Mancini urges Sheikh Mansour to buy Scapegoat

The Undeniable Stench of Failure Overwhelms Mr. Mancini

Italy's foremost Kevin Keegan impersonator, Roberto Mancini, has urged the Manchester City owner to splash out in the wake of City's bottle smashing. In a desperate attempt to protect his merry gang of mercenary, attention seekers, Mancini directed his scouts to look for someone who was capable of taking the full brunt of the Etihad post Christmas cluster fuck. Having gone through the full contingent of managerial excuses, including "Scarf malfunction", "Unseasonal weather" and FPWK favourite "Below average Internet speeds", Mancini even considered using arch-rival and noted philanthropist, Alex Ferguson's classic "We couldn't see each other because of the grey strip" hum-dinger. 

Barely Visible: Ryan Giggs can be just
made out on the left of the picture

Without any suitable patsies to be found anywhere in the UK, or indeed the rest of the planet, Sheikh Mansour has been forced to shell out a record £1.3 billion to sign God from the struggling Irish non-league side, Repentant Catholics FC. Spokesperson for RCFC, Father Diarmid Feargal Padraigh O'Mulligan-and-O'Hare, said "To be sure, we wanted to keep his omnipotence until the end of the season, but what the Lord giveth with one hand, a bored mega-rich-oil-baron-with-no-interest-in-the-sport-he-has-bought-into taketh away". 

Preparations are now in full flow at Man City's Carrington training ground, where our insider, Owen Hargreaves, has personally seen Mancini manically repeating the phrases "God did that" and "It's God will" in a mirror, trying to find the perfect accompanying South European shrug of  the shoulders. Man City travel to Arsenal on Sunday, coincidentally God's favourite day, knowing that a loss will undoubtably mean that Mancini will use his new signing in the the post-match interview, although this may cast a shadow over the return of the unscrupulous, privateer Carlos Tevez. The Argentinian's personal Shylock, Kia Jaroobachian, will probably find some way of rinsing more money for his scoffer of a client, before he secures a summer move to the home of the rest of the mutants, the X-Men. "Carlos enjoyed being the fall guy for City, he took the role very seriously and gave 113.245%, now that God is here, I don't see a future for Carlos at City. Prof. Xavier has expressed an interest and I think Carlos will see plenty of first team action there".

Clairvoyant: This City fan could see the future

Man City fan, John Millington, famously became famous, for famously crying when Swansea famously turned over City. "Honestly, when it went in, I just knew that was the end of the dream really, I know we have worked hard by just spending and spending, but it was clear from the performance that we just haven't spent enough. I was so upset because I know there is so much more we could spend. Hopefully after spending all that money on God, we can secure some more petulant, knob-scoffing, underachievers during the summer. If we spend all our time spending, we could well be in with a chance of completely ruining football next season".

As this season reaches fever pitch, there may yet be more twists and turns to come. And even if Man City don't manage to win the title this year, they are clear winners in terms of the quality of scoffers they have available to them, with Mario Balotelli sure to raise the bar for all Premiership footballers next season by aiding the North Korean Nuclear Missile project over the summer. Watch out John Terry, Balotelli is after your crown.

Jeremy Axeminster

Blackburn Express Interest In Del Monte

Kean:  High Rate DLA.

Premiership strugglers, Blackburn Rovers are set to table a record breaking bid to lure Delmontean international striker, Themanfrom Del Monte, to Ewood Park.

Topman:  Del Monte's pension.

Manager, Steve Kean, who is paid £20,000 per week on top of his disability benefits released the following statement:

"Anuradha Desai has told me to buy a striker.  Riquelme said 'no', Ronaldinho said 'no', Raul said 'no'.  Undeterred, I continued my scouting, and discovered that Themanfrom was available, and likely to say 'yes'."

A bid of at least £25m is likely to be needed to tempt Delmontean outfit, Umbongo, to part with their talisman, whose signature of course, comes with his image rights for every Top Man, River Island and Next in the world.


Del Monte would be the first Delmontean international to play in the Premiership and many experts feel like there may be a reason for that.  Blackpool manager, Ian Holloway, was quick to urge caution:  "I'll admit it - I looked at bringing Del Monte in.  Then I discovered that he was on £100,000 a week!  Oh, and he can't play football.  All the Delmontean grasslands are filled with landmines."

