a pin in a map of North West England and name their child after the town it falls in.

The atrocity was first noticed by Frundle Bartch, Professor of Northeness at the University of Oswaldtwistle, in early 2002. After doing several years of research, Bartch concluded that up to 92% of all WASP's under the age of 21, were named after towns in the North West of England.

"It first clouted me round lug 'ole, when I were watching' some generic American sitcom on telly box 'bout a load of gormless buggers that d'nowt but laze around and drink coffee. As credits rolled at th'end o show, I saw all these names... Preston, Lytham, Kirkham and such... I were sat there wi mi cake 'ole oppen, wonderin' what these daft buggers were up t" said Bartch.

After securing funding from the People's Republic of the North West, Bartch completed a six month tour of America interviewing WASP's and his findings were startling. Not only did most of the people named after Northern towns not know where these towns were, but many did not know where England was and some had never even heard of it. One person, named Oldham Skelmersdale Runnynose III, that Bartch interviewed in Aspen said: "ENGLAND.. Hell yeah! I know it, you're that country near Japan we invaded before we single handedly won the World War!"

Arsene Clouseau: Cultured

Upon his return to God's own country, Bartch collated his findings and took them to the EU and they, surprisingly, jumped straight on the band wagon. The openly Xenophobic French were happy to support anything that stopped this travesty dead in its tracks. Spokesman for all of France, Arsene Clouseau, is very keen on the proposed plans, givng this statement:

"Because of ze tweening erv tons across Europe, we feel zat French tons, tweeened weez Norz Wistern Igleesh tons, could be used to nom obese Americans in ze future, and I werd rarzer dreenk Australian whet wern frerm a shoe zan let zis appen!"

To help the unimaginative Americans fill the void left by the protection order, Bartch has suggested that they use some other form of reference for child names. This is perhaps the most contraversial part of the plan, as he has suggested that the burger munching imbeciles use Adolf Hitlers best selling book, Mein Kampf. He reached this suggestion when part of his research showed the Aryan look of most WASP's. Blonde hair and blue eyes were a very prominent feature amongst of most people included in the research, as well as a predisposition for short, beady eyed, right wing politicians and global domination.

The proposed plans would probably have drawn outrage from any other developed country, but as of yet, nobody of any consequence in America has made any sort of response. This is probably related to the fact, that it is the time of year when male WASP's in America like to stuff live baby deers full of blood diamonds and beat them sticks in order to attract mates. If America does not lodge a formal complaint with EU by the end of next week, they will lose the right to appeal and probably start drawing up invasion plans.

Jeremy Axeminster

FPWK

City Set To Give Tevez To Charity

The very talented, very handsome, Carlos Tevez.

Manchester City manager, Roberto Mancini has revealed he is willing to donate wantaway striker, Carlos Tevez to a worthy cause this week, in a desperate bid to avoid another season of slow, painful bewilderment and exasperation at the hands of the Argentinian and his loathsome, usurious advisor, Kia Joorabchian.

The news came as Tevez's proposed £40m move to Corinthians broke down on Wednesday when City realised the Brazilian outfit intended to pay the transfer fee with cocaine. 

Kia Joorabchian:  Behold his wad.

Tevez handed in a transfer request to City in May 2011, and despite several weeks of Joorabchian claiming that a move to Brazil was 'Tevez's dream and mine' it now transpires that predictably, that was all bullshit and it was really about the cash all along.

The proposed move to donate Tevez to charity is of course without precedent in world football.  However, Mancini insists it is in the best interests of the club:  "Obviously, he's a very, very good player.  Our problem is that both he and his parasitic, fuckbag of an advisor have about as much loyalty as a News of The World office temp.  It has become increasingly obvious over the last few months that Tevez and Joorabchian could not give a flying fuck through a rolling doughnut about where their money comes from.  Obviously this has put off potential buyers."

Of course, with Tevez being one of the best players in the world there are only a select few potential buyers in existence.  City value Tevez at £50m, which looks a snip when one considers that Fernando Torres' move to Chelsea was also for £50m and he is, fundamentally, not very good at football. 
Real Madrid, Manchester United, Barcelona, Chelsea and Inter Milan have all point-blank refused to get involved with Joorabchian on any level whatsoever, with Real Madrid president, Florentino Perez referring to the agent as; "Everything that is wrong with football, personified."

Manchester City were looking to raise some cash from the sale of Tevez, who only signed a 5-year deal with City in 2009.  "He's under contract here until summer 2013."  Mancini stated flatly.  "No one is going to buy him - he's more trouble than Joey fucking Barton!  What we've decided to do is give him to Comic Relief and then claim £50m of tax relief.  Everyone's a winner - except the fans."

Lenny Henry or Martin Luther King?  You decide.

