Blackpool Turns To Dignitas

Blackpool Tower:  Mecca for cretins.

There is an enormous plantpot magnet at the top of Blackpool Tower, and it's been there for ages, it emerged yesterday.

As hundreds of locals simultaneously slapped their foreheads and screamed "Well that fucking explains it, then!" at the top of their voices, Blackpool resident, Gary Rooney, 19, had this to say:  "Eeeeeyyaaarrrrrr knob 'ed!  Pincha smoke off ya?"

It is believed that the magnet was first installed by hilariously unhilarious racialist comedian, Joey Blower in 1994.  Blower installed the device in order to attract audiences with the required sequence of chromosome deficiencies needed to appreciate the tired, loathsome, self-serving, pile of fetid worm spunk that is, The Joey Blower Show.

Blower after reaching a Plantpot landmark.

Since that fateful day, Blackpool has attracted over 39,000 new plantpots, putting them in with a growing share of the population (27%), shortly behind are crackheads (19%), traffic cones (13%) and members of metal bands (11%).  Inevitably, not all of these pilgrimages have happy endings.  Five percent of immigrant plantpots are killed or maimed within 48 hours of arrival, usually by another plantpot protecting his territory or by eating from one of the town's fast food establishments.  
A further two percent are incarcerated and returned to the secure institution from whence they escaped, or 'hotel' as some of the brochures like to say.

The sharp rise in the plantpot population has led Swiss firm, Dignitas, to consider opening a clinic in the town.  
Assisted suicide for immigrant plantpots is still a somewhat divisive issue amongst Blackpool residents, but some are failing to see an alternative.  "If it's a straight choice between getting covered in saliva every time I leave the house or putting everyone in a pair of detailed jeans to sleep, then I know which side my bread is buttered!"  Says Randolph Saxonburg, head of Plantpot Management for Blackpool tourist board.  "They come over here, with their STIs and gingivitis, not a pot to piss in, spew up all over our streets, drinking the over-priced witch piss that the myriad of Mitchell & Butler pubs here have the temerity to call 'lager', then decide that it's just so wonderful here that they have to stay.  Well, not on my fucking watch!"

Mr Saxonburg's comments came as Blackpool Council released details of the scheme in which Dignitas are to be made 'Key Investment Partners' in the town:  "What we are proposing," said councillor Frank Emptihead, "is a solution that works for local residents.  The lifeless cadavers from the new Dignitas clinic will be taken to The Sandcastle, which will be filled with formaldehyde, where they can be kept until needed as winter fuel for our impoverished residents.  It's a lot easier than us creating jobs.  Obviously, there will be a council tax rise required to fund the scheme.  Ha ha ha ha!"

The Tache:  Four hundred grand's worth of dangerous misery.

Opponents of the Dignitas scheme include Tache Nightclub proprietor, Ron Blunden, 97, who claims the plans are ill considered:  "I run a club which is full of 500 wannabe necrophiliacs every single Thursday.  You put a huge pile of preserved dead bodies within walking distance and you're going to have a problem.  All I'm saying is; I can't guarantee that some of the corpses wouldn't end up as part of my regular clientele.  And if you can smell formaldehyde in there through the overwhelming stench of piss, sweat, blood and yeast infections, then you're a better man than I am."

As news filtered through that The Tache is finally going to be demolished anyway (Yeah, right - 'council offices' Bet that's what Hitler said Dachau was gonna be.), the future looks bright for the Dignitas scheme, with the former Tache site ear-marked as a possible location for the clinic.  "It's close to the station, it's got a big fucking fire exit that we could turn into a conveyor belt.  Why not?"  Asked Councillor Emptihead, not even rhetorically.

Public opinion in Blackpool was hard to collate.  The entire population of Blackpool basically lives a life of tortured, jobless, alcoholism, occasionally interspersed with a council tax rise that means they can only afford to drink Brasso for the last two weeks of every month.  Buckfast and Special Brew here are viewed with suspicion, as though they were frankincense or myrrh.  All the town's gold is now stored in Cash Converter's vault.  There are more closed down shops than there are open ones, and the town does not have a supermarket.  Street traders, hawking rubber rats on fishing wire, litter the pedestrian areas like black marketeers in a besieged Sarajevo.  All around buildings crumble and decay, so that the High Street resembles Shane McGowan's mouth.
The overbearing stench of fecal matter fills the lungs as I wander on to the Promenade.  An Iranian illegal migrant tries to sell me a partially cooked bat in a green barmcake.  I decline.  Politely.  A gypsy approaches with a sprig of heather in tin-foil.  I assume it is a low-cost alternative to heroin and make my excuses.  A bus pulls up.  There is no destination on the front.  For there is nowhere to go in this town.  There is nothing to see.  It's starting to rain, I drift inside an amusement arcade.  Lights.  Noises.  I stand in front of a fruit machine and stare at the lights.  This is all they have here.  Will you take the gamble?  Will you be the lucky one?  You can win big!  Please insert coin. 

Johnny Plantpot

FPWK  

Euro... WTF?

I was watching the news this morning and something has just dawned on me....

There was an article on the impending doom and gloom surrounding the shit storm that is the Greek economy. It talked of how if not very careful, Greece could default on their financial bailout agreement, which would have serious reprecussions for the countries also up shit street, namely Ireland and Portugal, but also Spain and possibly even Italy.

If it is at all possible for this cluster fuck to go even more tits up (I'm sure it can if they try hard enough) according to the Sky news report, it could threaten the whole of the Euro currency project and the EU itself. All well and good and I'm sure David Cameron will be mincing around Westminster today, very proud of himself and Auntie Margaret for not getting dragged in even further to the financial bailout and how well Auntie Margaret and Uncle John did for staying out of the dirty foreigners money club.

Anyway, my point is this: I have been on holiday to mainland Europe twice this year, Holland and Spain, Both times I have changed money into Euros in order to purchase reasonably priced alcohol and cigarettes. The first time I changed money, the exchange rate was 1.18, not great, but not that bad when you compare it to how awful the rate was 3 week ago when I went to Barcelona for my birthday... To buy 150 Euros, it cost me £144!!!! WTactualF? A long way short of what it was in February when I went to Amsterdam!



"You get me fam? She was totally well up for links innit!"



So Mr. Cameron, you really need to ask yourself... how bad is the UK economy, when the Euro keeps getting stronger against the £? I'm no financial specialist, but I would say pretty shit! I hope you don't read this blog though, as you actually see that things are getting worse and try to save money by outlawing the NHS and Primary schools, labelling them as Terror threats. But, you know! Whatever makes you popular with the crew down Eggham Job Centre!