Murdoch Sticks Poisoned Tuppence Into Massive New Shitstorm

Bespectacled scrotum, Rupert Murdoch, has had the astonishing temerity to call for an independent inquiry into the latest government Cash-For-Access scandal without even noticing the absolutely massive irony, it emerged yesterday.

Murdoch:  Dare you say his name three times?

Mr Murdoch posted his thoughts on the breaking scandal on social networking site, Twitter:

"Of course there must be a full independent inquiry on both sides. In great detail, and with consequences. Trust must be established." 

Seemingly oblivious to the startling hypocrisy of this statement, the hellbound, antipodean necromancer then continued:  "Trust built little by little, and then lost, is almost impossible to recover." 
As journalists around the world pissed themselves laughing and screamed "What the actual fuck?" at the top of their voices, Prime Minister and noted scoffer, David Cameron was in hiding, fearing a relentless revenge campaign from Murdoch as payback for the Leveson inquiry.
A Downing Street spokesman released a statement from Mr Cameron today, in which the PM blubberingly begs Mr Murdoch for his life and implores the dough-faced predator's minions not to harm his pretty face:

"Not the face, Wupert!  Please God!  Not the face!"  He blubbered.

"Young Man, there's a place you can go....."

Further details of Murdoch's masterplan for revenge remain sketchy, but leading political commentators believe this could be the tip of a very large, arse-related iceberg.  FPWK Revenge correspondent, John-Wayne Bobbitt, reckons Cameron could be in for a slow, painful lesson in not fucking around with Rupert Murdoch:

"Usually Rupert will make you watch them work on your missus.  That lasts four to five hours.  Most are numb after that much screaming.  Then there is a short fag break before he brings out the gimp.  It starts at dawn with a force-fed breakfast of dog shit and coal and it can take an agonising twelve hours before the photos of your chafed, reddened and violated posterior make it onto the internet.  But make it there they will."

Public opinion on whether Mr Cameron deserves his inescapable fate was fairly one-sided;  just 4% of those interviewed thought that his arse should be spared, with an alarming 64% vowing to view the images of the Prime Minister's bloodied, distended rectum as soon as they appear online. 

Labour leader, Ed Miliband, whose father of course, was a massive, raving Marxist, called for Murdoch to remain focused:  "This is a despicable liberty by the tories, made worse because Mr Murdoch feels so aggrieved by it, which must mean that it is a very naughty thing indeed.  I stand shoulder to shoulder with Mr Murdoch in demanding the Prime Minister's immediate resignation and submission to anal torture."

Blood Oranges:  A timeless metaphor.

Cameron's whereabouts remain unknown as we go to press here, but a leaked Downing Street memo suggests he has a table booked at The Ivy this evening for dinner with a leading London oncologist to discuss post-rape corrective surgery.  Who will be donating what to who remains unclear. 

This is not the first time a Prime Minister has been of the run for his anal virginity;  It is believed that Margaret Thatcher narrowly escaped a reaming at the hands of Arthur Scargill, and as recently as 2001, Tony Blair found himself with a choice of going to war in Iraq or having a group of US marines run him through in the back of a Bradley tank. 
Although Cameron's ringpiece remains intact tonight, it is surely only a matter of time before it looks like the flag of Japan, as Murdoch closes in on his man, and from there, his arse.

Johnny Plantpot
FPWK

Arseholes Jubilant After 2012 Budget

The Chancellor, George Osborne is to take radical measures to ensure that all rich people from himself to Mario Balotelli will be able to buy more Swarovski crystals, it emerged today.

Osborne with his infernal box of misery.

The perfectly fair and sensible move came as Osborne explained to The Commons in his dual role as Chancellor of The Exchequer and also Satan's Chief Whip, that because rich people are fundamentally more intelligent, cunning and deceiptful than poor people, they should be allowed to decide for themselves how much tax to pay. 