Comic Relief spokesman, Lenny Henry, gave the following statement to FPWK Usury Correspondent, Mike Cash:  "Obviously, he's not as good as most black players, but we can overlook that.  It does mean that we'll have to hold a Red Nose Day every Friday to be able to pay him and Joorabchian, but that's only fair isn't it?  We'll have him doing kick-ups in Somalia one week and a guest spot on a Fast Show special the week after."

FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, is said to be 'incandescent with rage' after failing to dream-up an excuse to fuck an English club over.  Many other English clubs are now looking at the possibility of off-loading over-paid, over-rated players to other charities and then claiming tax relief to cover the losses. 
Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish was among the first to welcome the new loop-hole.  He spoke to FPWK Sports Correspondent, Archie McPherson:  "I'm going to have a clear-out.  If I can off-load Kyriagkos, Lucas, Ngog, Johnson, Poulsen and Aquilani to The Spastics Society or whatever they call it these days, claim £200m in tax relief, then I should have enough in the kitty to bag Lionel Messi's left nut."

Johnny Plantpot
FPWK



CAMERON FLEES COUNTRY AS MURDOCH PREPARES TO ACTIVATE DEATH STAR

Murdoch's fully operational battle station

Prime Minister David Cameron was in hiding in darkest Africa last night, having been tipped off about Rupert Murdoch’s intentions to activate his colossal starbase, the ‘Death Star’, and send Britain back to the dark ages in vengeance for ‘Hackgate’.

Murdoch has long been rumoured to have an ‘end of days’ contingency plan should his enemies ever mount a sustained offensive against him, and it now transpires that the ‘dark side’ of the Moon, long considered to be beyond the reaches of human navigation, has been slowly transformed into a deadly weapon by Murdoch’s Empire, capable of turning a man’s head into pie and mash within a nanosecond of exposure. Now, with a Commons enquiry facing him and his business collapsing around him like a former News of the World journalist hounded into a drug overdose, Murdoch is preparing to press the big red button. Quizzed as to why he chose South Africa as a destination, Cameron snarled “South Africa is a brave, courageous nation, with a fine and honourable history of protecting the interests of rich white men from foreign invaders. Don’t tell Mandela I’m here, he’ll have me”. Pressed further as to how he became aware of Murdoch’s evil scheme, he explained “How do you think? I hacked his phone. I didn’t employ Andy Coulson for nothing, you know. Back in the day this is exactly the thing we’d have used a Super Injunction for. Thanks a pissing lot, Ryan Giggs. At least if I’d ploughed Imogen Thomas I’d have gotten something out of all this.”

Rick Stein's waste bin

The Giggs affair was again thrust into the spotlight, as the ongoing investigation into News of the World business practice suggested that Coulson may have ordered the hacking of Imogen’s gash in order to acquire stories.

At home, calls began for Cameron stand down as Prime Minister - his paper thin denials of any prior knowledge of the furore looking even more piss weak and lamentable in light of the arrest of most of his regular cocktail party associates. However the march to remove him from power appears to have stalled due to the lack of anybody with the authority to do it.

Dave Mingethackery, 22, is a Police Constable from Burton on Trent who joined the force three months ago. Now, as senior police officers continue to throw themselves onto the fire like self-flagellating remorse monkeys, he finds himself the third most senior officer in the country.

“I’d love to arrest Cameron,” says Dave, “but I don’t even get proper handcuffs until next week. So I’m a bit fucked in that respect. I can do speeding fines though, so if someone could propel him past me at forty on an inner city road I could pick him up for that”.

Meanwhile, bereft of the ability to blame the latest crisis on immigrants, gays or the poor, the atmosphere at the Daily Mail is on a knife edge.

Paul Dacre, does a mean 'Shirley Bassey'

“WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?”, screamed editor Paul Dacre, at a cleaner. “Suddenly we’ve got the biggest readership of any Sunday paper and I have nothing to put in it! Nobody wants to read about the blacks putting all our farmers out of pocket, or queers causing cancer, everybody’s out baying for the blood of the top brass! I can’t put that sort of shit in my paper! Do you know how awkward that would make my coffee mornings? My polo matches? I have to socialise with these people, have pity! Littlejohn’s literally speechless. He hasn’t uttered a single hateful lie in days. I think he’s traumatised..

Either that or his phone’s been hacked too and they’re about to out him and Barrymore”.

Rob van Riot

FPWK

Met Office Chief In 'McEnroe' Twitter Outburst

God lights up the Irish sea last night with what He calls the 'Festival Buster'

Ridiculously inaccurate charlatans, The Met Office, were at the centre of a media feeding frenzy yesterday, after CEO John Hirst inexplicably launched a foul-mouthed tirade at God Almighty on social-networking website, Twitter.


Hirst is believed to be disconcerted with God's recent weather for the UK and decided to publicly declare his disgust.

