Coalition Government Linked to Death, Misery and Stuff

Leading health experts have released shocking evidence, that has conclusively shown that many British citizens have died since the Coalition Government took over control of the country last year. The report entitled 'The ConDems are Killing Us' shows clearly and concisely, that many people have died since David Cameron slimed his way through the back door in to No.10 Downing Street. Dr. Sebastien Baldspot, spokesperson for Medical Based Statistics, the group behind the report gave this statement: 


"Since Nick Clegg sold us all down the river last year, the health and well being of the nation has suffered badly. People all over the country have continued to die at an alarming rate of knots. Drinking is on the rise, despite the price of a pint of beer in most pubs approaching £20 and most people just cant afford that, never mind the taxi fare home. Many people have taken to drinking varnish at home and playing conkers with their highly lacquered shit balls until they slowly die of being "sick as fuck"". 

Clegg shows what happens when you fall
asleep at No.10

There are so many cases of this around the country it has been given an official medical name and everything. At first it was called 'Cameron-is-a-Plantpot Syndrome', then the Prime Minister managed to deflect the pressure on to Nick Clegg, as per usual, when it was re-branded "Nick Clegg: The New Judas Disorder'. However, when further research showed that it was both their faults, it was given its current moniker, "ConDems Undeniably Nasty Twats Syndrome" or CUNTS.


In defence of the Government, Nick Clegg tried to save some face by facing the families of people that have died because of CUNTS. Clegg was immediately bowled a googly when faced by an elderly man from Accrington. Willie Eckerslike, 83, put a valid point to Mr Clegg when he stated that his wife died the day that the Condems were formed. "My dear old Cissy was as fit as a fiddle, she had been training hard with Owen Hargreaves, then you lot took over and POW! She dropped down dead whilst making shuttle runs with elastic bands round her knees! This is all your fault, you treacherous, power hungry, Perrier quaffing git!" to which Mr Clegg simply raised his hand and said "My Bad". 


Not wanting to leave the plebs feeling like they had been completely shafted and had the entire nation closed down by draconian spending cuts, Clegg offered to make sure that CUNTS becomes number one on his list of "Things to do, less important than winning at Backgammon". Assured by his vacuous promises, people went back to their lives, despite two more people dying of CUNTS before leaving the Clitheroe Civic Centre where the talks were held.


Meanwhile, the latest batch of strikes to grind the UK to halt, were carried out yesterday by some quite hard done by civil servants. The picket line outside Wycombe High School, Bucks was more like a scene from Schindler's List as impoverished teachers held placards aloft with statements of disgust at how the cut backs have affected their working practices. "Subsidised coffee vending machines are essential to the teaching process" and "Even Stalin gave teachers more than 8 weeks off a year!" were among the many slogans daubed on placards made from the parcel shelves ripped from cars used as barricades outside the school. 

Frostrop-Harelip standing solemnly in front of some doors

Marion Frostrop-Harelip, the unofficial leader of the group, bleated out this statement on a megaphone "Moan moan moan, grumble grumble, moan, grumble grumble, moan moan" to a rapturous round of applause from all of the other seven teachers on the picket line. The rest of the group were allegedly on the high street trying to "garner support for the cause" by standing in queues of solidarity and buying items of Christmas unison. 


David Cameron was unavailable for comment as he was busy planning the withdrawal of troops from Iraq and Afghanistan, sacking most of them, selling their equipment on ebay and then using the seven remaining soldiers, both of the working RAF planes and the wreck of the HMS Hood to invade Iran.


Jeremy Axeminster

Chris Martin steps up bid to make UK better place after riots

To show his connection with the common man, Martin proves he can stand up.

Coldplay front man and massive plantpot, Chris Martin, has stepped up his campaign to make the UK a more tolerable place to live, by announcing that the bands next album 'Mylo Xyloto' will probably be their last.  Since their debut album 'Parachutes', Martin has tirelessly worked at letting down music fans all over the nation.

"We feel that too many people liked our our first album, it had lots of decent songs on it and people all over the country could listen to it from start to finish.  When we started work on 'Rush of Blood to the Head' we decided to decrease the number of good songs on it by about 37%, replacing them with songs about my wife's (the equally annoying Gwyneth Paltrow) macrobiotic diet."

Paltrow's affluent effluent

Despite Martin's musings about the way Paltrow can "shit for Britain", due to the large quantities of mung beans and seaweed she consumes, the second album still had enough decent songs on it to make people buy it.  In order to help him destroy the reputation of British Indie music, and make a third album so vapid it would have John Peel spinning in his grave so fast that it could power every Smart car in the UK for fifty years,  Martin recruited fellow whining minge, Gary Lightbody from the equally vapid Snow Patrol, to write songs so mundane they could be used in every episode of Dawson's Creek for the rest of time.