The flagship 5% cut to income tax for top earners effectively means that Premiership footballers earning £150,000 per week will now pay 5% less tax after they have worked for a week.  In real terms, John Terry will be approximately £190,000 per year better off, which is more than enough for a new Bentley or a big, ostentatious watch.

Terry & Lampard watch the Budget speech unfold.

Osborne made the announcement in the 2012 Budget speech today amid cries of "Scoffer!" and "Plantpot!" from everyone in the FPWK office.

John Terry's rise from abject poverty is to be funded the only fair way Osborne could think of:  by taxing the elderly, poor and unfortunate.  In his speech, the Chancellor stated:  "For too long now I have had to pretend to have some sort of vaguely altruistic agenda.  I think it's time I was given credit for that malevolent deception by you, the people.  These here are my true colours:  Bluer than Mrs Thatcher's knickers and twice as unpleasant.  Get in!"

Labour leader, Ed Miliband, whose father was of course, a massive raving Marxist, dutifully attempted to pick holes in Osborne's budget, clearly still under the untenable impression that The Chancellor gave even a semblance of a shit what anyone else thought.

As if to hammer home his point that poor people can fuck off, Osborne also raised duty on cigarettes by almost a full fag - 37p.  Amongst the first to respond to the Budget was FPWK Smoking correspondent, Graham Meehan, who talked to me through a cloud of purple smoke from his cold, damp, ill-furnished bedsit where he smokes almost constantly from the moment he wakes until the moment he goes to bed:

Alaskan Thunder Fuck:  You'll watch next year's Budget, but you won't give a fuck.

"I go through around 6 spliffs a day.  That's ten fags which cost around £3.50.  The weed I put in those biffs costs £20.  I'm never, ever going to stop doing it because I really, really like it and it doesn't do anyone else any harm whatsoever.  If these rich people are really so clever, why don't they just legalise, then tax cannabis?"


As partisan and arsehole-appeasing as this Budget appears to be, there are prominent Tories who believe the Chancellor did not go far enough:  MP for Bourton-On-The-Water, Hugo Flaccidly-Smallcock claims that the 5% tax cut for ridiculously wealthy people should have gone further.  Among his suggestions were a 10% basic tax rate for children with paper rounds, parents to declare and pay tax on weekly pocket money, steep rises in the cost of playing working-class pub games such as pool and darts, a 45% reduction in free speech and a new tax targeting people with learning difficulties.  Mr Flaccidly-Smallcock claims that full implementation of his plan would have meant the Chancellor could have given the rich a 10% cut as well as a pokey bum wank apiece too.

Johnny Plantpot
FPWK

Coalition Government Linked to Death, Misery and Stuff

Leading health experts have released shocking evidence, that has conclusively shown that many British citizens have died since the Coalition Government took over control of the country last year. The report entitled 'The ConDems are Killing Us' shows clearly and concisely, that many people have died since David Cameron slimed his way through the back door in to No.10 Downing Street. Dr. Sebastien Baldspot, spokesperson for Medical Based Statistics, the group behind the report gave this statement: 


"Since Nick Clegg sold us all down the river last year, the health and well being of the nation has suffered badly. People all over the country have continued to die at an alarming rate of knots. Drinking is on the rise, despite the price of a pint of beer in most pubs approaching £20 and most people just cant afford that, never mind the taxi fare home. Many people have taken to drinking varnish at home and playing conkers with their highly lacquered shit balls until they slowly die of being "sick as fuck"". 

Clegg shows what happens when you fall
asleep at No.10

There are so many cases of this around the country it has been given an official medical name and everything. At first it was called 'Cameron-is-a-Plantpot Syndrome', then the Prime Minister managed to deflect the pressure on to Nick Clegg, as per usual, when it was re-branded "Nick Clegg: The New Judas Disorder'. However, when further research showed that it was both their faults, it was given its current moniker, "ConDems Undeniably Nasty Twats Syndrome" or CUNTS.