Manchester before the proper rain came.

Hirst's 'tweet' is believed to have read:  "@jesushchrist  July?  McFly?  Hello?  Manchester under 4ft of water!  You cannot be serious!  You cannot be fucking serious!"


A Met Office spokesman released the following statement in response to Hirst's outburst:

"July is traditionally a summer month for the UK.  As such, Met Office employees and weather forecasters are contractually bound to smugly predict fine weather, particularly in the South-East.  Sadly, Mr Christ has decided to fly in the face of all that by unleashing a series of downpours of, frankly biblical proportions.  If I lived within 50 miles of a river I'd have built an ark by now.  Whilst we cannot condone Mr Hirst's blasphemous outburst, he was limited to 140 characters and we can certainly see his point.  We will not be seeking his resignation."


Predictably, religious groups were first off the mark with the usual pitchfork bollocks.
Vatican spokesman, The Pope, 84, broke off from an on-line Nazi role-playing game to tweet in response:  "@snakeoilhirsty  Blasphemy is a true sin.  May The Lord smite all sinners (except kiddie fiddlers) #nojohnnies"

Sarah Palin's back garden yesterday.

Of course, none of this ridiculous weather has anything to do with climate change if you believe such respected figures as Jeremy Clarkson, who powers his cars with plutonium and polar bear juice, or Alaskan governor, Sarah Palin, who has consistently pooh-poohed climate change theory despite the fact she can now see Russia from her porch.

Think-Tank, blackiswhite.org released the following statement in defence of climate change deniers:

"Global warming alarmism is a breach of our human rights and Al Gore is a wanker."  Said the statement.  Blackiswhite.org, who also lobby for Holocaust Deniers, Astral Travellers, Roman Catholics and people who can't decide whether homosexuality should be eliminated by stem-cell research or not, continued to state:  "The Environmental Protection Agency are essentially fascists and Kyoto is a load of shit."

Meanwhile, here in North-West England it continued to piss it down, and my fucking roof is leaking again.  Nice one.

Johnny Plantpot
FPWK

Self-Service Checkouts 'Significant Factor' In UK Violent Crime Spike

A Sainsbury's customer leaves an 'unexpected item' in the bagging area yesterday.

Self-Service checkouts in supermarkets have been singled out as the UK's number one cause of violent, blood-curdling rampages, it was revealed this morning. 

Home Office statistics released yesterday show an alarming three hundred percent increase in spontaneous acts of vandalism, threatening behaviour, arson and murder since 2007.
"This sharp increase perfectly coincides with when Wilkinson's and Sainsbury's Local fired all their check-out staff and started asking customers to do that job instead." said FPWK Maiming Correspondent,  Danny Fishcharge.  "To be honest," he continued, "the Rozzers couldn't really give a monkey's toss about road rage or domestic abuse anymore - all their time is being spent retrieving the headless torsos of convenience store managers from burned-out deli counters."

Asda in Bolton yesterday after a customer 'just snapped'.

Supermarkets nationwide, including market leaders Tesco and Asda, have been slowly phasing-in the new self-checkout systems for the last few years, in what is seen by almost everyone as a wilful attempt to add a side-order of psychosis to the already soul-destroying experience of doing the 'big shop'.  "They want your sanity, and they will stop at nothing to get it." says Liam Franklin, spokesman for consumer rights group, bulliedatschool.org.  "It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't such an obviously transparent way for them to make walloping piles of cash at the expense of customers' mental stability and by potting all their front-line staff, who then go on to claim benefits.  I mean, it's not as if the usurious cunts have even dropped their prices is it?" 

The main cause of the checkout-induced psychosis is believed to be the fairly crucial fact that they do not actually work and that most people could not operate them even if they did.  "'Please place the item in the bagging area' is quite a vague instruction."  Insists shopper, Doris, 72.  "I mean, IT IS IN THE FUCKING BAGGING AREA!!  If it asks me again, I'll ram-raid the fucking gaff and torch it!  I shit you not!"  

An unlikely defendant of the self-checkout is X-Factor supremo, Simon Cowell, whose vomit-inducingly-massive personal wealth has spiralled thanks to his pioneering new genre of 'Check-Out Chick' music.  "There is a never-ending supply of them!  These Self-Checkouts have freed up thousands of Check-out girls, none of which can sing, obviously."  Said Cowell, with a beatific, shit-eating grin.  "All I do is tart 'em up a bit, invent a tragic life story, usually involving some sort of unspeakable abuse or abandonment in childhood, teach 'em to screech through a few banal pop covers and Robert, as they say, is your Mother's brother." 

Former Sainsbury's checkout assistant, Betty: 'The new Janis Joplin' according to Cowell.

