Chris Martin steps up bid to make UK better place after riots

To show his connection with the common man, Martin proves he can stand up.

Coldplay front man and massive plantpot, Chris Martin, has stepped up his campaign to make the UK a more tolerable place to live, by announcing that the bands next album 'Mylo Xyloto' will probably be their last.  Since their debut album 'Parachutes', Martin has tirelessly worked at letting down music fans all over the nation.

"We feel that too many people liked our our first album, it had lots of decent songs on it and people all over the country could listen to it from start to finish.  When we started work on 'Rush of Blood to the Head' we decided to decrease the number of good songs on it by about 37%, replacing them with songs about my wife's (the equally annoying Gwyneth Paltrow) macrobiotic diet."

Paltrow's affluent effluent

Despite Martin's musings about the way Paltrow can "shit for Britain", due to the large quantities of mung beans and seaweed she consumes, the second album still had enough decent songs on it to make people buy it.  In order to help him destroy the reputation of British Indie music, and make a third album so vapid it would have John Peel spinning in his grave so fast that it could power every Smart car in the UK for fifty years,  Martin recruited fellow whining minge, Gary Lightbody from the equally vapid Snow Patrol, to write songs so mundane they could be used in every episode of Dawson's Creek for the rest of time.

Lightbody "smirting" in Africa

The two set off on a journey of musical disturbance to world's most African of continents;  Africa.  Carrying only instruments hand made by Argentinian lepers and wearing fairtrade clothes made entirely of vegan friendly blancmange, they skipped hand-in-hand all the way to Africa.  Upon arrival, they instantly found themselves inspired to write songs in keys that "no one had ever heard of" and Martin in particular found the inner strength to write such classic bilge as 'Fix You' and 'Speed of Sound'.  After several months of fingering each others bum holes, whilst playing flutes made of fairtrade celery, the duo returned to the UK.  Lightbody realised the massive cock up he had just made and went on a massive coke binge, whilst Martin hit the studio with the other feckless members of Coldplay, to record the wankfest 'X&Y'.


"Once again Coldplay have managed to thrap out another hit laden long player 4/5" said NME columnist Barnaby Singlespeed.  The boys of Coldplay once again realised what they had done and decided to make their next outing, Viva la Vida, so viscerally painful to listen to, that  surely no one would ever buy it. 


"We all decided to play each others instruments to reduce the quality, then I suggested playing whilst wearing boxing gloves too" said bass player Guy Berryman in between Botox injections.

The iHand, you don't need one, but you will buy one.

All was going well, then what happened next is considered, by many, to be the greatest cluster fuck in musical history.  During the recording sessions for 'Viva la Vida', the Coldplay Guitarist, Johnny Buckland, accidentally rolled and smoked a joint and then proceeded to write the one good guitar riff on the entire album, the one from the song 'Violet Hill'.  Of course once the general public heard the riff, they unwittingly downloaded the album, mistakenly believing that there would be something else of musical note, only to be completely and utterly mistaken.  Apple Mac Mogul, Steve Jobs, considered shutting the iTunes store down for a while to try and stop the rot, but by the time he had finished making something else that no one really needs, he was too late.


So, after reducing the sperm count of red blooded males in the UK for what seems like eternity, Chris Martin has hinted strongly that no matter what comes of this album, Coldplay will split up and concentrate, not on solo albums, but on being very quiet in isolated parts of the British Isles.  


"To be honest, if any body buys this album, I will be very surprised" spluttered the deceivingly fat drummer Will Champion, "Essentially, we just recorded the sounds of a flock of sheep that had been poisoned with arsenic and then fed them to some wolves whilst on the vinegar stroke of their lives, not that it matters, I'm moving to Inverness to eat deep fried Irn-Bru" 

Bono, with fellow Anthropologist, Bush

Chris and the boys will probably get Knighted for this act of selflessness, especially in the wake of the recent civil unrest.  The act of never, ever producing any more new music, puts Coldplay firmly in the top, top echelon of humanitarians, along with the likes of Ghandi, the Dalai Lama and Paul Gascoigne. Reports from our source inside the U2 harem say that Bono is "sick as fuck" at the thought that he didn't think of turning it in 20 years ago and "missing the chance to be giving something back, by doing nothing." 


Everybody in the FPWK office feels exactly the same way Bono.  Everyone.


Jeremy Axeminster


FPWK