Arseholes Jubilant After 2012 Budget

The Chancellor, George Osborne is to take radical measures to ensure that all rich people from himself to Mario Balotelli will be able to buy more Swarovski crystals, it emerged today.

Osborne with his infernal box of misery.

The perfectly fair and sensible move came as Osborne explained to The Commons in his dual role as Chancellor of The Exchequer and also Satan's Chief Whip, that because rich people are fundamentally more intelligent, cunning and deceiptful than poor people, they should be allowed to decide for themselves how much tax to pay. 

The flagship 5% cut to income tax for top earners effectively means that Premiership footballers earning £150,000 per week will now pay 5% less tax after they have worked for a week.  In real terms, John Terry will be approximately £190,000 per year better off, which is more than enough for a new Bentley or a big, ostentatious watch.

Terry & Lampard watch the Budget speech unfold.

Osborne made the announcement in the 2012 Budget speech today amid cries of "Scoffer!" and "Plantpot!" from everyone in the FPWK office.

John Terry's rise from abject poverty is to be funded the only fair way Osborne could think of:  by taxing the elderly, poor and unfortunate.  In his speech, the Chancellor stated:  "For too long now I have had to pretend to have some sort of vaguely altruistic agenda.  I think it's time I was given credit for that malevolent deception by you, the people.  These here are my true colours:  Bluer than Mrs Thatcher's knickers and twice as unpleasant.  Get in!"

Labour leader, Ed Miliband, whose father was of course, a massive raving Marxist, dutifully attempted to pick holes in Osborne's budget, clearly still under the untenable impression that The Chancellor gave even a semblance of a shit what anyone else thought.

As if to hammer home his point that poor people can fuck off, Osborne also raised duty on cigarettes by almost a full fag - 37p.  Amongst the first to respond to the Budget was FPWK Smoking correspondent, Graham Meehan, who talked to me through a cloud of purple smoke from his cold, damp, ill-furnished bedsit where he smokes almost constantly from the moment he wakes until the moment he goes to bed:

Alaskan Thunder Fuck:  You'll watch next year's Budget, but you won't give a fuck.

"I go through around 6 spliffs a day.  That's ten fags which cost around £3.50.  The weed I put in those biffs costs £20.  I'm never, ever going to stop doing it because I really, really like it and it doesn't do anyone else any harm whatsoever.  If these rich people are really so clever, why don't they just legalise, then tax cannabis?"


As partisan and arsehole-appeasing as this Budget appears to be, there are prominent Tories who believe the Chancellor did not go far enough:  MP for Bourton-On-The-Water, Hugo Flaccidly-Smallcock claims that the 5% tax cut for ridiculously wealthy people should have gone further.  Among his suggestions were a 10% basic tax rate for children with paper rounds, parents to declare and pay tax on weekly pocket money, steep rises in the cost of playing working-class pub games such as pool and darts, a 45% reduction in free speech and a new tax targeting people with learning difficulties.  Mr Flaccidly-Smallcock claims that full implementation of his plan would have meant the Chancellor could have given the rich a 10% cut as well as a pokey bum wank apiece too.

Johnny Plantpot
FPWK

Chas & Dave Scoop Prestigious Gong

Chas & Dave:  Possibly psychic.

Legendary Rockneys Chas & Dave are to be awarded a prestigious prize for their song 'Snooker Loopy' some 25 years after it's release, it emerged yesterday.

Their 1986 hit, originally thought to be about snooker has now been exposed as containing contemporary Conservative policies regarding immigration and public spending, as well as staggeringly accurate, Nostradamus-esque predictions about Britain's cultural climate.

'Gruppenfuhrer' Ron Atkinson.

The duo will attend a ceremony at Brixton Town Hall on Friday to formally accept 2011's 'The 'Big' Ron Atkinson Urban Inter-Ethno Community Multi-Faithed Sexually-Diverse Affirmative Tolerance Award'.

Previous winners of TBRAUIECMFSDATA include Enoch Powell, Margaret Thatcher, Jim Davidson and notably, BNP leader Nick Griffin, who has won the prize for the last 5 years running.

Prime Minister David Cameron was among the first to congratulate Chas & Dave;  FPWK sources say that he called the duo personally upon hearing the news and is in negotiations to secure the rights to the song for the next Tory election campaign:  "It could have been written for us."  Claims Cameron, "In 2010, we 'potted the reds'.  I now say this to the British people: we have kept our thinly-veiled election manifesto inferences - we have screwed back for the yellows, greens, browns, blues, pinks and blacks.  Although, to take the metaphor to it's natural conclusion;  if I could have concentrated on blacks as much as Ronnie O' Sullivan can, then I think we'd have seen a new 'Masters' champion by now, if you know what I mean."

HMV in Hackney:  Unable to keep up with demand.

This is not the first time a so-called 'zany' pop song has stirred up political debate in this country.   Joe Dolce's 'Shaddap You Face' from 1980 has since been revealed to contain powerful hidden messages designed to deflect public attention away from Margaret Thatcher's draconian austerity measures of the early 80's.  It is also no secret that Geoffrey Howe personally bought 14,000 copies in order to keep Ultravox from the top of the charts.

FPWK song analyst, Robin Honeybadger, claims that the hidden meanings in 'Snooker Loopy' were there to spot all along: "If you substitute the word 'snooker' and replace it with the word 'proper', then this has the makings of an excellent Tory propaganda ditty.
"However, " says Honeybadger, "It's when we start to dissect the verses that the true horror of this song becomes fully apparent.  Cameron's unbridled xenophobia was obvious as early as 1986.  You just can't fucking deny it, and neither, no matter what his political stripe, can 'Terry The Taff'."

Labour leader, Ed Miliband, whose father of course, was a massive raving Marxist, reacted to the news by revealing that Labour are to run a series of X-Factor-style auditions in order to find a composer for their next election campaign song.  Hot favourites include;  Bono, Chris Martin, James Blunt and loads of other dreary, vacuous ball-aches.

Johnny Plantpot

FPWK