With his systematic destruction of the music industry almost complete, Cowell has revealed plans to spread his culture of materialism and banality into the recruitment business:  "We go live with the first series of  Who Wants To Be A Forensic Pathologist? next year."  Says Cowell.  "It's must-see TV.  A bit like CSI, except with more tits and arse and a lot more crying.  Playing with people's emotions just gives me the horn.  What can I say?"

Tesco declined to comment on the matter, which probably means they were too busy counting their gargantuan piles of cash.  Either that, or a lynch mob has stormed their headquarters and slaughtered everyone therein.  Neither would surprise us.

Johnny Plantpot
FPWK

PETER HOOK: A MANCHESTER STORY

Hook's original flyer campaign received a mixed reception.

Former Joy Division and New Order bass player Peter Hook claims to have found a renewable energy source capable of powering his beloved home City for a generation or more. Embedded deep below the cellar of his club, FAC 251, is the rotating corpse of his former frontman, Ian Curtis.

Sat here in front of me, Peter Hook is a confusing figure. Despite his clearly expensive clothing and high end cologne, he still looks like one of the homeless; almost like someone laminated a tramp. He spoke at length about his life-changing discovery.

“It’s incredible to think that so many years after Ian’s death, he’s still bringing light and heat to the very same people he entertained in his youth”, said Hook. “I’m sure if he wasn’t so dizzy he’d be very proud”.

Hook first realised the potential energy of “Rotisserie Curtis” when he first began to piss on his former mentor’s legacy by forming Monaco in the 1990s. “It was just a twitch at first”, he remembers, “but you could feel it. Every time I visited his gravestone there was a sort of humming noise, and the soil seemed to be churning”. Hook experimented by digging wires into the Earth, attaching Curtis to a generator and then selling the rights to New Order classic ‘Ceremony’ to a major TV advertising campaign for a high street bank. The results astonished him.

The site of Hook's 'Eureka' moment.

“The day that advert went out, he went into overdrive. He was doing a couple of hundred RPM and by the afternoon I was generating enough out of him to power a small fairground”. Never one to miss an opportunity, Hook quickly constructed stalls and rides around his spinning friend’s burial grounds, charging £5 for the privilege of entry. Life was good for Peter, but better was to come.

“I was trying all sorts to maximise Ian’s output, you know, releasing fifty substandard remix albums, singing vocals on Ian’s tracks live, offering free Joy Division albums with McDonald’s Happy Meals, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t get enough juice out of him to power more than my country manor. And I needed more. Then Tony happened.”

Following the death of Factory Records maverick founder and owner, Tony Wilson, in 2007, Peter Hook had a revalation.
“I suddenly remembered that Factory Records had been my idea from the start. As in, all of it. The Hacienda. The bands. The music. All of it was me. I don’t know why it slipped my mind. So to celebrate, I released one hundred shit books, twice as many fuckin’ awful compilation albums, painted every building in Manchester yellow and black whether it had anything to do with Factory Records or not, and started DJing. As in, I stand there and get pissed, and some young lad plays records for me.

Hooky DJing.  Above you can see his Curtis-powered twat vortex.

Oh yeah, and I Hacienda’d up the taxis as well, because nothin’s more punk than a taxi. That’ll learn Thatcher.

Then I protected the name of the Hacienda forevermore by selling the fucking name of the club to Crosby Homes so they can stick it on the side of their shit apartment building and whore the legacy of a famous Northern institution to cockneys who fancy roughing it up North.”

Hook paused for laughter, a disconcerting noise, like air being squeezed out of a child with razors for tonsils.

“Anyway, for some reason, Tony starts spinning in his grave even faster than Ian fuckin’ did! So now I had a turbine engine!”

His rapery of significant cultural icons almost complete, Hook installed Wilson next to Curtis in the cellar of FAC 251, situated on the site of Factory Records’ former offices, and used the duo to power his new nightclub.

“The ampage I can get through these speakers is fuckin’ immense, but sometimes I reckon I can still hear Ian screaming.”, he says. “On a busy night, I might have a couple of hundred girls in here who’ve never even fuckin’ heard of me, Ian, or Tony, but I reckon we’re continuing what we started thirty years ago. I think when the history of Manchester comes to be written, they’ll say that I, Peter Hook, the man who invented Northern music, built the Hacienda again.”

The interview then had to be cut short due to a muffled explosion coming from the bowels of the building.

Rob Riot
FPWK

Tories Push For End To Political Correctness

FPWK don't make campaign posters, but if we did, they'd probably be the best campaign posters in the world.

David Cameron revealed new government plans yesterday to phase in the complete abolition of Political Correctness (PC) by mid 2014.


Cameron kept his cards close to his chest with regards to finer details, but offered assurances to The Commons that the words "Paki, Spacker, Shirt-Lifter, Wop, Kike and Coon...." will all be considered affectionate, if crude, forms of address by 2020.