Lightbody "smirting" in Africa

The two set off on a journey of musical disturbance to world's most African of continents;  Africa.  Carrying only instruments hand made by Argentinian lepers and wearing fairtrade clothes made entirely of vegan friendly blancmange, they skipped hand-in-hand all the way to Africa.  Upon arrival, they instantly found themselves inspired to write songs in keys that "no one had ever heard of" and Martin in particular found the inner strength to write such classic bilge as 'Fix You' and 'Speed of Sound'.  After several months of fingering each others bum holes, whilst playing flutes made of fairtrade celery, the duo returned to the UK.  Lightbody realised the massive cock up he had just made and went on a massive coke binge, whilst Martin hit the studio with the other feckless members of Coldplay, to record the wankfest 'X&Y'.


"Once again Coldplay have managed to thrap out another hit laden long player 4/5" said NME columnist Barnaby Singlespeed.  The boys of Coldplay once again realised what they had done and decided to make their next outing, Viva la Vida, so viscerally painful to listen to, that  surely no one would ever buy it. 


"We all decided to play each others instruments to reduce the quality, then I suggested playing whilst wearing boxing gloves too" said bass player Guy Berryman in between Botox injections.

The iHand, you don't need one, but you will buy one.

All was going well, then what happened next is considered, by many, to be the greatest cluster fuck in musical history.  During the recording sessions for 'Viva la Vida', the Coldplay Guitarist, Johnny Buckland, accidentally rolled and smoked a joint and then proceeded to write the one good guitar riff on the entire album, the one from the song 'Violet Hill'.  Of course once the general public heard the riff, they unwittingly downloaded the album, mistakenly believing that there would be something else of musical note, only to be completely and utterly mistaken.  Apple Mac Mogul, Steve Jobs, considered shutting the iTunes store down for a while to try and stop the rot, but by the time he had finished making something else that no one really needs, he was too late.


So, after reducing the sperm count of red blooded males in the UK for what seems like eternity, Chris Martin has hinted strongly that no matter what comes of this album, Coldplay will split up and concentrate, not on solo albums, but on being very quiet in isolated parts of the British Isles.  


"To be honest, if any body buys this album, I will be very surprised" spluttered the deceivingly fat drummer Will Champion, "Essentially, we just recorded the sounds of a flock of sheep that had been poisoned with arsenic and then fed them to some wolves whilst on the vinegar stroke of their lives, not that it matters, I'm moving to Inverness to eat deep fried Irn-Bru" 

Bono, with fellow Anthropologist, Bush

Chris and the boys will probably get Knighted for this act of selflessness, especially in the wake of the recent civil unrest.  The act of never, ever producing any more new music, puts Coldplay firmly in the top, top echelon of humanitarians, along with the likes of Ghandi, the Dalai Lama and Paul Gascoigne. Reports from our source inside the U2 harem say that Bono is "sick as fuck" at the thought that he didn't think of turning it in 20 years ago and "missing the chance to be giving something back, by doing nothing." 


Everybody in the FPWK office feels exactly the same way Bono.  Everyone.


Jeremy Axeminster


FPWK

FTSE 100 Index exposed as massive load of bollocks!

Gwillym (left) and Seb (right), Twats that laugh at your misery

The FTSE 100 Index has been dealt another massive blow today, when a 7 year old girl asked Prime Minister David Cameron "Why do all those numbers and letters mean that my Daddy has no money to buy me a pony?".  The little girl in question, Chardonnay Mbengwi-Cooper, sprung the question on the PM at the official closing ceremony of the last library in England.

At first, Cameron was unsure of what the question meant, but when his advisor advised him with advice that the numbers in question were the FTSE 100, Cameron suddenly looked like a dog that had been shown a card trick. Unable to give a direct answer to the weeping child, Cameron went in search of someone who might know. Fortunately, the PM has Alan Sugar on BBM and sent him this message, which an unnamed source, may or may not have hacked for FPWK:

Cunting big thunbs

"Yo! $ugababez! wa'gwannin? sum lil' rasclaat ho jus str8t up dissed me in front of mi' breddrin? bitch waz poppin shit abt sum FTSE 100 index or sum shit? u no what she spittin venom abt? on the + side, her mum woz well phat and she added me on facebook innit :)"

To which Lord Sugar replied:

What rich people wear when going for a shit

"Aiiight D-Cam! pure time since we talked fam! basically bitch was talkin bout dis FTSE shiz, its bscally a steamin pile of pussy claat numbrz n lettrz us rich bwoyz use to confuz ppl without ne cash into thinkin dat the world will end if us clevva ppl dnt sort stufs out for dem and ting. man, i tellz u, i pure lined ma pockits wiv dis shit! bscally its a cross btwn countdown nd sudoku bt dnt tell neone! lolz"

