Murdoch Sticks Poisoned Tuppence Into Massive New Shitstorm

Bespectacled scrotum, Rupert Murdoch, has had the astonishing temerity to call for an independent inquiry into the latest government Cash-For-Access scandal without even noticing the absolutely massive irony, it emerged yesterday.

Murdoch:  Dare you say his name three times?

Mr Murdoch posted his thoughts on the breaking scandal on social networking site, Twitter:

"Of course there must be a full independent inquiry on both sides. In great detail, and with consequences. Trust must be established." 

Seemingly oblivious to the startling hypocrisy of this statement, the hellbound, antipodean necromancer then continued:  "Trust built little by little, and then lost, is almost impossible to recover." 
As journalists around the world pissed themselves laughing and screamed "What the actual fuck?" at the top of their voices, Prime Minister and noted scoffer, David Cameron was in hiding, fearing a relentless revenge campaign from Murdoch as payback for the Leveson inquiry.
A Downing Street spokesman released a statement from Mr Cameron today, in which the PM blubberingly begs Mr Murdoch for his life and implores the dough-faced predator's minions not to harm his pretty face:

"Not the face, Wupert!  Please God!  Not the face!"  He blubbered.

"Young Man, there's a place you can go....."

Further details of Murdoch's masterplan for revenge remain sketchy, but leading political commentators believe this could be the tip of a very large, arse-related iceberg.  FPWK Revenge correspondent, John-Wayne Bobbitt, reckons Cameron could be in for a slow, painful lesson in not fucking around with Rupert Murdoch:

"Usually Rupert will make you watch them work on your missus.  That lasts four to five hours.  Most are numb after that much screaming.  Then there is a short fag break before he brings out the gimp.  It starts at dawn with a force-fed breakfast of dog shit and coal and it can take an agonising twelve hours before the photos of your chafed, reddened and violated posterior make it onto the internet.  But make it there they will."

Public opinion on whether Mr Cameron deserves his inescapable fate was fairly one-sided;  just 4% of those interviewed thought that his arse should be spared, with an alarming 64% vowing to view the images of the Prime Minister's bloodied, distended rectum as soon as they appear online. 

Labour leader, Ed Miliband, whose father of course, was a massive, raving Marxist, called for Murdoch to remain focused:  "This is a despicable liberty by the tories, made worse because Mr Murdoch feels so aggrieved by it, which must mean that it is a very naughty thing indeed.  I stand shoulder to shoulder with Mr Murdoch in demanding the Prime Minister's immediate resignation and submission to anal torture."

Blood Oranges:  A timeless metaphor.

Cameron's whereabouts remain unknown as we go to press here, but a leaked Downing Street memo suggests he has a table booked at The Ivy this evening for dinner with a leading London oncologist to discuss post-rape corrective surgery.  Who will be donating what to who remains unclear. 

This is not the first time a Prime Minister has been of the run for his anal virginity;  It is believed that Margaret Thatcher narrowly escaped a reaming at the hands of Arthur Scargill, and as recently as 2001, Tony Blair found himself with a choice of going to war in Iraq or having a group of US marines run him through in the back of a Bradley tank. 
Although Cameron's ringpiece remains intact tonight, it is surely only a matter of time before it looks like the flag of Japan, as Murdoch closes in on his man, and from there, his arse.

Johnny Plantpot
FPWK