Baroness Thatcher led the applause for Cameron's plans.  Unsurprisingly, she claimed that the new legislation was not going far enough.  "No!  No!  No!  No!  No!"  said Thatcher, "Calling a spade a spade is merely a matter of freedom of speech.  Making the poor wear dunces hats and bells is where we should really be heading.  David knows this, you can tell if you look directly into his vacuous, shark-like eyes."

Botha:  Knew his Bwanas from his Kaffirs.

The proposed legislation is vehemently opposed by all major parties with the shocking exception of the British National Party (BNP), whose stance on the issue is staggeringly predictable.  BNP Leader, Nick Griffin had this to say: "Tell me why it doesn't make sense?  Think of the ink we'll save on all those benefit forms.  Instead of god-knows-how-many boxes to choose from when ticking your nationality, we'll now have two:  Pure or Impure.  The money we'd save under this scheme should go to fund a statue of PW Botha in Padiham or towards the making of a film adaptation of Mein Kampf, directed by Phill Edwards."


Naturally, women do not escape Cameron's plans, with legislation ending the Female Vote scheduled to be rushed through by the end of the year.  The coalition's bold move also includes banning women from owning acoustic guitars, pianos, Adele records or copies of The Female Eunuch.  Feminists across the country have rallied behind their inevitable spokes"PERSON", Germaine Greer who turned up smelling like shit, in a pair of dungarees to speak to FPWK reporter Edwin Hughes-Hughes-Hughes-Hughes:  "Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh meh."  said Greer,  while pointing at the purportedly 'phallic' Gherkin building in London; "meh-mehmememememehmeh, meh meh." she continued.

Labour leader, Ed Miliband , whose father of course was a massive raving Marxist, has responded to the government's proposals by pouring scorn on previous Tory and Lib Dem policies.  "This isn't bandwagon jumping, or opportunism."  Said the shadow PM, "At the last election, of the 193 Tory MPs elected, just 17 were women, only two black or minority ethnic and two were openly gay.  What a fucking shocker.   If they were truly representative of the country they would have 99 women, 16 black or minority ethnic and ten gay MPs, and as I think we've probably established over the years - that isn't going to happen is it?”

Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual (LGB) charity, Stonewall, realeased the following statement in response to the spiralling debate:

The 'family friendly' Blackpool Pride march.

"We here at Stonewall would love to be able to tell you that this has come as some sort of surprise.  Sadly, that is not the case.  The Conservative party's record on political correctness for LGB people makes about as inspiring a read for us as the story of Sodom and Gomorrah.  Not since Oscar Wilde converted to Catholicism on his deathbed have we been so disappointed.  Fear not though, we'll carry on prancing up and down Blackpool Promenade once a year, covered in sequins, to the deafening 'boom-cha, boom-cha' of our beloved gaudy music while supping Bacardi Breezers - what's not to like?"

Johnny Plantpot
FPWK

Sun On Sunday To Implement Full Harvard Referencing System

The Sun On Sunday's natty new logo

The chairman of The Press Complaints Comission (PCC), Baroness Buscombe, is set to impose drastic new regulations on several British newspapers in an attempt to revive public trust after the News Of The World hacking scandal.

Mystic Meg or Anne Nolan?  You decide.

All News International’s printed publications are to be forced to use the full Harvard referencing method including a contents page, detailed appendices suggesting more detailed reading and a complete bibliography.  “This is a bold move by the PCC.” said Buscombe.  “NOTW writers have more ears than morals.  We feel that by introducing this legislation we are effectively forcing News International to stop taking the piss.  More to the point, it should be a right giggle to see who or what Mystic Meg regards as a reliable source!”

News International has revealed that their new Sunday comic The Sun On Sunday will be the first British newspaper to voluntarily feature the academically standard Harvard referencing system.

The lovely Rebekah Brooks

Rebekah Brooks, *12, CEO of disgraced Sunday tabloid The News Of The World made the announcement at a press conference on Saturday morning, where she also insisted that The Sun On Sunday was nothing to do with her whatsoever and resented the implication that it was.

The front page of this Sunday’s pilot issue of The Sun On Sunday is set to feature an article on Cheryl Cole’s new handbag and shoe combination, complete with quotes and paraphrases from Louis Vuitton, a scathing condemnation from Manolo Blahnik and suggestions for further reading which include Sarah Jessica Parker’s new book; Shallower Than A Summer Puddle.

