Blackburn Express Interest In Del Monte

Kean:  High Rate DLA.

Premiership strugglers, Blackburn Rovers are set to table a record breaking bid to lure Delmontean international striker, Themanfrom Del Monte, to Ewood Park.

Topman:  Del Monte's pension.

Manager, Steve Kean, who is paid £20,000 per week on top of his disability benefits released the following statement:

"Anuradha Desai has told me to buy a striker.  Riquelme said 'no', Ronaldinho said 'no', Raul said 'no'.  Undeterred, I continued my scouting, and discovered that Themanfrom was available, and likely to say 'yes'."

A bid of at least £25m is likely to be needed to tempt Delmontean outfit, Umbongo, to part with their talisman, whose signature of course, comes with his image rights for every Top Man, River Island and Next in the world.


Del Monte would be the first Delmontean international to play in the Premiership and many experts feel like there may be a reason for that.  Blackpool manager, Ian Holloway, was quick to urge caution:  "I'll admit it - I looked at bringing Del Monte in.  Then I discovered that he was on £100,000 a week!  Oh, and he can't play football.  All the Delmontean grasslands are filled with landmines."

While Blackburn do still have one or two players who can play football, most fans believe that Steve Kean, under the controlling strings of Venky's ownership are seeking to off-load the remaining competent players to rival clubs and replace them with mercenary fuckwits, who are nearly of pensionable age.  Del Monte, who made his debut in the 80's, would take the Rovers squad's average age to 43.4, and into second place behind Chelsea.  Blackburn fan, Frank Wrigley, 60, reckons it's a lost cause for his side:  "Jack Walker is spinning in his grave!  You could power half of Feniscowles if you wired him up.  God rest his soul.  Sack the board."

This is how Venkys see all this panning out.

Most high street bookmakers have already stopped taking bets on Blackburn being relegated, after a suspicious betting pattern in the Padiham area alerted managers.  "It's a bit of a no-brainer."  Said William Hill spokeswoman, Robyn Swines, "When you start getting four-figure wagers on something, from the most impoverished and deprived place on the planet, it's pretty certain there's some jiggery-pokery somewhere.  It's a bit like if Somalia bid to host the Olympics."  

One can only speculate as to the nature of this 'dead-cert';  Perhaps the Venkys are a syndicate from Burnley?  Perhaps David Dunn owes money to a lard manufacturer?  Perhaps the whole thing is just one huge, macabre experiment being played out by a bunch of people who have about as much business being in control of a football club as they do being in control of the Finnish national butt-plug gargling contest?  Who knows, but with two losses out of two, Rovers are rock bottom and show no signs of revival. 

Here's hoping even Themanfrom Del Monte doesn't say no.


Johnny Plantpot

FPWK