When the FPWK team got hold of these texts, we immediately contacted Ms. Mbengwi-Cooper to tell her the truth. Upon hearing the truth about why she can't have a pony, the 7 year old spotaneously combusted and set fire to the house killing two guinea pigs named salt and pepper that were trapped inside. The RSPCC has been contacted and are looking into the possibility of criminal charges relating to the death of the animals. Chastity Frigidpants, spokesperson for the RSPCC gave this statement:

"After the tragic death of these two poor, innocent, sweet, furry, little animals, it is imperative that we bring the people responsible to justice. Although a small girl died too, that didn't make me cry as much and we may well defer the court case until after hanging has been brought back, just so we can string the horrible genocidal bastards up from the gallows, even Milosevic left the animals alone".

Fortunately for David Cameron the third test starts on Wednesday and the nation will forget about more of his short-comings for a few days.

Jeremy Axeminster

FPWK

Andrew Strauss accused of 'Jedi Mind Trick'

The Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) is to appeal to the ICC for Andrew Strauss to be banned for life from cricket, for the illegal use of a 'Jedi Mind Trick' to influence the outcome of a game. The events surrounding yesterday's cluster fuck at Trent Bridge, have lead to claims that Strauss used an 'illegal telepathic transgression' to gain Ian Bell's reinstatement. The England captain went to the Indian dressing room, during the late afternoon Pimms break, to meet with Indian captain M.S. Dhoni. After no more than twenty seconds, Dhoni headed straight to the umpire's drawing room to withdraw their appeal and asked for Bell to be reinstated.

An artist's impression of what Strauss may have
looked like as a Jedi Knight.

It was only when Dhoni was relaxing in his hammock later that evening, that he realised what he had actually done. "I couldn't actually remember going to the umpire, it was as if some mystic force made me do something I wouldn't normally even consider". Upon realising he had been duped by the England Captain, Dhoni went straight to work penning the necessary 23,500 word formal complaint letter, in Latin, to the ICC. When play was resumed, after Lipton tea and cream scones, Andrew Strauss could be heard "literally laughing his cock off" said FPWK audio technician, Flathead, who was working at the test match yesterday.

Bell, WINNING!

All of the drama surrounding "Jedigate" has managed to deflected attention away from Ian Bell, who according to David Gower "dropped a massive bollock". By his own admission, Bell has been hanging around with too many Premiership footballers, including John Terry, and hasn't the words Stop, No or Don't for some time. Bell said "I guess I just became accustomed to having things my own way, and like Big JT always says to me "If you want something badly enough, sleep with your team mates girlfriend", the guy has been a big inspiration to me, but I feel I have to take it a bit easier after getting away with that hum dinger".

Unsure of how to test Andrew Strauss for Jedi powers, the ICC have turned to Derek Acorah for advice. "Well, the tried and tested way to test for Jedi powers, is to use a Geiger counter as Jedis give off high levels of radiation". With the associated health risks of radiation poisoning the work is likely to be carried out by the female catering staff at Lord's, some time before the start of the next test, a week on Thursday.

The not-shy-of-controversy, Geoffrey Boycott, took a break from corporeally punishing his wife to sum up the matter in his own particular style:

Boycott: Honourary Degree in Domestic Discipline

"Fuckin' lucky tosser, In my day, they would have left him to rot in the changing room, but
we did used to wind the Indians up about their weak economy and the colour of their skin, they were simpler times, but at least you know where you stood! I don't really think it's done the spirit of the game much good either, before you know it they will hold it against us... wouldn't it just be typical of a former colony to hold a noble gesture over their former Empirical masters heads and scream injustice, wankers!".



Jeremey Axeminster

FPWK



Morrissey set to replace Prince Phillip as UK's political uncorrectness spokesperson

Here, Morrissey indicates where he wants the darkies to watch from

Lisping twat, Morrissey, has been officially confirmed as the successor to Prince Phillip as the spokesperson for the working man. Until recently, there had been some debate who would take over from the olive munching, nonagenarian Mountbatten, when he tires of insulting ethnic minorities and upsetting the LGBT community. However, Morrissey's fantastic outburst on Sunday, gave David Cameron no choice but to award the post to him. At a gig in Poland on Sunday night Morrissey said, and this is a direct and actual quote:

'We all live in a murderous world, as the events in Norway have shown with 97 dead,' he said (when the death toll was thought to be higher). 'Though that is nothing compared to what happens in McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Shit every day.'