In defence of the Government, Nick Clegg tried to save some face by facing the families of people that have died because of CUNTS. Clegg was immediately bowled a googly when faced by an elderly man from Accrington. Willie Eckerslike, 83, put a valid point to Mr Clegg when he stated that his wife died the day that the Condems were formed. "My dear old Cissy was as fit as a fiddle, she had been training hard with Owen Hargreaves, then you lot took over and POW! She dropped down dead whilst making shuttle runs with elastic bands round her knees! This is all your fault, you treacherous, power hungry, Perrier quaffing git!" to which Mr Clegg simply raised his hand and said "My Bad". 


Not wanting to leave the plebs feeling like they had been completely shafted and had the entire nation closed down by draconian spending cuts, Clegg offered to make sure that CUNTS becomes number one on his list of "Things to do, less important than winning at Backgammon". Assured by his vacuous promises, people went back to their lives, despite two more people dying of CUNTS before leaving the Clitheroe Civic Centre where the talks were held.


Meanwhile, the latest batch of strikes to grind the UK to halt, were carried out yesterday by some quite hard done by civil servants. The picket line outside Wycombe High School, Bucks was more like a scene from Schindler's List as impoverished teachers held placards aloft with statements of disgust at how the cut backs have affected their working practices. "Subsidised coffee vending machines are essential to the teaching process" and "Even Stalin gave teachers more than 8 weeks off a year!" were among the many slogans daubed on placards made from the parcel shelves ripped from cars used as barricades outside the school. 

Frostrop-Harelip standing solemnly in front of some doors

Marion Frostrop-Harelip, the unofficial leader of the group, bleated out this statement on a megaphone "Moan moan moan, grumble grumble, moan, grumble grumble, moan moan" to a rapturous round of applause from all of the other seven teachers on the picket line. The rest of the group were allegedly on the high street trying to "garner support for the cause" by standing in queues of solidarity and buying items of Christmas unison. 


David Cameron was unavailable for comment as he was busy planning the withdrawal of troops from Iraq and Afghanistan, sacking most of them, selling their equipment on ebay and then using the seven remaining soldiers, both of the working RAF planes and the wreck of the HMS Hood to invade Iran.


Jeremy Axeminster

Chas & Dave Scoop Prestigious Gong

Chas & Dave:  Possibly psychic.

Legendary Rockneys Chas & Dave are to be awarded a prestigious prize for their song 'Snooker Loopy' some 25 years after it's release, it emerged yesterday.

Their 1986 hit, originally thought to be about snooker has now been exposed as containing contemporary Conservative policies regarding immigration and public spending, as well as staggeringly accurate, Nostradamus-esque predictions about Britain's cultural climate.

'Gruppenfuhrer' Ron Atkinson.

The duo will attend a ceremony at Brixton Town Hall on Friday to formally accept 2011's 'The 'Big' Ron Atkinson Urban Inter-Ethno Community Multi-Faithed Sexually-Diverse Affirmative Tolerance Award'.

Previous winners of TBRAUIECMFSDATA include Enoch Powell, Margaret Thatcher, Jim Davidson and notably, BNP leader Nick Griffin, who has won the prize for the last 5 years running.

Prime Minister David Cameron was among the first to congratulate Chas & Dave;  FPWK sources say that he called the duo personally upon hearing the news and is in negotiations to secure the rights to the song for the next Tory election campaign:  "It could have been written for us."  Claims Cameron, "In 2010, we 'potted the reds'.  I now say this to the British people: we have kept our thinly-veiled election manifesto inferences - we have screwed back for the yellows, greens, browns, blues, pinks and blacks.  Although, to take the metaphor to it's natural conclusion;  if I could have concentrated on blacks as much as Ronnie O' Sullivan can, then I think we'd have seen a new 'Masters' champion by now, if you know what I mean."

HMV in Hackney:  Unable to keep up with demand.

This is not the first time a so-called 'zany' pop song has stirred up political debate in this country.   Joe Dolce's 'Shaddap You Face' from 1980 has since been revealed to contain powerful hidden messages designed to deflect public attention away from Margaret Thatcher's draconian austerity measures of the early 80's.  It is also no secret that Geoffrey Howe personally bought 14,000 copies in order to keep Ultravox from the top of the charts.

