MURDOCH WATCH: IS SWEDEN NEXT?

Brievik's X Ray raised considerable alarm

All eyes were on Scandanavia this evening, as the world wondered what Rupert Murdoch would do next in his endeavours to re-direct attention from the activities of his media empire.

Earlier on Thursday, it appeared that his grand scheme had paid dividends as not a trace of his filth could be found in the morning papers, yet by evening it was a different story as yet another dead girl's name turned up on the files of News International's Private Investigators.

"We should have seen through it, really", said Eric Doritos, Head of Voyeurism at Hello Magazine. "Initially I thought that the horrific events in Norway were just the tragic, desperate acts of a lone twat. But looking at pictures at him, he's the most Aryan man in the world. People just don't become that Aryan by genetics alone. And there's only two men in the world who hate the Jews, the blacks and the poor enough to create some kind of Aryan superman; Hitler and Murdoch. And Hitler's dead. And less right-wing. It's now clear that Anders Behring Breivik was created in a lab at News International, then despatched into the wild to create a news story of some kind."

As unpalatable as that thought may be, his theory was backed up by Richard Dawkins, who shouted the following over his shoulder whilst taking a leak at a service station near Bolton:-

He didn't wash his hands

"If you look at all the evidence, it's clear that Brievik was a robot from the future. Look at the kill count. It would have taken Derrick Bird or Raoul Moat fucking years to chalk up numbers like that. This guy is some kind of Terminator. To build a Terminator you've got to have a whole lot of dollar and the brooding, sinister mind of an evil genius. There's only one name that fits the bill.Well, two names if you consider Bono. But for the purposes of this article, it's Rupert Murdoch."



Independant analysis suggests this event was on the cards for some time. This footage obtain by British police shows two female Terminators captured by the roadside. During questioning, they threw themselves under the wheels of an articulated lorry to escape, only to pick themselves up and run off, leaving police astonished and slightly turned on:- THIS IS NOT NORMAL

One can only speculate as to the current whereabouts of these Terminator girls, but Sweden is on notice that an atrocity may occur. Being an independant website and having legal responsibility, we must point out that nobody's saying that somebody's about to burn Sweden. We're just saying Sweden may get burnt.

Ginger, irritating, but still more tolerable than Rebekah Brooks

All Murdoch's hard work and effort was sadly wasted when it transpired that the mother of murdered child Sarah Payne was also hacked by grief-vultures at NOTW, and the ensuing level of public revulsion has ensured another difficult day of headlines for the octogenarian phone fiddler tomorrow. Just to add bite to the story, like a cherry full of piss on a cake made entirely out of shit, the mobile phone in question was given to her by hellbound fuck-up magnet Rebekah Brooks.

Brooks, who now holds the unique distinction of surpassing Bonnie Langford and Hazel Blears as the most hated ginger witch in the country, allowed the following defiant squeak to spew forth from her wretched lying lips:- "These allegations are abhorrent and particularly upsetting as Sara Payne is a dear friend".

A spokesmen for Ms Brooks later stated that she had no further comment to make; her day having already been emotional enough, with hours spent trawling through weeping messages of condolence on  Amy Winehouse's voicemail.

Rob van Riot

FPWK
 

CAMERON FLEES COUNTRY AS MURDOCH PREPARES TO ACTIVATE DEATH STAR

Murdoch's fully operational battle station

Prime Minister David Cameron was in hiding in darkest Africa last night, having been tipped off about Rupert Murdoch’s intentions to activate his colossal starbase, the ‘Death Star’, and send Britain back to the dark ages in vengeance for ‘Hackgate’.

Murdoch has long been rumoured to have an ‘end of days’ contingency plan should his enemies ever mount a sustained offensive against him, and it now transpires that the ‘dark side’ of the Moon, long considered to be beyond the reaches of human navigation, has been slowly transformed into a deadly weapon by Murdoch’s Empire, capable of turning a man’s head into pie and mash within a nanosecond of exposure. Now, with a Commons enquiry facing him and his business collapsing around him like a former News of the World journalist hounded into a drug overdose, Murdoch is preparing to press the big red button. Quizzed as to why he chose South Africa as a destination, Cameron snarled “South Africa is a brave, courageous nation, with a fine and honourable history of protecting the interests of rich white men from foreign invaders. Don’t tell Mandela I’m here, he’ll have me”. Pressed further as to how he became aware of Murdoch’s evil scheme, he explained “How do you think? I hacked his phone. I didn’t employ Andy Coulson for nothing, you know. Back in the day this is exactly the thing we’d have used a Super Injunction for. Thanks a pissing lot, Ryan Giggs. At least if I’d ploughed Imogen Thomas I’d have gotten something out of all this.”

Rick Stein's waste bin

The Giggs affair was again thrust into the spotlight, as the ongoing investigation into News of the World business practice suggested that Coulson may have ordered the hacking of Imogen’s gash in order to acquire stories.

