Facebook take on Tesco

Oooh, Whatever will they think of next?

Earlier this week, giant time wasters Facebook, announced plans to incorporate Skype video chat into their social networking website. This has angered mega-conglomerate-multi-faceted-world-eaters Tesco, who have expressed outrage at the link up, stating "How are the small and independent mega-conglomerate-multi-faceted-world-eaters supposed to break into the social networking game, when that spotty faced kid has built an empire so large that you barely walk the streets without seeing one of his domains?"

Megatron, the acceptable face of Tescobook

Somewhat peeved at this move, Tesco have gone to drastic measures to try and lure teenagers away from Facebook and over to their own social networking site, Tescobook. They have introduced offers such as giving 13-15 year old subscribers free petrol for their cars. "Whilst we know that a small minorty of 13-15 year olds don't own cars, motor vehicles are readily available from our Tesco Cars for Kids centres and our online facilities" says Megatron, spokesperson for Tescobook.

The growth in social networking over the last 5 years, has also been linked to the global economic downturn. In what Prof. Brian Cox has called "e-skiving", research has shown that almost 67% of all people that work within a three furlong radius of a computer, spend their entire working day telling people how boring their job is, uploading photos of their genitalia and creating events that no one goes to. This has meant that productivity has been greatly reduced and lead to apathy towards working for a living amongst recent post graduates.

A chart showing stuff

Prof. Cox has gone on to theorize that if the trend is not bucked, a cataclysmic flash mob may be unwittingly formed, when everyone in the world joins the queue to buy the iPhone 5. Coxy has been asked to come with a possible way to stop the end of the world via flash mob and come up with a rather unconventional method. "I recommend that a fight to the death between Facebook and Tesco be arranged. The winner is allowed to keep their nails dug into the masses, whilst the other closes down all services." 


Tesco have said that Megatron is well up for a scuffle, whilst Facebook are still trying to recruit the services of Optimus Prime, who is still the target of Manchester City as a possible replacement for Carlos 'Lion Bar' Tevez. The iPhone 5 is scheduled for release around the same time as the start if the football season, so Facebook may have to settle for an unconvincing plan b, David Haye. A spokesperson for the former boxing champ said "We are currently on standby, waiting for the nod, in the meantime David is working really hard with Andy Murray at coming up with another vapid excuse for underachieving"

FPWK