FPWK song analyst, Robin Honeybadger, claims that the hidden meanings in 'Snooker Loopy' were there to spot all along: "If you substitute the word 'snooker' and replace it with the word 'proper', then this has the makings of an excellent Tory propaganda ditty.
"However, " says Honeybadger, "It's when we start to dissect the verses that the true horror of this song becomes fully apparent.  Cameron's unbridled xenophobia was obvious as early as 1986.  You just can't fucking deny it, and neither, no matter what his political stripe, can 'Terry The Taff'."

Labour leader, Ed Miliband, whose father of course, was a massive raving Marxist, reacted to the news by revealing that Labour are to run a series of X-Factor-style auditions in order to find a composer for their next election campaign song.  Hot favourites include;  Bono, Chris Martin, James Blunt and loads of other dreary, vacuous ball-aches.

Johnny Plantpot

FPWK

FTSE 100 Index exposed as massive load of bollocks!

Gwillym (left) and Seb (right), Twats that laugh at your misery

The FTSE 100 Index has been dealt another massive blow today, when a 7 year old girl asked Prime Minister David Cameron "Why do all those numbers and letters mean that my Daddy has no money to buy me a pony?".  The little girl in question, Chardonnay Mbengwi-Cooper, sprung the question on the PM at the official closing ceremony of the last library in England.

At first, Cameron was unsure of what the question meant, but when his advisor advised him with advice that the numbers in question were the FTSE 100, Cameron suddenly looked like a dog that had been shown a card trick. Unable to give a direct answer to the weeping child, Cameron went in search of someone who might know. Fortunately, the PM has Alan Sugar on BBM and sent him this message, which an unnamed source, may or may not have hacked for FPWK:

Cunting big thunbs

"Yo! $ugababez! wa'gwannin? sum lil' rasclaat ho jus str8t up dissed me in front of mi' breddrin? bitch waz poppin shit abt sum FTSE 100 index or sum shit? u no what she spittin venom abt? on the + side, her mum woz well phat and she added me on facebook innit :)"

To which Lord Sugar replied:

What rich people wear when going for a shit

"Aiiight D-Cam! pure time since we talked fam! basically bitch was talkin bout dis FTSE shiz, its bscally a steamin pile of pussy claat numbrz n lettrz us rich bwoyz use to confuz ppl without ne cash into thinkin dat the world will end if us clevva ppl dnt sort stufs out for dem and ting. man, i tellz u, i pure lined ma pockits wiv dis shit! bscally its a cross btwn countdown nd sudoku bt dnt tell neone! lolz"

When the FPWK team got hold of these texts, we immediately contacted Ms. Mbengwi-Cooper to tell her the truth. Upon hearing the truth about why she can't have a pony, the 7 year old spotaneously combusted and set fire to the house killing two guinea pigs named salt and pepper that were trapped inside. The RSPCC has been contacted and are looking into the possibility of criminal charges relating to the death of the animals. Chastity Frigidpants, spokesperson for the RSPCC gave this statement:

"After the tragic death of these two poor, innocent, sweet, furry, little animals, it is imperative that we bring the people responsible to justice. Although a small girl died too, that didn't make me cry as much and we may well defer the court case until after hanging has been brought back, just so we can string the horrible genocidal bastards up from the gallows, even Milosevic left the animals alone".

Fortunately for David Cameron the third test starts on Wednesday and the nation will forget about more of his short-comings for a few days.

Jeremy Axeminster

FPWK

CAMERON FLEES COUNTRY AS MURDOCH PREPARES TO ACTIVATE DEATH STAR

Murdoch's fully operational battle station

Prime Minister David Cameron was in hiding in darkest Africa last night, having been tipped off about Rupert Murdoch’s intentions to activate his colossal starbase, the ‘Death Star’, and send Britain back to the dark ages in vengeance for ‘Hackgate’.

