EU to put all North Western English towns on protected name list

The North West: Angry at Americans

EU Ministers are putting plans together to include all North Western English towns on the protected name list. The move has been designed to stop war mongering Americans naming their children after places in the area, in a vain attempt to connect with their ancestry. Due to America being short on history, second only to Chelsea football club on the World Heritage lack of history list, the parents of new born, white, Anglo-Saxon, protestant (WASP's) children, throw aside the baby name books of yesteryear and simply stick a pin in a map of North West England and name their child after the town it falls in.

The atrocity was first noticed by Frundle Bartch, Professor of Northeness at the University of Oswaldtwistle, in early 2002. After doing several years of research, Bartch concluded that up to 92% of all WASP's under the age of 21, were named after towns in the North West of England.

"It first clouted me round lug 'ole, when I were watching' some generic American sitcom on telly box 'bout a load of gormless buggers that d'nowt but laze around and drink coffee. As credits rolled at th'end o show, I saw all these names... Preston, Lytham, Kirkham and such... I were sat there wi mi cake 'ole oppen, wonderin' what these daft buggers were up t" said Bartch.

After securing funding from the People's Republic of the North West, Bartch completed a six month tour of America interviewing WASP's and his findings were startling. Not only did most of the people named after Northern towns not know where these towns were, but many did not know where England was and some had never even heard of it. One person, named Oldham Skelmersdale Runnynose III, that Bartch interviewed in Aspen said: "ENGLAND.. Hell yeah! I know it, you're that country near Japan we invaded before we single handedly won the World War!"

Arsene Clouseau: Cultured

Upon his return to God's own country, Bartch collated his findings and took them to the EU and they, surprisingly, jumped straight on the band wagon. The openly Xenophobic French were happy to support anything that stopped this travesty dead in its tracks. Spokesman for all of France, Arsene Clouseau, is very keen on the proposed plans, givng this statement:

"Because of ze tweening erv tons across Europe, we feel zat French tons, tweeened weez Norz Wistern Igleesh tons, could be used to nom obese Americans in ze future, and I werd rarzer dreenk Australian whet wern frerm a shoe zan let zis appen!"

To help the unimaginative Americans fill the void left by the protection order, Bartch has suggested that they use some other form of reference for child names. This is perhaps the most contraversial part of the plan, as he has suggested that the burger munching imbeciles use Adolf Hitlers best selling book, Mein Kampf. He reached this suggestion when part of his research showed the Aryan look of most WASP's. Blonde hair and blue eyes were a very prominent feature amongst of most people included in the research, as well as a predisposition for short, beady eyed, right wing politicians and global domination.

The proposed plans would probably have drawn outrage from any other developed country, but as of yet, nobody of any consequence in America has made any sort of response. This is probably related to the fact, that it is the time of year when male WASP's in America like to stuff live baby deers full of blood diamonds and beat them sticks in order to attract mates. If America does not lodge a formal complaint with EU by the end of next week, they will lose the right to appeal and probably start drawing up invasion plans.

Jeremy Axeminster

FPWK