10 reasons why Brian Blessed should be the next England manager

Here are 10 wonderful reasons why Brian Blessed should be the next England Manager.


1. It would appear that most people in England would like the next England Manager to be English. Brian Blessed is probably the most English person in the world, with the obvious exception of Sherlock Holmes. Unfortunately, due to reality issues, Sherlock Holmes is unavailable, however the FA haven't ruled him out.


2. Brian likes to climb mountains, literally! Taking the pissy shower of twats we call a national side to any sort of glory is indeed, a massive mountain. The man nearly made it to the top of Mount Everest without oxygen, this is right up his street.


3. He's motivationalist! Just think of the fervour he could stir up? If anyone is cable of making thinly veiled car thief Wayne Rooney, take enough pride in the England shirt that he is wearing to sing the national anthem, it's Brian.


4. Moral fibre. The man is without reproach when it comes to.. well, everything. I find it unlikely he would be caught out for shagging some paggered blonde TV presenter, paying family pets to avoid taxation and most importantly racism, although he has been known to call a spade a spade.

Johnson during the one game he wasn't utter pony.

5. Sky TV could offer "Pay Per View" options on the half time team talks. "JOHNSON........ What in the name of Damocles' Sword are you doing, IMBECILE!". In reality, we know that Brian would never actually pick Glen Johnson, what with him being shit and everything. Blessed isn't a fool after all.


6. Ian Holloway isn't ready yet. He needs to take Blackpool back to the Premier League and the FA Cup final. End of.


7. He could easily bark orders and tactics from the safety of technical area. His skills in voice projection, from years of theatre work, would stand him in good stead when dishing orders out when things go awry.


8. Harry Redknapp, while being the obvious and popular choice amongst big red plastic vuvuzela wielding Sun readers, doesn't actually give a shit about the England job. You know it, I know it, and can you imagine how painful it would become listening to his son, Jamie "I-always-wanted-be-a-model-anyway!" Redknapp, banging on about how wonderful his Dad is in the pre-match build up? WOWLD CLARSS....

The new slim line Lampard

9. Despite his complete lack of experience in Football Management, how could Brian do any worse of a job than any of the Scoffers that have followed Bobby Robson? He could not be worse than Steve McClaren, could he? No, is the simple answer, if we are going to have another plant pot without a clue, lets just give the big man a go. At least it would be entertaining.


10. If Harry Redknapp becomes the England manager, the perennial porker Frank Lampard will keep getting in the team. There are better midfielders playing in the parks on a Sunday morning. Fat Frank is well past his best days and should have the common decency to tell his Uncle that he is too busy looking through the reduced section at Waitrose to play for England.


Jeremy Axeminster

Chas & Dave Scoop Prestigious Gong

Chas & Dave:  Possibly psychic.

Legendary Rockneys Chas & Dave are to be awarded a prestigious prize for their song 'Snooker Loopy' some 25 years after it's release, it emerged yesterday.

Their 1986 hit, originally thought to be about snooker has now been exposed as containing contemporary Conservative policies regarding immigration and public spending, as well as staggeringly accurate, Nostradamus-esque predictions about Britain's cultural climate.

'Gruppenfuhrer' Ron Atkinson.

The duo will attend a ceremony at Brixton Town Hall on Friday to formally accept 2011's 'The 'Big' Ron Atkinson Urban Inter-Ethno Community Multi-Faithed Sexually-Diverse Affirmative Tolerance Award'.

Previous winners of TBRAUIECMFSDATA include Enoch Powell, Margaret Thatcher, Jim Davidson and notably, BNP leader Nick Griffin, who has won the prize for the last 5 years running.

Prime Minister David Cameron was among the first to congratulate Chas & Dave;  FPWK sources say that he called the duo personally upon hearing the news and is in negotiations to secure the rights to the song for the next Tory election campaign:  "It could have been written for us."  Claims Cameron, "In 2010, we 'potted the reds'.  I now say this to the British people: we have kept our thinly-veiled election manifesto inferences - we have screwed back for the yellows, greens, browns, blues, pinks and blacks.  Although, to take the metaphor to it's natural conclusion;  if I could have concentrated on blacks as much as Ronnie O' Sullivan can, then I think we'd have seen a new 'Masters' champion by now, if you know what I mean."

HMV in Hackney:  Unable to keep up with demand.

This is not the first time a so-called 'zany' pop song has stirred up political debate in this country.   Joe Dolce's 'Shaddap You Face' from 1980 has since been revealed to contain powerful hidden messages designed to deflect public attention away from Margaret Thatcher's draconian austerity measures of the early 80's.  It is also no secret that Geoffrey Howe personally bought 14,000 copies in order to keep Ultravox from the top of the charts.

FPWK song analyst, Robin Honeybadger, claims that the hidden meanings in 'Snooker Loopy' were there to spot all along: "If you substitute the word 'snooker' and replace it with the word 'proper', then this has the makings of an excellent Tory propaganda ditty.
"However, " says Honeybadger, "It's when we start to dissect the verses that the true horror of this song becomes fully apparent.  Cameron's unbridled xenophobia was obvious as early as 1986.  You just can't fucking deny it, and neither, no matter what his political stripe, can 'Terry The Taff'."

Labour leader, Ed Miliband, whose father of course, was a massive raving Marxist, reacted to the news by revealing that Labour are to run a series of X-Factor-style auditions in order to find a composer for their next election campaign song.  Hot favourites include;  Bono, Chris Martin, James Blunt and loads of other dreary, vacuous ball-aches.

Johnny Plantpot

FPWK