While Blackburn do still have one or two players who can play football, most fans believe that Steve Kean, under the controlling strings of Venky's ownership are seeking to off-load the remaining competent players to rival clubs and replace them with mercenary fuckwits, who are nearly of pensionable age.  Del Monte, who made his debut in the 80's, would take the Rovers squad's average age to 43.4, and into second place behind Chelsea.  Blackburn fan, Frank Wrigley, 60, reckons it's a lost cause for his side:  "Jack Walker is spinning in his grave!  You could power half of Feniscowles if you wired him up.  God rest his soul.  Sack the board."

This is how Venkys see all this panning out.

Most high street bookmakers have already stopped taking bets on Blackburn being relegated, after a suspicious betting pattern in the Padiham area alerted managers.  "It's a bit of a no-brainer."  Said William Hill spokeswoman, Robyn Swines, "When you start getting four-figure wagers on something, from the most impoverished and deprived place on the planet, it's pretty certain there's some jiggery-pokery somewhere.  It's a bit like if Somalia bid to host the Olympics."  

One can only speculate as to the nature of this 'dead-cert';  Perhaps the Venkys are a syndicate from Burnley?  Perhaps David Dunn owes money to a lard manufacturer?  Perhaps the whole thing is just one huge, macabre experiment being played out by a bunch of people who have about as much business being in control of a football club as they do being in control of the Finnish national butt-plug gargling contest?  Who knows, but with two losses out of two, Rovers are rock bottom and show no signs of revival. 

Here's hoping even Themanfrom Del Monte doesn't say no.


Johnny Plantpot

FPWK

City Set To Give Tevez To Charity

The very talented, very handsome, Carlos Tevez.

Manchester City manager, Roberto Mancini has revealed he is willing to donate wantaway striker, Carlos Tevez to a worthy cause this week, in a desperate bid to avoid another season of slow, painful bewilderment and exasperation at the hands of the Argentinian and his loathsome, usurious advisor, Kia Joorabchian.

The news came as Tevez's proposed £40m move to Corinthians broke down on Wednesday when City realised the Brazilian outfit intended to pay the transfer fee with cocaine. 

Kia Joorabchian:  Behold his wad.

Tevez handed in a transfer request to City in May 2011, and despite several weeks of Joorabchian claiming that a move to Brazil was 'Tevez's dream and mine' it now transpires that predictably, that was all bullshit and it was really about the cash all along.

The proposed move to donate Tevez to charity is of course without precedent in world football.  However, Mancini insists it is in the best interests of the club:  "Obviously, he's a very, very good player.  Our problem is that both he and his parasitic, fuckbag of an advisor have about as much loyalty as a News of The World office temp.  It has become increasingly obvious over the last few months that Tevez and Joorabchian could not give a flying fuck through a rolling doughnut about where their money comes from.  Obviously this has put off potential buyers."

Of course, with Tevez being one of the best players in the world there are only a select few potential buyers in existence.  City value Tevez at £50m, which looks a snip when one considers that Fernando Torres' move to Chelsea was also for £50m and he is, fundamentally, not very good at football. 
Real Madrid, Manchester United, Barcelona, Chelsea and Inter Milan have all point-blank refused to get involved with Joorabchian on any level whatsoever, with Real Madrid president, Florentino Perez referring to the agent as; "Everything that is wrong with football, personified."

Manchester City were looking to raise some cash from the sale of Tevez, who only signed a 5-year deal with City in 2009.  "He's under contract here until summer 2013."  Mancini stated flatly.  "No one is going to buy him - he's more trouble than Joey fucking Barton!  What we've decided to do is give him to Comic Relief and then claim £50m of tax relief.  Everyone's a winner - except the fans."

Lenny Henry or Martin Luther King?  You decide.

Comic Relief spokesman, Lenny Henry, gave the following statement to FPWK Usury Correspondent, Mike Cash:  "Obviously, he's not as good as most black players, but we can overlook that.  It does mean that we'll have to hold a Red Nose Day every Friday to be able to pay him and Joorabchian, but that's only fair isn't it?  We'll have him doing kick-ups in Somalia one week and a guest spot on a Fast Show special the week after."

FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, is said to be 'incandescent with rage' after failing to dream-up an excuse to fuck an English club over.  Many other English clubs are now looking at the possibility of off-loading over-paid, over-rated players to other charities and then claiming tax relief to cover the losses. 
Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish was among the first to welcome the new loop-hole.  He spoke to FPWK Sports Correspondent, Archie McPherson:  "I'm going to have a clear-out.  If I can off-load Kyriagkos, Lucas, Ngog, Johnson, Poulsen and Aquilani to The Spastics Society or whatever they call it these days, claim £200m in tax relief, then I should have enough in the kitty to bag Lionel Messi's left nut."

Johnny Plantpot
FPWK