CAMERON FLEES COUNTRY AS MURDOCH PREPARES TO ACTIVATE DEATH STAR

Murdoch's fully operational battle station

Prime Minister David Cameron was in hiding in darkest Africa last night, having been tipped off about Rupert Murdoch’s intentions to activate his colossal starbase, the ‘Death Star’, and send Britain back to the dark ages in vengeance for ‘Hackgate’.

Murdoch has long been rumoured to have an ‘end of days’ contingency plan should his enemies ever mount a sustained offensive against him, and it now transpires that the ‘dark side’ of the Moon, long considered to be beyond the reaches of human navigation, has been slowly transformed into a deadly weapon by Murdoch’s Empire, capable of turning a man’s head into pie and mash within a nanosecond of exposure. Now, with a Commons enquiry facing him and his business collapsing around him like a former News of the World journalist hounded into a drug overdose, Murdoch is preparing to press the big red button. Quizzed as to why he chose South Africa as a destination, Cameron snarled “South Africa is a brave, courageous nation, with a fine and honourable history of protecting the interests of rich white men from foreign invaders. Don’t tell Mandela I’m here, he’ll have me”. Pressed further as to how he became aware of Murdoch’s evil scheme, he explained “How do you think? I hacked his phone. I didn’t employ Andy Coulson for nothing, you know. Back in the day this is exactly the thing we’d have used a Super Injunction for. Thanks a pissing lot, Ryan Giggs. At least if I’d ploughed Imogen Thomas I’d have gotten something out of all this.”

Rick Stein's waste bin

The Giggs affair was again thrust into the spotlight, as the ongoing investigation into News of the World business practice suggested that Coulson may have ordered the hacking of Imogen’s gash in order to acquire stories.

At home, calls began for Cameron stand down as Prime Minister - his paper thin denials of any prior knowledge of the furore looking even more piss weak and lamentable in light of the arrest of most of his regular cocktail party associates. However the march to remove him from power appears to have stalled due to the lack of anybody with the authority to do it.

Dave Mingethackery, 22, is a Police Constable from Burton on Trent who joined the force three months ago. Now, as senior police officers continue to throw themselves onto the fire like self-flagellating remorse monkeys, he finds himself the third most senior officer in the country.

“I’d love to arrest Cameron,” says Dave, “but I don’t even get proper handcuffs until next week. So I’m a bit fucked in that respect. I can do speeding fines though, so if someone could propel him past me at forty on an inner city road I could pick him up for that”.

Meanwhile, bereft of the ability to blame the latest crisis on immigrants, gays or the poor, the atmosphere at the Daily Mail is on a knife edge.

Paul Dacre, does a mean 'Shirley Bassey'

“WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?”, screamed editor Paul Dacre, at a cleaner. “Suddenly we’ve got the biggest readership of any Sunday paper and I have nothing to put in it! Nobody wants to read about the blacks putting all our farmers out of pocket, or queers causing cancer, everybody’s out baying for the blood of the top brass! I can’t put that sort of shit in my paper! Do you know how awkward that would make my coffee mornings? My polo matches? I have to socialise with these people, have pity! Littlejohn’s literally speechless. He hasn’t uttered a single hateful lie in days. I think he’s traumatised..

Either that or his phone’s been hacked too and they’re about to out him and Barrymore”.

Rob van Riot

FPWK