Critics of the new legislation include Daily Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn whose paper is not affected by the move.  “It’s political correctness gone mad!” claims Littlejohn, “The PCC should concentrate on what they are paid to do and get rid of all these bloody immigrants!  If I am to be forced to reveal the sources behind my columns then why not just bring back slavery, capital punishment and the birch for poofters?”  Baroness Buscome responded to Littlejohn’s comments by releasing the following statement:  “Neither I, nor anyone else at the PCC has any desire to impose this legislation on The Daily Mail as it is obvious, even to a drooling vegetable, that it is largely a work of fiction.  As such, asking them to publish their sources would be about as sensible as asking the same of J.R.R. Tolkien.  That said, Richard Littlejohn would do well to remember exactly who the fucking Daddy is here.  I could have him nailed as a sex-case quicker than he could say ‘Enoch was right’.”

Torres:  Depreciating faster than bright pink Ford Mondeo

Even News International’s sports writers will not escape the sanctions, with many people predicting a complete breakdown of the world football transfer market due to a lack of shit-stirring by Monday week.  "Clearly footballers are not worth the money being paid for them." Said FPWK sports correspondent John Thomas, "If you can explain to me why Fernando Torres is worth more money than a medium-sized hospital wing then you're a better man than I am."

Scouser-baiting, Sun stalwart, Kelvin MacKenzie led the protests against PCC intereference with sports journalism claiming that "...this could lead to another Hillsborough!  Football fans don't want the truth.  They want sensationalism and hyperbole and, crucially,  let's face it, who didn't have a chuckle when I told the world I'd seen Stan Boardman piss on a paramedic?"

* Rebekah's IQ

FPWK
This article is the first article by new contributor, Johnny Plantpot.

Beady Eye set to tour Iran

Beady Eye, possibly the worst name for a band since the Hitler youths failed boy band, Final Solution

Two years after whining Mancunians, Oasis, decided to turn it in, Liam Gallagher's new band, Beady Eye, are about to embark on a 6 month tour of Iran. Hailed as the most daring tour by any mediocre, spin off band ever, the "More Dollar Than The Ayatollah" tour will consist of more than 20 gigs, Koran signings, an appearance on Radio Tehran's live lounge, fighting with locals, a gig in a mosque and a monkey type posturing competition with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Here, Gallagher practices sign language for ordering drinks

Despite being completely ignorant of other peoples faiths, beliefs and religions, the half witted front man is keen on soaking up the local culture. "E'Yar Knob'ed, me and the lads are gonna tear the Middle East a new arsehole, we've been googlin' 'Tehran nightlife' and we have found some boshty pubs and strip clubs where we can have the after parties".

Iranian chief cleric, and former roadie for The Charlatans, Ahmad Khatami has denounced the tour, saying that tour clashes with the height of the stoning season and may lead to empty stadiums for the national sport of Iran. "It is disrespectful of Beady Eye to interrupt the stonings, there are women that need a big crowd to get themselves in the proper frame of mind for the match."

This is also adds to the recent decline in Iranian women taking up the sport. A loophole exploiting a backdoor for Kurdish people, homosexuals and political prisoners to become professionals in the sport, has put off many Iranian women from a position they once had reserved solely for themselves. Sepinood Gashinered, spokesperson for the Iranian Women's Stoning Association, gave this statement about the matter:

"For centuries, the women of Iran enjoyed the privilege of being the sole participants in the stonings, but due to this loophole it is becoming increasingly more difficult for women to get into the sport. Once upon a time, all a good woman had to do to get into a match, was have a period within a mile of a man, nowadays, it is much harder. I have heard of extreme cases of women speaking in public and even baring their wrists on a Friday, just to break into the stoning scene. Now, I'm not trying to say that ethnic minorities and other such people are entitled to a good death, but maybe we should have separate leagues, for separate people?"

Sepp Blatter has strongly opposed this move in the sport, along with 'stone-line' technology, stating it would be hard to implement across the world game and could lead to unneccessary injuries amongst its participants.

Meanwhile, Noel Gallagher has stayed in his home studio preparing for his first solo album release. A source inside Noel's Monobrow studio, has revealed that Noel has been busy rearranging the six different chords that he knows, into as many different permeatations as possible. "He is sick of people moaning about all the Oasis songs being rip offs of the Beatles, or T-rex, or David Bowie, or Neil Young, so he's enlisted the help of songwriting genius Daniel Bedingfield, to help him get a new fresh sound". Noels first album "Frantic Frapping Water" is set for release on the 2nd of Julember.

News just in: Radioahmadinejehead, Iran's number one tribute band are to support Beady Eye on their tour of Iran.

FPWK

Harry Potter fans set to grow up

Harry Potter, a children's book, for children. Do you still read Peter and Jane? Didn't think so!

This morning, Harry Potter fans all over the world have started waking up out of their decade long, drivel induced altered mind state. The first signs of this mass wakening happened in and around the World premier in London last night. After the first showing, grown adults were heard crying "OOOH, what am I going to do with my life now?" and "What year is this? What country is Chris Martin the President of?".

