'Ring-Leader' Cole Charged With Public Order Offences



Cole:  The People's Champion.

Chelsea full-back and noted plantpot, Ashley Cole, has been arrested this afternoon, after police intelligence (there's a fucking oxymoron) identified him as the ring-leader in this week's London riots.

Cole was allegedly caught on CCTV running through Hackney, carrying what appeared to be an air rifle.

"He's got form for this kind of shit."  Said Metropolitan Police spokesman, John Plod.  "Let's face it - it's been a matter of time.  Since he joined Arsenal as a youth player, there's been a Tesco in Stepney one check-out guy short.  It's only natural that the lobotomised masses would rally behind someone like that.  His messianic complex has been there for all to see for quite some time.  He probably thinks he's Che Guevara or something - if he even knows who that is."

Cole's Hierarchy Of Needs

Although Cole has no experience of leading mindless, violent rampages through our nation's capital, it is believed that he possesses all of the characteristics of someone that would like to:  "His arrogance is legendary."  Says London Mayor, Boris Johnson.  "He does not care about anyone but himself, and has dedicated his life to making sure he is considerably richer than you, at the expense of all normal human character traits.  This guy would have Maslow in fucking pieces.  He will see this as his 'calling';  to destroy where he is from, so that the history books will say he was an immaculate conception.  Seriously, he's that fucked up."

Meanwhile, his painfully vacant wife, Cheryl, has once again taken leave of whatever semblance of senses she had, in order to defend Cole.  She released the following statement to FPWK:

"Ashley is deeply traumatised by his arrest.  He does not recognise any authority other than his own and will not be co-operating with police.  He will be answering no questions until the Chief Superintendent of Scotland Yard has gone out to get him a KFC Fully Loaded meal, and that, as far as he is concerned, is that."

Cole's Chelsea team-mates also rallied to his defence, with club captain, John Terry, among the first to visit his home to comfort Cheryl in her hour of need, then fuck her up the wrong 'un in his England kit.

Johnny Plantpot

FPWK