Mountbatten: Pretty fly for a white guy

The likening of the Norway atrocities to McDonald's and KFC by Morrissey may have sealed the deal for the job, however Prince Phillip is less than happy at the appointment. Morrissey had a pop at the Royal family during the recent Royal wedding calling them "benefit scroungers". Of course, Phillip went off his tits upon hearing this and launched his riposte by putting this statement on his facebook status:

"Bloody Poof!, I should take him out the back and get my grandson to get his butler to give him a damn good thrashing! Anyway, nobody listens to you any more! Keep your bloody shirt on too, you like like a bin bag full of goose meat in aspic!"

To add to this scathing status update, Phillip has also ordered Nigel Kennedy and Gary Rhodes to get rid of their Morrissey based hairdos or face being "hanged by the neck until they die". Kennedy immediately cacked his pants and got a number one all over, whilst Rhodes is currently in the middle of filming his new series Rhodes across Rhodesia and is not expected to return alive. Meanwhile, close friend of the singer and fellow vegetarian and plantpot, Yoko Ono, jumped to his defence with this statement that she gave, whilst dressed as a Polar Bear and buried up to the tits in whipped cream by means of a protest:

"Wooooooo Weeeee ayayayayayayayayyayyeeee KOO KOO PING PING"

As per usual, not a single person on the planet cares what Ono is banging on about since she split the Beatles up. Meanwhile, Morrissey's lawyers have taken out a super injunction, not against any one person, or to stop any single piece of information getting out, more just for "shits and giggles" according to our source, who definitely did not hack any one's phone or email account at London based law firm Sodom, Gomorrah and Heseltine.

In order to delay his retirement from the post and prevent Morrissey from ascending into power, Prince Phillip has been in talks with Ryan Giggs about how to extend his career. Giggs recommended quorn burgers, pilates and smashing the granny out of anything that moves, particularly empty headed Welsh bints as they take up the tea towel holder.

Jeremy Axemister

FPWK

EU to put all North Western English towns on protected name list

The North West: Angry at Americans

EU Ministers are putting plans together to include all North Western English towns on the protected name list. The move has been designed to stop war mongering Americans naming their children after places in the area, in a vain attempt to connect with their ancestry. Due to America being short on history, second only to Chelsea football club on the World Heritage lack of history list, the parents of new born, white, Anglo-Saxon, protestant (WASP's) children, throw aside the baby name books of yesteryear and simply stick a pin in a map of North West England and name their child after the town it falls in.

The atrocity was first noticed by Frundle Bartch, Professor of Northeness at the University of Oswaldtwistle, in early 2002. After doing several years of research, Bartch concluded that up to 92% of all WASP's under the age of 21, were named after towns in the North West of England.

"It first clouted me round lug 'ole, when I were watching' some generic American sitcom on telly box 'bout a load of gormless buggers that d'nowt but laze around and drink coffee. As credits rolled at th'end o show, I saw all these names... Preston, Lytham, Kirkham and such... I were sat there wi mi cake 'ole oppen, wonderin' what these daft buggers were up t" said Bartch.

After securing funding from the People's Republic of the North West, Bartch completed a six month tour of America interviewing WASP's and his findings were startling. Not only did most of the people named after Northern towns not know where these towns were, but many did not know where England was and some had never even heard of it. One person, named Oldham Skelmersdale Runnynose III, that Bartch interviewed in Aspen said: "ENGLAND.. Hell yeah! I know it, you're that country near Japan we invaded before we single handedly won the World War!"

Arsene Clouseau: Cultured

Upon his return to God's own country, Bartch collated his findings and took them to the EU and they, surprisingly, jumped straight on the band wagon. The openly Xenophobic French were happy to support anything that stopped this travesty dead in its tracks. Spokesman for all of France, Arsene Clouseau, is very keen on the proposed plans, givng this statement:

"Because of ze tweening erv tons across Europe, we feel zat French tons, tweeened weez Norz Wistern Igleesh tons, could be used to nom obese Americans in ze future, and I werd rarzer dreenk Australian whet wern frerm a shoe zan let zis appen!"

To help the unimaginative Americans fill the void left by the protection order, Bartch has suggested that they use some other form of reference for child names. This is perhaps the most contraversial part of the plan, as he has suggested that the burger munching imbeciles use Adolf Hitlers best selling book, Mein Kampf. He reached this suggestion when part of his research showed the Aryan look of most WASP's. Blonde hair and blue eyes were a very prominent feature amongst of most people included in the research, as well as a predisposition for short, beady eyed, right wing politicians and global domination.

The proposed plans would probably have drawn outrage from any other developed country, but as of yet, nobody of any consequence in America has made any sort of response. This is probably related to the fact, that it is the time of year when male WASP's in America like to stuff live baby deers full of blood diamonds and beat them sticks in order to attract mates. If America does not lodge a formal complaint with EU by the end of next week, they will lose the right to appeal and probably start drawing up invasion plans.

Jeremy Axeminster

FPWK