FTSE 100 Index exposed as massive load of bollocks!

Gwillym (left) and Seb (right), Twats that laugh at your misery

The FTSE 100 Index has been dealt another massive blow today, when a 7 year old girl asked Prime Minister David Cameron "Why do all those numbers and letters mean that my Daddy has no money to buy me a pony?".  The little girl in question, Chardonnay Mbengwi-Cooper, sprung the question on the PM at the official closing ceremony of the last library in England.

At first, Cameron was unsure of what the question meant, but when his advisor advised him with advice that the numbers in question were the FTSE 100, Cameron suddenly looked like a dog that had been shown a card trick. Unable to give a direct answer to the weeping child, Cameron went in search of someone who might know. Fortunately, the PM has Alan Sugar on BBM and sent him this message, which an unnamed source, may or may not have hacked for FPWK:

Cunting big thunbs

"Yo! $ugababez! wa'gwannin? sum lil' rasclaat ho jus str8t up dissed me in front of mi' breddrin? bitch waz poppin shit abt sum FTSE 100 index or sum shit? u no what she spittin venom abt? on the + side, her mum woz well phat and she added me on facebook innit :)"

To which Lord Sugar replied:

What rich people wear when going for a shit

"Aiiight D-Cam! pure time since we talked fam! basically bitch was talkin bout dis FTSE shiz, its bscally a steamin pile of pussy claat numbrz n lettrz us rich bwoyz use to confuz ppl without ne cash into thinkin dat the world will end if us clevva ppl dnt sort stufs out for dem and ting. man, i tellz u, i pure lined ma pockits wiv dis shit! bscally its a cross btwn countdown nd sudoku bt dnt tell neone! lolz"

When the FPWK team got hold of these texts, we immediately contacted Ms. Mbengwi-Cooper to tell her the truth. Upon hearing the truth about why she can't have a pony, the 7 year old spotaneously combusted and set fire to the house killing two guinea pigs named salt and pepper that were trapped inside. The RSPCC has been contacted and are looking into the possibility of criminal charges relating to the death of the animals. Chastity Frigidpants, spokesperson for the RSPCC gave this statement:

"After the tragic death of these two poor, innocent, sweet, furry, little animals, it is imperative that we bring the people responsible to justice. Although a small girl died too, that didn't make me cry as much and we may well defer the court case until after hanging has been brought back, just so we can string the horrible genocidal bastards up from the gallows, even Milosevic left the animals alone".

Fortunately for David Cameron the third test starts on Wednesday and the nation will forget about more of his short-comings for a few days.

Jeremy Axeminster

FPWK