Bush after reading Harry Potter

The euphoria caused by the stress of wondering what a fictional character in a children's book will do next, and then the ensuing release of endorphins, brought on by watching a film where you already know what happens, is said to be responsible for the zombie like state of Potter fans. This almost catatonic state inertwined with spurts of  maniacal hysteria, is known as George W. Bush Syndrome, or GWBS, after its first known sufferer, former U.S. President George W. Bush. It was after reading the third book in the series, that Bush sent U.S. troops into Afghanistan to look for a pensioner. Controversial new evidence has also brought into light, a CIA Black Op to assassinate Prince Harry.

Leading experts in the field of GWBS, are hopeful that over the next few months, sufferers will make full recoveries and start acting like humans again. Although, people suffering with extreme cases, such as Katie Price, Lady GaGa and John Terry may take several years of rehabilitation before they can be safely integrated back into the general public. However, with the current lack of long term information on GWBS, there is no evidence to substantiate this theory. There is, however, good news from the author of the books, J. K. Rowling, who has confirmed that there are no plans for any more pissy wizard books. When asked about her reasons for ending the unrelenting cloud of spunk bubbles that is Harry Potter, Rowling said "It's not because I've gone full circle with it, I could easily rinse the public with prequels, It's more that I'm now richer than Bono and I don't have to work any more".

Scientology, Koo Koo, Ping Ping!

Despite this statement, our source inside J. K. Rowling's ring, has told us the Vatican has been in touch, with regards to a possible re-writing of the bible. "Her ability to make fictional characters believable and easily marketable to the weak minded, whilst being able to get them to empty their pockets, is something that the Catholic church is keen to return to, as fear and padeophilia lost their power some years ago now." our source said. Meanwhile, as millions of morons wake up to the cold, harsh light of a world without any new doses of Harry Potter, the vacuum left by the end of the franchise, is set to be exploited by many other religions too. In particular, Scientology is gearing up a new recruiting campaign, with Buck Rogers lubing himself up to recruit vunerable children into their whimsical fairy tale futuristic cult of Aliens and mystical machines. Tom Cruise is also set to star in a new film about Scientology, one a lot less shit than John Travolta's life draining Battlefield Earth.

The last film in the yawn fest, Harry Potter and the Vacant Stare - Part 2, is set to smash records all over the world for people queueing needlessly in shit weather. The current record held by Daniel O'Donnell fans in Blackpool, is expected to be broken as derranged fans in Equatorial New Guinea started queueing 8 days ago, despite the cinema will not actually be built for another 2 years and Tornado season is on the way. The good news is a cure, in tablet form, will be readily available by the point the cinema opens its doors.

FPWK

Facebook take on Tesco

Oooh, Whatever will they think of next?

Earlier this week, giant time wasters Facebook, announced plans to incorporate Skype video chat into their social networking website. This has angered mega-conglomerate-multi-faceted-world-eaters Tesco, who have expressed outrage at the link up, stating "How are the small and independent mega-conglomerate-multi-faceted-world-eaters supposed to break into the social networking game, when that spotty faced kid has built an empire so large that you barely walk the streets without seeing one of his domains?"

Megatron, the acceptable face of Tescobook

Somewhat peeved at this move, Tesco have gone to drastic measures to try and lure teenagers away from Facebook and over to their own social networking site, Tescobook. They have introduced offers such as giving 13-15 year old subscribers free petrol for their cars. "Whilst we know that a small minorty of 13-15 year olds don't own cars, motor vehicles are readily available from our Tesco Cars for Kids centres and our online facilities" says Megatron, spokesperson for Tescobook.

The growth in social networking over the last 5 years, has also been linked to the global economic downturn. In what Prof. Brian Cox has called "e-skiving", research has shown that almost 67% of all people that work within a three furlong radius of a computer, spend their entire working day telling people how boring their job is, uploading photos of their genitalia and creating events that no one goes to. This has meant that productivity has been greatly reduced and lead to apathy towards working for a living amongst recent post graduates.

A chart showing stuff

Prof. Cox has gone on to theorize that if the trend is not bucked, a cataclysmic flash mob may be unwittingly formed, when everyone in the world joins the queue to buy the iPhone 5. Coxy has been asked to come with a possible way to stop the end of the world via flash mob and come up with a rather unconventional method. "I recommend that a fight to the death between Facebook and Tesco be arranged. The winner is allowed to keep their nails dug into the masses, whilst the other closes down all services." 


Tesco have said that Megatron is well up for a scuffle, whilst Facebook are still trying to recruit the services of Optimus Prime, who is still the target of Manchester City as a possible replacement for Carlos 'Lion Bar' Tevez. The iPhone 5 is scheduled for release around the same time as the start if the football season, so Facebook may have to settle for an unconvincing plan b, David Haye. A spokesperson for the former boxing champ said "We are currently on standby, waiting for the nod, in the meantime David is working really hard with Andy Murray at coming up with another vapid excuse for underachieving"

FPWK

NEWS OF THE WORLD WASTES THOUSANDS ON BUGGING DEAD GIRLS

Basically, up shit street

Senior police officers and communications experts were left scratching their heads this morning after further allegations surrounding the NOTW phone hacking scandal came to light.