At home, calls began for Cameron stand down as Prime Minister - his paper thin denials of any prior knowledge of the furore looking even more piss weak and lamentable in light of the arrest of most of his regular cocktail party associates. However the march to remove him from power appears to have stalled due to the lack of anybody with the authority to do it.

Dave Mingethackery, 22, is a Police Constable from Burton on Trent who joined the force three months ago. Now, as senior police officers continue to throw themselves onto the fire like self-flagellating remorse monkeys, he finds himself the third most senior officer in the country.

“I’d love to arrest Cameron,” says Dave, “but I don’t even get proper handcuffs until next week. So I’m a bit fucked in that respect. I can do speeding fines though, so if someone could propel him past me at forty on an inner city road I could pick him up for that”.

Meanwhile, bereft of the ability to blame the latest crisis on immigrants, gays or the poor, the atmosphere at the Daily Mail is on a knife edge.

Paul Dacre, does a mean 'Shirley Bassey'

“WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?”, screamed editor Paul Dacre, at a cleaner. “Suddenly we’ve got the biggest readership of any Sunday paper and I have nothing to put in it! Nobody wants to read about the blacks putting all our farmers out of pocket, or queers causing cancer, everybody’s out baying for the blood of the top brass! I can’t put that sort of shit in my paper! Do you know how awkward that would make my coffee mornings? My polo matches? I have to socialise with these people, have pity! Littlejohn’s literally speechless. He hasn’t uttered a single hateful lie in days. I think he’s traumatised..

Either that or his phone’s been hacked too and they’re about to out him and Barrymore”.

Rob van Riot

FPWK

Sun On Sunday To Implement Full Harvard Referencing System

The Sun On Sunday's natty new logo

The chairman of The Press Complaints Comission (PCC), Baroness Buscombe, is set to impose drastic new regulations on several British newspapers in an attempt to revive public trust after the News Of The World hacking scandal.

Mystic Meg or Anne Nolan?  You decide.

All News International’s printed publications are to be forced to use the full Harvard referencing method including a contents page, detailed appendices suggesting more detailed reading and a complete bibliography.  “This is a bold move by the PCC.” said Buscombe.  “NOTW writers have more ears than morals.  We feel that by introducing this legislation we are effectively forcing News International to stop taking the piss.  More to the point, it should be a right giggle to see who or what Mystic Meg regards as a reliable source!”

News International has revealed that their new Sunday comic The Sun On Sunday will be the first British newspaper to voluntarily feature the academically standard Harvard referencing system.

The lovely Rebekah Brooks

Rebekah Brooks, *12, CEO of disgraced Sunday tabloid The News Of The World made the announcement at a press conference on Saturday morning, where she also insisted that The Sun On Sunday was nothing to do with her whatsoever and resented the implication that it was.

The front page of this Sunday’s pilot issue of The Sun On Sunday is set to feature an article on Cheryl Cole’s new handbag and shoe combination, complete with quotes and paraphrases from Louis Vuitton, a scathing condemnation from Manolo Blahnik and suggestions for further reading which include Sarah Jessica Parker’s new book; Shallower Than A Summer Puddle.

Critics of the new legislation include Daily Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn whose paper is not affected by the move.  “It’s political correctness gone mad!” claims Littlejohn, “The PCC should concentrate on what they are paid to do and get rid of all these bloody immigrants!  If I am to be forced to reveal the sources behind my columns then why not just bring back slavery, capital punishment and the birch for poofters?”  Baroness Buscome responded to Littlejohn’s comments by releasing the following statement:  “Neither I, nor anyone else at the PCC has any desire to impose this legislation on The Daily Mail as it is obvious, even to a drooling vegetable, that it is largely a work of fiction.  As such, asking them to publish their sources would be about as sensible as asking the same of J.R.R. Tolkien.  That said, Richard Littlejohn would do well to remember exactly who the fucking Daddy is here.  I could have him nailed as a sex-case quicker than he could say ‘Enoch was right’.”

Torres:  Depreciating faster than bright pink Ford Mondeo

Even News International’s sports writers will not escape the sanctions, with many people predicting a complete breakdown of the world football transfer market due to a lack of shit-stirring by Monday week.  "Clearly footballers are not worth the money being paid for them." Said FPWK sports correspondent John Thomas, "If you can explain to me why Fernando Torres is worth more money than a medium-sized hospital wing then you're a better man than I am."

Scouser-baiting, Sun stalwart, Kelvin MacKenzie led the protests against PCC intereference with sports journalism claiming that "...this could lead to another Hillsborough!  Football fans don't want the truth.  They want sensationalism and hyperbole and, crucially,  let's face it, who didn't have a chuckle when I told the world I'd seen Stan Boardman piss on a paramedic?"

* Rebekah's IQ

FPWK
This article is the first article by new contributor, Johnny Plantpot.