City Set To Give Tevez To Charity

The very talented, very handsome, Carlos Tevez.

Manchester City manager, Roberto Mancini has revealed he is willing to donate wantaway striker, Carlos Tevez to a worthy cause this week, in a desperate bid to avoid another season of slow, painful bewilderment and exasperation at the hands of the Argentinian and his loathsome, usurious advisor, Kia Joorabchian.

The news came as Tevez's proposed £40m move to Corinthians broke down on Wednesday when City realised the Brazilian outfit intended to pay the transfer fee with cocaine. 

Kia Joorabchian:  Behold his wad.

Tevez handed in a transfer request to City in May 2011, and despite several weeks of Joorabchian claiming that a move to Brazil was 'Tevez's dream and mine' it now transpires that predictably, that was all bullshit and it was really about the cash all along.

The proposed move to donate Tevez to charity is of course without precedent in world football.  However, Mancini insists it is in the best interests of the club:  "Obviously, he's a very, very good player.  Our problem is that both he and his parasitic, fuckbag of an advisor have about as much loyalty as a News of The World office temp.  It has become increasingly obvious over the last few months that Tevez and Joorabchian could not give a flying fuck through a rolling doughnut about where their money comes from.  Obviously this has put off potential buyers."

Of course, with Tevez being one of the best players in the world there are only a select few potential buyers in existence.  City value Tevez at £50m, which looks a snip when one considers that Fernando Torres' move to Chelsea was also for £50m and he is, fundamentally, not very good at football. 
Real Madrid, Manchester United, Barcelona, Chelsea and Inter Milan have all point-blank refused to get involved with Joorabchian on any level whatsoever, with Real Madrid president, Florentino Perez referring to the agent as; "Everything that is wrong with football, personified."

Manchester City were looking to raise some cash from the sale of Tevez, who only signed a 5-year deal with City in 2009.  "He's under contract here until summer 2013."  Mancini stated flatly.  "No one is going to buy him - he's more trouble than Joey fucking Barton!  What we've decided to do is give him to Comic Relief and then claim £50m of tax relief.  Everyone's a winner - except the fans."

Lenny Henry or Martin Luther King?  You decide.

Comic Relief spokesman, Lenny Henry, gave the following statement to FPWK Usury Correspondent, Mike Cash:  "Obviously, he's not as good as most black players, but we can overlook that.  It does mean that we'll have to hold a Red Nose Day every Friday to be able to pay him and Joorabchian, but that's only fair isn't it?  We'll have him doing kick-ups in Somalia one week and a guest spot on a Fast Show special the week after."

FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, is said to be 'incandescent with rage' after failing to dream-up an excuse to fuck an English club over.  Many other English clubs are now looking at the possibility of off-loading over-paid, over-rated players to other charities and then claiming tax relief to cover the losses. 
Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish was among the first to welcome the new loop-hole.  He spoke to FPWK Sports Correspondent, Archie McPherson:  "I'm going to have a clear-out.  If I can off-load Kyriagkos, Lucas, Ngog, Johnson, Poulsen and Aquilani to The Spastics Society or whatever they call it these days, claim £200m in tax relief, then I should have enough in the kitty to bag Lionel Messi's left nut."

Johnny Plantpot
FPWK