Murdoch has long been rumoured to have an ‘end of days’ contingency plan should his enemies ever mount a sustained offensive against him, and it now transpires that the ‘dark side’ of the Moon, long considered to be beyond the reaches of human navigation, has been slowly transformed into a deadly weapon by Murdoch’s Empire, capable of turning a man’s head into pie and mash within a nanosecond of exposure. Now, with a Commons enquiry facing him and his business collapsing around him like a former News of the World journalist hounded into a drug overdose, Murdoch is preparing to press the big red button. Quizzed as to why he chose South Africa as a destination, Cameron snarled “South Africa is a brave, courageous nation, with a fine and honourable history of protecting the interests of rich white men from foreign invaders. Don’t tell Mandela I’m here, he’ll have me”. Pressed further as to how he became aware of Murdoch’s evil scheme, he explained “How do you think? I hacked his phone. I didn’t employ Andy Coulson for nothing, you know. Back in the day this is exactly the thing we’d have used a Super Injunction for. Thanks a pissing lot, Ryan Giggs. At least if I’d ploughed Imogen Thomas I’d have gotten something out of all this.”

Rick Stein's waste bin

The Giggs affair was again thrust into the spotlight, as the ongoing investigation into News of the World business practice suggested that Coulson may have ordered the hacking of Imogen’s gash in order to acquire stories.

At home, calls began for Cameron stand down as Prime Minister - his paper thin denials of any prior knowledge of the furore looking even more piss weak and lamentable in light of the arrest of most of his regular cocktail party associates. However the march to remove him from power appears to have stalled due to the lack of anybody with the authority to do it.

Dave Mingethackery, 22, is a Police Constable from Burton on Trent who joined the force three months ago. Now, as senior police officers continue to throw themselves onto the fire like self-flagellating remorse monkeys, he finds himself the third most senior officer in the country.

“I’d love to arrest Cameron,” says Dave, “but I don’t even get proper handcuffs until next week. So I’m a bit fucked in that respect. I can do speeding fines though, so if someone could propel him past me at forty on an inner city road I could pick him up for that”.

Meanwhile, bereft of the ability to blame the latest crisis on immigrants, gays or the poor, the atmosphere at the Daily Mail is on a knife edge.

Paul Dacre, does a mean 'Shirley Bassey'

“WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?”, screamed editor Paul Dacre, at a cleaner. “Suddenly we’ve got the biggest readership of any Sunday paper and I have nothing to put in it! Nobody wants to read about the blacks putting all our farmers out of pocket, or queers causing cancer, everybody’s out baying for the blood of the top brass! I can’t put that sort of shit in my paper! Do you know how awkward that would make my coffee mornings? My polo matches? I have to socialise with these people, have pity! Littlejohn’s literally speechless. He hasn’t uttered a single hateful lie in days. I think he’s traumatised..

Either that or his phone’s been hacked too and they’re about to out him and Barrymore”.

Rob van Riot

FPWK

Tories Push For End To Political Correctness

FPWK don't make campaign posters, but if we did, they'd probably be the best campaign posters in the world.

David Cameron revealed new government plans yesterday to phase in the complete abolition of Political Correctness (PC) by mid 2014.


Cameron kept his cards close to his chest with regards to finer details, but offered assurances to The Commons that the words "Paki, Spacker, Shirt-Lifter, Wop, Kike and Coon...." will all be considered affectionate, if crude, forms of address by 2020.


Baroness Thatcher led the applause for Cameron's plans.  Unsurprisingly, she claimed that the new legislation was not going far enough.  "No!  No!  No!  No!  No!"  said Thatcher, "Calling a spade a spade is merely a matter of freedom of speech.  Making the poor wear dunces hats and bells is where we should really be heading.  David knows this, you can tell if you look directly into his vacuous, shark-like eyes."

Botha:  Knew his Bwanas from his Kaffirs.