In additional to allegedly hacking the phone of murdered teen Milly Dowler, the parents of Holly Chapman and Jessica Wells have also now been contacted by police in connection to the inquiry.

“It’s utterly incomprehensible”, said one senior Scotland Yard mole. “What could they possibly hope to find on the mobile phones of murdered children? A detailed confession from the killer? Upskirt photos? Racist jokes? What would they have done with the information anyway? ‘MILLY SPOKE TO FRIEND ABOUT LATEST WESTLIFE HIT HOURS BEFORE SLAYING’ is hardly headline news, is it?’

His voice disguised by helium and forty Marlboro Reds to protect his identity, the police mole went on to say “besides, we had all the phones anyway. There was nothing useful on them. All the photos are safely stored in our archive, and the texts were exactly what you might expect in the situation. About sixty ‘where are you?’ messages, some teary calls on the answerphone and one perv who’d texted ‘What are you wearing?’ I don’t imagine ‘Nothing except a good few weeks’ mould and a light dusting of soil’ would have done much to whet his appetite, do you?”


Andy Coulson, JEB END

Defensive reporters at the News of the World were quick to defend their colleagues, even though none of them wished to go on record in connection with this report.

“You have to think about what these phone hackers have been through”, said one. “Years and years of studying and examinations in high tech communications and hacking, mostly spent alone, in a shed, furiously masturbating the whole time. And then at the end of it all they’re employed to plow through the personal communications of vacuous D-List celebrities and Premiership footballers in seach of tawdry gossip. There are only so many times you can intercept a photo of Ashley Cole’s bell end before you go completely over the edge. And frankly the sort of needy, whoreish filth that Sienna Miller broadcasts to all and sundry at 3am on a Saturday has to be seen to be believed.”

Reports that Rupert Murdoch, owner of NOTW and Lord of the Undead, had personally ordered the hackings in order to saturate his need for the soft flesh of the recently deceased could not be confirmed, but tellingly were also not denied.

FPWK

(This article is by new contributor, Rob)

The first show from FPWK Talk Shit Radio

Here is the first show from the FPWK Talk Shit Radio team. We are planing to do one every week if we can. Hopefully, we can keep it up, interesting and funny!

http://soundcloud.com/fpwk-talk-shit-radio/fpwk-week-1

FPWK

FWPK Talk Shit Radio

Coming soon to this blog..

FPWK Talk Shit Radio.. "Where the only thing worth listening to, is the music" 

A satirical radio show, covering everything and anything that we find fit to talk shit about...

FPWK

Reagan statue causes havoc in London city centre.

 Reagan statue causes terror alert


The cause of all evil





Today's unveiling of the statue of former President of the United States, Ronald Reagan, in London has caused widespread panic in the city. Every branch of death peddlers McDonald's has been swarmed by hoards of Japanese tourists trying to have their picture taken with the new statue. The streets of Soho, Walford and Sun Hill have been described by locals as "a right, royal cockney barrel of monkeys" as swathes of camera wielding Samurai stampeded the narrow cobbled streets in search of the figurine.

As a direct result of the high influx of people from the north of Japan, the radiation levels in London have risen to well above the safe level mapped out by the Geiger counter app on Boris Johnson's iPad. This in turn, has lead to a raising of the terrorist alert state, as fears of the Cornish Liberation Army launching some kind of massive dirty Japanese bomb, utilising a large number of radioactive Japanese people placed inside a huge Cornish pasty have risen considerably.

The real statue of Ronald Reagan

David Cameron gave this answer when questioned about the matter: "Eh, you what fam? This is well pale.. I totally wanted a Big Mac meal for lunch innit!". Unsure of what this actually means, the Metropolitan Police have been issued with Nerf batons, in order to avoid the unnecessary deaths of innocent foreigners on the underground system. The fears that this could cause long delays during the busy summer period, and that it would, perhaps, put people off from travelling to London for the Olympics next summer due to its poor public transportation system, is said to have Lord Coe shaking like a shitting dog.

Speaking from her home in Cuckoo Land, Baroness Thatcher has said: "It's a shame that this has ruined, what should have been a special day for my dear, old friend Ronnie. He was the bestest player of noughts and crosses I ever met".  Toady's events surrounding the unveiling, have raised serious questions about the security risk posed by small children fleeing, en masse, from the Michael Jackson statue at Fulham's football ground, Craven Cottage. Mohammed Al Fayed was unavailable for comment as his car was driving through a Parisian underpass when we tried to ring him.

FPWK