Coalition Government Linked to Death, Misery and Stuff

Leading health experts have released shocking evidence, that has conclusively shown that many British citizens have died since the Coalition Government took over control of the country last year. The report entitled 'The ConDems are Killing Us' shows clearly and concisely, that many people have died since David Cameron slimed his way through the back door in to No.10 Downing Street. Dr. Sebastien Baldspot, spokesperson for Medical Based Statistics, the group behind the report gave this statement: 


"Since Nick Clegg sold us all down the river last year, the health and well being of the nation has suffered badly. People all over the country have continued to die at an alarming rate of knots. Drinking is on the rise, despite the price of a pint of beer in most pubs approaching £20 and most people just cant afford that, never mind the taxi fare home. Many people have taken to drinking varnish at home and playing conkers with their highly lacquered shit balls until they slowly die of being "sick as fuck"". 

Clegg shows what happens when you fall
asleep at No.10

There are so many cases of this around the country it has been given an official medical name and everything. At first it was called 'Cameron-is-a-Plantpot Syndrome', then the Prime Minister managed to deflect the pressure on to Nick Clegg, as per usual, when it was re-branded "Nick Clegg: The New Judas Disorder'. However, when further research showed that it was both their faults, it was given its current moniker, "ConDems Undeniably Nasty Twats Syndrome" or CUNTS.


In defence of the Government, Nick Clegg tried to save some face by facing the families of people that have died because of CUNTS. Clegg was immediately bowled a googly when faced by an elderly man from Accrington. Willie Eckerslike, 83, put a valid point to Mr Clegg when he stated that his wife died the day that the Condems were formed. "My dear old Cissy was as fit as a fiddle, she had been training hard with Owen Hargreaves, then you lot took over and POW! She dropped down dead whilst making shuttle runs with elastic bands round her knees! This is all your fault, you treacherous, power hungry, Perrier quaffing git!" to which Mr Clegg simply raised his hand and said "My Bad". 


Not wanting to leave the plebs feeling like they had been completely shafted and had the entire nation closed down by draconian spending cuts, Clegg offered to make sure that CUNTS becomes number one on his list of "Things to do, less important than winning at Backgammon". Assured by his vacuous promises, people went back to their lives, despite two more people dying of CUNTS before leaving the Clitheroe Civic Centre where the talks were held.


Meanwhile, the latest batch of strikes to grind the UK to halt, were carried out yesterday by some quite hard done by civil servants. The picket line outside Wycombe High School, Bucks was more like a scene from Schindler's List as impoverished teachers held placards aloft with statements of disgust at how the cut backs have affected their working practices. "Subsidised coffee vending machines are essential to the teaching process" and "Even Stalin gave teachers more than 8 weeks off a year!" were among the many slogans daubed on placards made from the parcel shelves ripped from cars used as barricades outside the school. 

Frostrop-Harelip standing solemnly in front of some doors

Marion Frostrop-Harelip, the unofficial leader of the group, bleated out this statement on a megaphone "Moan moan moan, grumble grumble, moan, grumble grumble, moan moan" to a rapturous round of applause from all of the other seven teachers on the picket line. The rest of the group were allegedly on the high street trying to "garner support for the cause" by standing in queues of solidarity and buying items of Christmas unison. 


David Cameron was unavailable for comment as he was busy planning the withdrawal of troops from Iraq and Afghanistan, sacking most of them, selling their equipment on ebay and then using the seven remaining soldiers, both of the working RAF planes and the wreck of the HMS Hood to invade Iran.


Jeremy Axeminster

Beady Eye set to tour Iran

Beady Eye, possibly the worst name for a band since the Hitler youths failed boy band, Final Solution

Two years after whining Mancunians, Oasis, decided to turn it in, Liam Gallagher's new band, Beady Eye, are about to embark on a 6 month tour of Iran. Hailed as the most daring tour by any mediocre, spin off band ever, the "More Dollar Than The Ayatollah" tour will consist of more than 20 gigs, Koran signings, an appearance on Radio Tehran's live lounge, fighting with locals, a gig in a mosque and a monkey type posturing competition with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Here, Gallagher practices sign language for ordering drinks

Despite being completely ignorant of other peoples faiths, beliefs and religions, the half witted front man is keen on soaking up the local culture. "E'Yar Knob'ed, me and the lads are gonna tear the Middle East a new arsehole, we've been googlin' 'Tehran nightlife' and we have found some boshty pubs and strip clubs where we can have the after parties".

Iranian chief cleric, and former roadie for The Charlatans, Ahmad Khatami has denounced the tour, saying that tour clashes with the height of the stoning season and may lead to empty stadiums for the national sport of Iran. "It is disrespectful of Beady Eye to interrupt the stonings, there are women that need a big crowd to get themselves in the proper frame of mind for the match."

This is also adds to the recent decline in Iranian women taking up the sport. A loophole exploiting a backdoor for Kurdish people, homosexuals and political prisoners to become professionals in the sport, has put off many Iranian women from a position they once had reserved solely for themselves. Sepinood Gashinered, spokesperson for the Iranian Women's Stoning Association, gave this statement about the matter:

"For centuries, the women of Iran enjoyed the privilege of being the sole participants in the stonings, but due to this loophole it is becoming increasingly more difficult for women to get into the sport. Once upon a time, all a good woman had to do to get into a match, was have a period within a mile of a man, nowadays, it is much harder. I have heard of extreme cases of women speaking in public and even baring their wrists on a Friday, just to break into the stoning scene. Now, I'm not trying to say that ethnic minorities and other such people are entitled to a good death, but maybe we should have separate leagues, for separate people?"

Sepp Blatter has strongly opposed this move in the sport, along with 'stone-line' technology, stating it would be hard to implement across the world game and could lead to unneccessary injuries amongst its participants.

Meanwhile, Noel Gallagher has stayed in his home studio preparing for his first solo album release. A source inside Noel's Monobrow studio, has revealed that Noel has been busy rearranging the six different chords that he knows, into as many different permeatations as possible. "He is sick of people moaning about all the Oasis songs being rip offs of the Beatles, or T-rex, or David Bowie, or Neil Young, so he's enlisted the help of songwriting genius Daniel Bedingfield, to help him get a new fresh sound". Noels first album "Frantic Frapping Water" is set for release on the 2nd of Julember.

News just in: Radioahmadinejehead, Iran's number one tribute band are to support Beady Eye on their tour of Iran.

FPWK