Sun On Sunday To Implement Full Harvard Referencing System

The Sun On Sunday's natty new logo

The chairman of The Press Complaints Comission (PCC), Baroness Buscombe, is set to impose drastic new regulations on several British newspapers in an attempt to revive public trust after the News Of The World hacking scandal.

Mystic Meg or Anne Nolan?  You decide.

All News International’s printed publications are to be forced to use the full Harvard referencing method including a contents page, detailed appendices suggesting more detailed reading and a complete bibliography.  “This is a bold move by the PCC.” said Buscombe.  “NOTW writers have more ears than morals.  We feel that by introducing this legislation we are effectively forcing News International to stop taking the piss.  More to the point, it should be a right giggle to see who or what Mystic Meg regards as a reliable source!”

News International has revealed that their new Sunday comic The Sun On Sunday will be the first British newspaper to voluntarily feature the academically standard Harvard referencing system.

The lovely Rebekah Brooks

Rebekah Brooks, *12, CEO of disgraced Sunday tabloid The News Of The World made the announcement at a press conference on Saturday morning, where she also insisted that The Sun On Sunday was nothing to do with her whatsoever and resented the implication that it was.

The front page of this Sunday’s pilot issue of The Sun On Sunday is set to feature an article on Cheryl Cole’s new handbag and shoe combination, complete with quotes and paraphrases from Louis Vuitton, a scathing condemnation from Manolo Blahnik and suggestions for further reading which include Sarah Jessica Parker’s new book; Shallower Than A Summer Puddle.

Critics of the new legislation include Daily Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn whose paper is not affected by the move.  “It’s political correctness gone mad!” claims Littlejohn, “The PCC should concentrate on what they are paid to do and get rid of all these bloody immigrants!  If I am to be forced to reveal the sources behind my columns then why not just bring back slavery, capital punishment and the birch for poofters?”  Baroness Buscome responded to Littlejohn’s comments by releasing the following statement:  “Neither I, nor anyone else at the PCC has any desire to impose this legislation on The Daily Mail as it is obvious, even to a drooling vegetable, that it is largely a work of fiction.  As such, asking them to publish their sources would be about as sensible as asking the same of J.R.R. Tolkien.  That said, Richard Littlejohn would do well to remember exactly who the fucking Daddy is here.  I could have him nailed as a sex-case quicker than he could say ‘Enoch was right’.”

Torres:  Depreciating faster than bright pink Ford Mondeo

Even News International’s sports writers will not escape the sanctions, with many people predicting a complete breakdown of the world football transfer market due to a lack of shit-stirring by Monday week.  "Clearly footballers are not worth the money being paid for them." Said FPWK sports correspondent John Thomas, "If you can explain to me why Fernando Torres is worth more money than a medium-sized hospital wing then you're a better man than I am."

Scouser-baiting, Sun stalwart, Kelvin MacKenzie led the protests against PCC intereference with sports journalism claiming that "...this could lead to another Hillsborough!  Football fans don't want the truth.  They want sensationalism and hyperbole and, crucially,  let's face it, who didn't have a chuckle when I told the world I'd seen Stan Boardman piss on a paramedic?"

* Rebekah's IQ

FPWK
This article is the first article by new contributor, Johnny Plantpot.

NEWS OF THE WORLD WASTES THOUSANDS ON BUGGING DEAD GIRLS

Basically, up shit street

Senior police officers and communications experts were left scratching their heads this morning after further allegations surrounding the NOTW phone hacking scandal came to light.

In additional to allegedly hacking the phone of murdered teen Milly Dowler, the parents of Holly Chapman and Jessica Wells have also now been contacted by police in connection to the inquiry.

“It’s utterly incomprehensible”, said one senior Scotland Yard mole. “What could they possibly hope to find on the mobile phones of murdered children? A detailed confession from the killer? Upskirt photos? Racist jokes? What would they have done with the information anyway? ‘MILLY SPOKE TO FRIEND ABOUT LATEST WESTLIFE HIT HOURS BEFORE SLAYING’ is hardly headline news, is it?’

His voice disguised by helium and forty Marlboro Reds to protect his identity, the police mole went on to say “besides, we had all the phones anyway. There was nothing useful on them. All the photos are safely stored in our archive, and the texts were exactly what you might expect in the situation. About sixty ‘where are you?’ messages, some teary calls on the answerphone and one perv who’d texted ‘What are you wearing?’ I don’t imagine ‘Nothing except a good few weeks’ mould and a light dusting of soil’ would have done much to whet his appetite, do you?”


Andy Coulson, JEB END

Defensive reporters at the News of the World were quick to defend their colleagues, even though none of them wished to go on record in connection with this report.

“You have to think about what these phone hackers have been through”, said one. “Years and years of studying and examinations in high tech communications and hacking, mostly spent alone, in a shed, furiously masturbating the whole time. And then at the end of it all they’re employed to plow through the personal communications of vacuous D-List celebrities and Premiership footballers in seach of tawdry gossip. There are only so many times you can intercept a photo of Ashley Cole’s bell end before you go completely over the edge. And frankly the sort of needy, whoreish filth that Sienna Miller broadcasts to all and sundry at 3am on a Saturday has to be seen to be believed.”

Reports that Rupert Murdoch, owner of NOTW and Lord of the Undead, had personally ordered the hackings in order to saturate his need for the soft flesh of the recently deceased could not be confirmed, but tellingly were also not denied.

FPWK

(This article is by new contributor, Rob)