The proposed legislation is vehemently opposed by all major parties with the shocking exception of the British National Party (BNP), whose stance on the issue is staggeringly predictable.  BNP Leader, Nick Griffin had this to say: "Tell me why it doesn't make sense?  Think of the ink we'll save on all those benefit forms.  Instead of god-knows-how-many boxes to choose from when ticking your nationality, we'll now have two:  Pure or Impure.  The money we'd save under this scheme should go to fund a statue of PW Botha in Padiham or towards the making of a film adaptation of Mein Kampf, directed by Phill Edwards."


Naturally, women do not escape Cameron's plans, with legislation ending the Female Vote scheduled to be rushed through by the end of the year.  The coalition's bold move also includes banning women from owning acoustic guitars, pianos, Adele records or copies of The Female Eunuch.  Feminists across the country have rallied behind their inevitable spokes"PERSON", Germaine Greer who turned up smelling like shit, in a pair of dungarees to speak to FPWK reporter Edwin Hughes-Hughes-Hughes-Hughes:  "Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh meh."  said Greer,  while pointing at the purportedly 'phallic' Gherkin building in London; "meh-mehmememememehmeh, meh meh." she continued.

Labour leader, Ed Miliband , whose father of course was a massive raving Marxist, has responded to the government's proposals by pouring scorn on previous Tory and Lib Dem policies.  "This isn't bandwagon jumping, or opportunism."  Said the shadow PM, "At the last election, of the 193 Tory MPs elected, just 17 were women, only two black or minority ethnic and two were openly gay.  What a fucking shocker.   If they were truly representative of the country they would have 99 women, 16 black or minority ethnic and ten gay MPs, and as I think we've probably established over the years - that isn't going to happen is it?”

Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual (LGB) charity, Stonewall, realeased the following statement in response to the spiralling debate:

The 'family friendly' Blackpool Pride march.

"We here at Stonewall would love to be able to tell you that this has come as some sort of surprise.  Sadly, that is not the case.  The Conservative party's record on political correctness for LGB people makes about as inspiring a read for us as the story of Sodom and Gomorrah.  Not since Oscar Wilde converted to Catholicism on his deathbed have we been so disappointed.  Fear not though, we'll carry on prancing up and down Blackpool Promenade once a year, covered in sequins, to the deafening 'boom-cha, boom-cha' of our beloved gaudy music while supping Bacardi Breezers - what's not to like?"

Johnny Plantpot
FPWK

Euro... WTF?

I was watching the news this morning and something has just dawned on me....

There was an article on the impending doom and gloom surrounding the shit storm that is the Greek economy. It talked of how if not very careful, Greece could default on their financial bailout agreement, which would have serious reprecussions for the countries also up shit street, namely Ireland and Portugal, but also Spain and possibly even Italy.

If it is at all possible for this cluster fuck to go even more tits up (I'm sure it can if they try hard enough) according to the Sky news report, it could threaten the whole of the Euro currency project and the EU itself. All well and good and I'm sure David Cameron will be mincing around Westminster today, very proud of himself and Auntie Margaret for not getting dragged in even further to the financial bailout and how well Auntie Margaret and Uncle John did for staying out of the dirty foreigners money club.

Anyway, my point is this: I have been on holiday to mainland Europe twice this year, Holland and Spain, Both times I have changed money into Euros in order to purchase reasonably priced alcohol and cigarettes. The first time I changed money, the exchange rate was 1.18, not great, but not that bad when you compare it to how awful the rate was 3 week ago when I went to Barcelona for my birthday... To buy 150 Euros, it cost me £144!!!! WTactualF? A long way short of what it was in February when I went to Amsterdam!



"You get me fam? She was totally well up for links innit!"



So Mr. Cameron, you really need to ask yourself... how bad is the UK economy, when the Euro keeps getting stronger against the £? I'm no financial specialist, but I would say pretty shit! I hope you don't read this blog though, as you actually see that things are getting worse and try to save money by outlawing the NHS and Primary schools, labelling them as Terror threats. But, you know! Whatever makes you popular with the crew down Eggham Job Centre!